From DOGLUMPS to BROCCOLI

None of what you read here is meant to be a moan or a grumble.
It is, though, completely true and should be viewed as a brief glimpse into my daily life and how if differs from many other people.

Some of the words which are in CAPITALS have been chosen by Twitter followers and I would like to thank @PrincessBagel, @Olliethepigeon and @Rob_Z_Tobor for their suggestions.... you weirdos!

Using nothing but these suggested words as inspiration I have written what ever comes into my head. It appears my imagination has failed me.





As you read this (assuming you are reading this on the same day it has been published - 9th or April) I am not here.

I am in fact, out!

I am either shopping with the wife (am) or out drinking and eating (pm).

For most people this would not be blog worthy, but long time readers will know that my life is not the same as many others.

Working from home in the holiday industry means that your relaxing time is my work time. 

Bank holidays, weekends and any day that makes you think "Ooh, let's have a barbecue!" is a day where I say... "Blimey, look how many people are coming today. Crumbs!"... or words to that effect.

holiday makers are great for the most part. But they do tend to forget a few things when on holiday.

Things like cleanliness for example.

It's bad enough having to pick up DOGLUMPS that bad dog owners fail to pick up, but what I find in the bins would astonish the most hardened of cynics.

I could write an encyclopaedia on the things I have found in the bins.
From TV's to slippers and shoes, whole tents, THERMAL VESTS and once, an entire kitchens worth of pans, kettles, cups and plates.

That's not to mention the amount of food waste I witness on a daily basis.

Banana's seem to be very popular in the winter months for some reason, but I do recall a spate of FROZEN PIZZA's being tossed away. They had not even been opened and were still in date.

I didn't eat them though. That would be wrong.

I can often be found cleaning muck from the sides of toilets, separating the recycling from non-recyclable rubbish like some kind of COCKWOMBLE (not sure what a cockwomble is, but I'm sticking to that definition)

When not cleaning up after scruffy types I am often digging or filling bits of the ground.

Rabbit holes seem to be the main time suck.

There are millions of the critters living in the woods around me and those LUCKY RABBITS FEET do an awful lot of damage and I do not consider them to be lucky for my back AT ALL!

After all the rain we have had I have spent many afternoons filling in POTHOLES created by the rain water washing away the roads around the site... which is back breaking and causes me to get a sweat on, like a commoner!

All of this work should leave me in a physical state of pure manliness but alas it does not.

I have a very peculiar metabolism.

I have tried diets and smoothies and eating well... including a ton of BROCCOLI, but I can never quite get rid of my middle aged spread which seems to have arrived a few years early.

I am attempting to try and exercise in order to loose a little of belly, but every time I attempt to get fir I usually end up breaking furniture for some reason.

By the time you have read this I will have had a chippy tea as our chippy man will have been and I get mine for free!

YUM YUM!

Biscuits Wars: The Retaliation

At the time of writing this post I am only 500 views away from the big 20,000.

This figure may seem small to most of you reading this with you 100’s of followers (does that make it a religion?) and funny and informative posts that carry a sequential narrative that naturally flows from one to the other, making sense and coming up with clever witty ideas and pause for thought.

But to little old me, who is happily sat being ignored by most of the world, It’s big news.

Not only am I about to reach a rounded number that otherwise means not a lot, but Two other amazing things have happened to me recently.

Firstly I have made a new friend.

This new friend of mine is actually a bit of a hero to me and somebody I have admired for a number of years.

His name is Boothby Graffoe and he is a proper famous person… (what do you mean you have never heard of him??)

Mr Graffoe is a musician and comedian who has been on BBC RADIO 4 AND EVERYTHING.

I too have appeared on BBC radio, but I did not get my own series.

Mr Graffoe has, and that makes him famous in my eyes.

Anyway. He is my friend on that there Twitter of which you would be able to see a link to my constant mumblings over on the right hand side ---à

Follow me on Twitter if you like. I might even say hello to you.

The other amazing thing that has happened this week is that Addman of Muppets for Justice has finally did the right thing and took my advice to “cowboy the F*ck up” and recorded his video of himself eating a packet of Jammie Dodgers.

As we all know these biscuits are bloody awful, but to his credit he has made a video and done it.

Go and watch it.

It is quite the funny thing. But don’t forget to comment that he only gives SEVEN facts and not eight as promised (typical JD eater! Full of Jam and lies)

Other than that Somebody nearly died on site with a run away car that smashed into two other caravans AND another car. We had two police cars and ambulances and very nearly had to call an air ambulance… but you don’t want to hear about that!

So there you go, 500 views to until party time. I may have a Custard cream or two to celebrate, why don’t you join me by eating your own favourite biscuit.

Thanks for taking the time my idiocy. There arn't many of you but you all count... well, apart from those with jam around your face.

(Jammie dodgers need not apply)

Keep The Noise Down In There.

I have rolled my sleeves up and decide to try and make a change.

Doing this is going to be tough and probably won’t work but sod it if I don’t try then I don’t stand any chance of  becoming rich and famous making a change.

First, a bit of background.

I am not in the least bit political. I do watch the news and take an interest in what’s going on in the world but have no particular political leaning (although I have done one of the tests on line, but I think they are fixed anyway).

Whenever I see the house of commons on the news I always have same dreaded thoughts. They generally go something like this:

“Oh god here we go, a load of toffs and snobs with no idea what is actually going on in the world… etc etc”

With:

“Is that old bloke asleep?”

Next comes:

“Oh.. I actually agree with that statement that man/lady who seems to be paying attention made.”

Quickly followed by:

“What did that other man/woman say then? I couldn’t hear because all those others were shouting and waving bits of paper”

Immediately after:

“For god’s sake, why are they all shouting across the room? I can’t hear what important statements are being made – I can’t believe that guy is STILL asleep!”

Then:

“Nope! I have no idea what they’re going on about… why is nobody checking to see if that pensioner is still breathing?”

And so on and so forth.

noisy buggers at work

Now, I not too bothered if somebody dies in office, at least they were at their place of work and not cleaning out their duck pond or white washing their castle walls or whatever. But the point remains there are far too many occasions where something very important is being said that needs to be heard but these cretins are too busy shouting H’RAAAR and A-BOOO like it’s some sort of pantomime.

I am not aware if other parliaments in other countries act like this. 

I’m willing to bet that they don’t.

Ah... maybe I'm wrong...

I know there have been times when it all kicks off and politicians start scrapping, but our molly coddled wimps can only bring themselves to wave a bit of paper from across the room at each other and shout things like “SHAAAME!” or .. well I don’t know because it just inaudible noise.

It’s as if somebody let a pack of chimps loose in a room full of sugared up toddlers.

It’s just noise.

It serves no purpose other than to annoy me.

I don’t like being annoyed. Especially when it dawns on me that these chumps are at work AND on TV.

If you or me acted like this in our place of work during a meeting we would probably be asked to leave and and go through some kind of disciplinary meeting.

The best that these fruit cakes get is a stern look from the speaker of the house of commons.

"Shaaat it you slaaaaag!"

To be fair to  Rt Hon John Bercow, he does try. I have seen him a few times really giving some MP’s a good verbal lashing. But it’s not enough.

They don’t listen.

They don’t care.

These people are supposed to be our representatives in matters of law, order, health, education, economy, transportation, sport, the arts, the environment and everything in between.

I genuinely do not believe that while they are screaming like idiots at each other they are giving their full attention to the things that matter.

Therefore I suggest a change in the way things are done.

Before anyone stands up to speak, Mr Speaker should tell everyone that they must listen with the ears and not their mouths.

Anyone who does shout and says “a-boo” or what ever, will be forced to sit through the rest of the session with their fingers on their lips.

Nobody heard the fireworks BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO BUSY SHOUTING!

If they continue to shout they should be forced to put a £5 note into a big coffee tin in the middle of the room and the money collected would go towards reducing the economic deficit.

I think this idea would work.

MP’s got their  M&S knickers in a right old twist when they were told to stop cheating on the expenses forms so it stands to reason that any risk to loosing their own cash would stop them from embarrassing themselves in this manner with immediate effect.

I have previously used Twitter to try and get MP’s to shut up while they were on TV, but this resulted in a number of them blocking me which isn’t very nice at all.

I didn’t swear at them, I was as polite as you can be in 140 characters and informed them that it just wasn’t very British of them to raise a stink like this.

We are a proud nation but we don’t like to cause a fuss. It’s not how we do things round here.

I have sent this post around twitter to all the MP’s I could find before I got bored. (EDIT: i managed to send this post to around 20 MP's on twitter before I broke it)

If you are an MP and you are reading this, please feel free to print a copy off and stick on your bulletin board in the staff room.

If you know an MP, please feel free to print a copy off and give it to them with the words – “SSSSHHHHH!”

Together we can make a change and stop MP’s from acting like children. By working together we can make them get on with things and earn their wages and more importantly I can turn the volume down on the TV.

Thanks for reading.

Please keep the noise down.

Strange Lights in the Sky

It has just turned 11pm and I was finishing up for the night.

The campers were all locked in and the toilets had been given a quick "tickle" ready for the morning rush. As I walked back to the house I looked up at the clear evening sky.

I took this picture in april.... It is called a moon.

The last of the blue sky was clinging to the horizon and the deep velvet of the night time was creeping its way west.

Only a couple of stars were beginning to shining. It was still too light for most of them to be seen, but as I scanned the heavens for inspiration something caught my eye.

A small yet bright blob of yellow drifted across the roof of the sky heading north.

"Ah!" I thought. "That's one of those satellites." I continued using my inner monologue and I stopped mid pace to watch one of these modern marvels of human science sail over my head.

I am always amazed when I see something like that in the evenings. To even begin to comprehend that a bunch of bald monkeys have the engineering skill to send a lump of metal and wires into orbit is almost beyond my reasoning and to actually see one of them still sends a shiver down my spine.

But then something unexpected happened.

As you can see (or not) there were not a lot of stars out

As the little yellow light carried on its journey around the globe it did something toatally unexpected and I very nearly did something equally unexpected in my trousers.

you see, this satellite began to move faster.

as it did the light stretched to become a line of white light.

My jaw dropped and my bottom tightened. (it can do that in times of fear and confusion for some reason)

I ran inside and asked the internet what the chuff I had just witnessed.

Was it aliens? Was it Superman? Had I just had a Stroke? Or was it in fact a satellite all along?

The answer came quickly via Twitter of all places and the very friendly and helpful @VirtualAstro

"Yes, that was an iridium flare I expect" was the reply I received after explaining all of the above in 140 characters or less.


A quick google search led me to this wiki page:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satellite_flare

I felt enlightened and less foolish.

It wasn't an alien invasion after all and I had no need to run into the garage and dig out my trusty flaming torch (you have to have a flaming torch to hand at all times, living in the countryside, its the law or something)

Anyway, I didn't see a UFO, or rather I did until it was explained to me what it was that I saw and it was something very well documented and not something that is due to take over the world and make us all slaves for an evil alien overlord.

The lessons to be learnt from this experience are as follows:

- Twitter CAN be useful at times.

- The night sky is totally amazing EVEN with the naked eye.

- My bottom is a coward.


Keep watching the skies!

Twitter and the Sexy Beast: A Champions Tale

Today I have been mainly basking in my own glory.

Google really does produce the most
amazing search results

This week has had me attacking twitter and the so-called celebrities within along @Olliethepigeon in an attempt to gain the most re-tweets and replies.

7 sevens have passed and the looser would have to ... well... you can see what the looser had to do here: 

But that pigeon isn't the looser.

the celeb's are. Between us, we must have sent over 200 begging, pleading and violent tweets and collectively we received a piss poor effort of 9 replies/re-tweets and famous followers.

That is rubbish.

Famous people are dicks. Ignorant and selfish and self absorbed morons who don't care about idiots like me who just need a little bit of justification for their existence.

So well done to @Olliethepigeon and Muppets For Justice for their efforts in what has been a very trying week.

Ollie is a sexy beast (but I am beastier!)

Carry on.

with special thanks to the ghost of Terry Nutkins. (see Twitter for more details)

Three Comics walk into a blog...

I’ve been away from the internet for a couple of days and its took me a while to catch on things.

Its all been kicking off- 

I cant leave you lot alone for one minute and it makes my blood boil.

This is my 100th post on here and i wanted to make it a brilliant one. Something to look back on with pride and joy and that could be shared across the globe and make me famous and rich and desirable.

But no. YOU lot had other ideas and had to all act like little kids, meaning I’ve got to roll up my sleeves and sort you out again.

LISTEN UP THE INTERENT, YOU ARE IN BIG BOTHER!!!

It appears that Frankie Boyle has got a new book out.

Naughty Boy

Do you remember him?

He was that Scottish guy who shot to fame as the “no holes bared – he didn’t just say that did he” comedian from mock the week. Who mainly got laughs because he would spout the kind of humourless wit that other comedians thought was not suitable for a TV audience.

After a few series of this idiots guide to the news, Boyle left to perform his angry style of comedy to live audiences, who I imagine are the sort who couldn’t get tickets for Roy Chubby brown another comic who take delight in seeing people laugh at his puerile jokes.

Don’t get me wrong. I like a sick joke. If its told well and at the right time, a clever witty joke about certain news events can bring a wry smile and even a chuckle, but to make a career from spitting on the grave of a dead person or pointing out the differences of a disabled person just isn’t funny after about... oh say 1 minute.

Boyle and his like are one trick pony. They nothing else to say but “that guys a dick.” Or “she’s a slag isn’t she” and wait for the empty headed crowds to clap furiously like starving seals on parade.

But then we move on to the main event in which I witnessed the spiralling lines of Ricky Gervais ans and Richard Herring Fans over on Twitter. These two, who due to the kind of material they like to perform in their acts means they really should know better than to react - have been named amongst others in an argument over the use of the word mong.

Electronic broadbanded fingers have been pointed and accusations thrust onto the webpages of twitter and the like and I for one found it incredibly boring. I couldn't care less who is right and who is wrong. but the fact that I have spent 15 minutes of my very important life reviewing this gibberish is the reason I'M kicking off!

Stop Sulking Herring!

Beyond the rights of someone to use whatever word they use, be it mong or spaz or black or gay or any of the other 17 words that SOME people MAY find offensive or hurtful. Using any word as a slur CAN be effective if used in the right mode. When meant with venom or used to cause actual hurt, then the excuse of comedy goes straight of the window and we enter the world bullying and harassment.

Free speech is cried by one part and abuse by the other.

Somewhere off to the side is me. I shrug my shoulders and wait for it all to blow over.

But this silly little tit for tat, which has been fuelled by a number of “followers” makes twitter sound like a cult doesn’t it?

There really is no simple answer other than for all involved to act like adults. Adults who respect each other no to use childish puerile name calling and try to use bigger grown up words and for those others to by more adult and simply ignore those that would name call in the first place.

It all comes down to the fact there are fame hungry individuals out there who rather than try and evoke some kind of natural humour or show off a talent will resort to the lowest form of attention seeking and randomly attack until someone  shouts that they are wrong. But by then it’s too late. They are in the lime light and are receiving the and attention they crave.

On a final note. I enjoy the works of Richard Herring.

I have also been known to watch the works of Ricky Gervais.

Dissapointed, but i expect nothing less from you Gervais.

To my knowledge neither of them is aware of my work. Typical!

In conclusion, in typical British style this debate has fizzled out like a damp squib. If this were the Middle East or America or any other country with passion or a back bone there would debates in parliament and effigies burnt in every village and town across the land. Protest marches would spark up like wide fire and the whole bloody place would come to crawling stop until these two kissed and made up.

But it didn’t, it hasn’t and probably won’t. Because x-factor is still on and the apprentice is back next week.

Fickle. That’s what you lot are. Fickle.

Plus they’ll each get a 10 minute set or stand up defending themselves about it. So it was probably all a set up anyway.

So thanks a lot Ricky and Richard, for ruining my 100th Blog entry. I hope you are satisfied.

NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.