2015: A 6 out of 10 review

Here we are then.

The end of another year.

Twelve months of nonsense are behind and as the last moments of 2015 crumble and shrivel into dust we all begin to think about the future and which New Years resolutions we are going to bugger up first.

But before that, let's take a look back at all the things we screwed up, messed about with, broke and ruined for everyone else with the year that will forever be known as "2015"


JANUARY:

Ethel Lang, who was the oldest living person in the UK, died at the ripe old age of 114. This kick started a spate of deaths throughout the year, with a notable absence of new famous people being born. 

I have been warning folks for years that we are running out of famous people and this is the main reason we have to put up with shite shows like "Big Brother" and "Dancing yer tits off" and "You might remember my face off a thing from the 1990's but now I'm going to cook a thing" in a pathetic attempt to redress the balance.

It's not working.

It feels a bit warmer than usual...

Also in January, Sir John Chilcot says he will hand in his homework regarding just how guilty Tony Blair was during the Iraq war "...later". As of writing this post, he still has not done it. 


FEBRUARY:

Those dirty minded beggers in the House of Commons made it a law that 3 people could make a baby.
I have spent the past ten months trying to work out the logistics of how this would be possible.
I am assuming that you would need at least one willing lady to take part and then, for the sake of making up the numbers, at least two men (having two women would really be a redundancy unless she was there to mop brows or hold somebodies legs... I don't know).
I have searched on line for videos of how this 3 person partenthood would work, but I am not sure those who took part in the videos were actual scientists and in some cases knew how babies were made!!!! 
I'll be honest and admit some of them made my glasses steam up.
Anyway, it astonishes me how UK MP's think they can just make up laws that change how babies are made.... the nerve of these people!

Everybody said how cold it was, although the UK did receive 111% of is average sunshine.


MARCH:

Nick Clegg was still Deputy Prime Minister (Yes, that was this year!!!)

There was a partial solar eclipse in the UK which resulted in a lot of people being confused, looking up at the clouds and not understanding how the sky works. idiots.

Jeremy Clarkson punched a man for not getting his tea ready. This resulted in Jezza leaving the BBC and eventually getting more money and a new TV show, which just goes to show that violence DOES work.

Fred the Weatherman is sent to jail for being a filthy bastard. The rest of the weather for the year went nuts with strong winds, wet rain and hot sunshine in between.

APRIL:

Over £200 million worth of jewellery is stolen from a lot of rich peoples safety deposit boxes. It soon turns out that the thieves are a bunch of pensioners and everybody falls in love with the romantic idea of OAPS being able to get away with theft. To this day, most of the swag is still out there somewhere!!!

We had 143% sunshine according to the Met office (which is impossible!)


MAY:

A Famous person is born!
Little princess Charlotte pops out of her mummies tummy in the month of May to much joy of Royalists and TV reporters who spent, what felt like, weeks outside of a "hospikul" in order to tell the world a woman "did poo out a human from her most royal foo-foo".

It was neither confirmed nor denied by palace officials if three people were involved in the conception.

There was also an election in the UK in which it appears that the party that everybody voted for (conservatives) was NOT the party that people wanted to be in power, which proves my argument that democracy doesn't work.

Asking the general public to take responsibility for their own actions is like expecting more than three people to read this far down this post without clicking off to watch a cat video.

Temperatures across the UK ranged from -5.6C to 23.8C. Crazy.


JUNE:

This month saw a nationwide poll to find a national bird for the UK. The public's favourite candidate was a Robin (or Christmas Pigeon as I call it). Which just goes to show how unimaginative the UK is. idiots.

Winds in Wales reached 78MPH which is against the law.


JULY:

The UK begins to melt as temperatures reach double figures. People walk around saying "ooh, it's hot isn't it?" Just in case you didn't realise why you were sweating like Lord Sewel....who....

...was being investigated by police after he was filmed taking cocaine (dickhead dust) with prostitutes.
The naughty man.

It rained like buggery in parts of Blighty and everybody got wet socks.


AUGUST:

Cilla Black dies, bringing us back into the red when it comes to the dead/alive famous people ratio. (shiiit!)

Flash floods hit the UK again and thousands of BBQs went unused across the nation.



SEPTEMBER:

The world of politics goes nuts when a stand in geography teacher walks through the wrong door and becomes the leader of the Labour party. He installs a Phil Jupitus look-a-like as his deputy.

In a last desperate bid to stop famous people from popping their cloggs and leaving us without anyone to vote for in "I'm a Celeb" MPs reject a bill to allow "the right to die". The audible sigh of relief from the house of Lords can be heard across London.


We had a Super Moon and nutters bleated on about the end of world which never happened.

The weather this month was rather forgettable, which ruins the running gag about reporting the weather in a yearly review.

OCTOBER:

England introduces a 5 pence charge on plastic bags and everybody goes nuts. People could not have been more confused if a law had been passed allowing 3 people births or stopping people from dying.

A tree fell over somewhere and it rained some of the time. The weather really is shit in this country.


NOVEMBER:

It is still warm and nobody knows when summer will end. People stop talking about warm it is... for one week.

The American Spending holiday, BLACK FRIDAY returns the UK and in typical British style, our nation shrugs it off and has a lie in, refusing to be made to look like feral beasts.


DECEMBER:

A UK man is sent into space in order to cool down a bit as the weather IS STILL TOO WARM!

Everybody wants to ban Donald Trump from coming to the UK because he has been talking bollocks. In the same week, Katie Hopkins said a thing and Pierce Morgan appears on BBC Question Time and the nation hangs it's head in shame.

And the stuttered to a halt with what may be the least stimulating headline EVER:

Parts of UK have mildest December night for decades, experts say

...The hell is wrong with you people?

And that was the year 2015.
There were wars and terrorists seem to make a few headlines, which made things a bit crap and that is really the reason why this year gets a Thoughtless Gibberish 6 out 10.

NOW That's What I call ...Awful

Today saw the arrival, on site, of a pure rock legend from a time when rock was bold and dangerous (see video below) and not just produced by some drag and drop two bit computer program that’s just seems to endlessly loop the same four bars of dross so that the end result is akin to a box load of crockery being thrown into a cement mixer.

And that is the problem isn’t it?

Not to sound like the begrudging old coot that I am becoming, but music today is just awful.

A quick review of the top ten single records for the UK this week tells me that either I am out of touch with popular music or music is tired and boring and has run its course.

Coldplay have done a song with Rihanna (that girl with the umbrella-ella-ella) and Maroon 5 are still knocking about.

Out of the top ten singles half of them are collaborations. Which means that these so called talented artists can’t even be bothered to sing for three and a half minutes with someone else jumping in.

There’s just no effort.

I would make a joke about somebody releasing a song that is just 4 minutes of silence, but that’s already been done. TWICE!

Maybe it is me. Maybe I have reached that age where I need to realise that I no longer part of the young generation.

I’m old enough to remember mix tapes.

I still have an old VHS tape knocking around with MUMS TAPE written on it.

Ask any under the age of 20 if that know what that is and be prepared to feel very VERY old when they just shrug at you and probably shoot up some drugs in their eyeballs at you.

The art of filling one side of a tape with exactly 45 minutes of music was an exercise in timing hand eye co-ordination and taste.

In order to not have the tape run out half way through REAL REAL REAL by Jesus Jones, you would have to carefully work out in which order you put Aerosmith, or Run DMC.

"Can I get a rewind!!!" - Used to involve a pencil and lots of patience in my day.

This is now a talent lost.

These days all you need is one of those M25 players and you can casually drag and drop as many songs in whatever order you want without even thinking about it.

Don’t like a song?

No worries, just skip it and carry on with your day.

In the 1980’s this just was not possible and only even considered in science fiction movies.

If you wanted to skip a song on tape it required knowing exactly how long the song was and having to utilise a technique not to dissimilar to clutch control in order to quickly fast forward, stop and play repeatedly until you got to the right spot.

If you miscalculated and missed the start of the song then the tape would have to be ejected, turned around and played back for a bit, then ejected again, replaced the original way round and played again.

All the while the battery level is being sucked dry.

Of course, if you were posh you would have one of those Walkman’s that had a rewind button to show off.

So the following are five words that anyone under the age of 20 will not understand.

Tape.

Rewind.

Eject.

Talent.

Original.

Does anyone know of any other words that bloody kids don’t have any understand of?

If so, please add yours in the comments below.

Its the drummer, by the way.... I guess that stint on TV is starting to pay off!

An Open Letter To You.

Hi-dee hi bloggers!

The laptops still knackered but Mrs H is at work and I’ve come inside from all this lovely sunshine to cool down a bit, which gives me the perfect opportunity to brag tell you that I’m going to be on TV again!

I’m becoming quite the media whore!

A couple of weeks ago the caravan channel (sky 213 I think) popped round to do a review of the site and it was piddling it down.

But now the sun is out, BBC Wales have decided to jump on the Bumferry bandwagon and want to come and do a LIVE report from the site.

It’s all to do with a world record breaking attempt of the most people in various locations wearing paper hats at the same time. (I’m not making this up)

Somehow we have roped into being the face of the club during this event for the BBC and so yours truly will be gurning his ugly mush to all the homes in Wales.

I’m not sure why BBC Wales are coming here because we are in Eng-ur-land but its free publicity for us so I’m keeping shtum!

Hope everyone is well and not too sunburnt.

While the laptop is still attempting to strangling itself and stopping me from spending any quality time online, I hope to download an app that will let me view all the blogs I miss reading.

If anyone knows of such a thing please let me know. I’m using Google Currents at the mo but doesn’t seem to update and I can only view posts from the end of April which is rubbish.

And the blogger app just lets me post and not view comments which again is a bit a of a let down.

Once again my apologies for not interacting as much as I would like. Fingers crossed I can get this damned thing fixed before too long.

Keep yourselves nice and tidy.

Chin Chin!

Bumf.

ps- (please note the jolly tone of this post is not indicative to the general tone of what this blog is about. Normal service will be resumed once payday comes and I can get the laptop fixed....now bugger off)

Bugger...

I should have known that I was being too cocky.

The BBC came down and did a bit of filming this morning.

I made them a brew and let them inside the house and everything.

Then it came to filming time...

 "Tits and teeth darlings..." I told myself. "Tits and teeth."

And then...

Nothing.

They didn't want to film me.

The bloody cheek.

Instead they filmed a load of campers and then my Dad.

Mr Grumpy Pants 2012 himself.

I took a few pictures which didn't come out very well and all in all its was a bit of a let down.

However.

The very nice man from the BBC Shropshire radio came along, turning the site into a media circus and interviewed me instead.

I prefer the radio anyway.

TV is rubbish.

I guess the release of my autobiography will have to wait a little longer.

My appologise to anyone who sat through Bargin Hunt, waiting to see me make a complete bumhole of myself.

*insert sad face here*