The Assasination Of A Beloved Children's Character.... Part two

Part one of the story can be read HERE

BIG EARS LOOKED AT NODDY WHO IN TURN LOOKED STRAIGHT BACK AT BIG EARS.  THEY BOTH HAD THE LOOK OF FEAR IN THEIR LITTLE PLASTIC EYES.

NODDY BLINKED AND SWIPED HIS HAT BACK.  “WHAT THE FLIP DO WE DO NOW?” HE ASKED IN A WHISPER.

BIG EARS SCRATCHED HIS HEAD. “SHUT UP I'M THINKING.”

“FLIP ME.” SNORTED NODDY.  “WE DON’T HAVE ALL DAY.”

“SHUT THE FLIP UP.” BIG EARS SAID THROUGH HIS TEETH.

“YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES.” SAID PLOD FROM OUTSIDE.

ALL THE BLINDS WERE SHUT IN THE HOUSE AND NONE OF THE SMALL GREEN PLASTIC BERET COULD GET A CLEAR LINE OF FIRE TO THE TWO BAR-STEWARDS INSIDE.

THE REST OF TOY TOWN WERE STOOD BEHIND THE LARGE PLASTIC BIN BARRIERS TO PROTECT THEM FROM THE CARNAGE THAT WOULD TAKE PLACE SHORTLY.

INSIDE, THE TWO TOYS STOOD STILL UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO NEXT.  THEN BIG EARS ALLOWED A THOUGHT TO ENTER HIS HEAD.  “WAIT THERE.” 

HE POINTED TO THE SPOT WHERE NODDY WAS STOOD.

NODDY BEGAN TO SWEAT.  HE REMEMBERED THE TIME WHEN HE WAS THE PILLAR OF COMMUNITY.  EVERYONE LIKED HIM.  HE HAD A CAR AND A GOOD JOB.  BUT THEN BIG EARS CAME BACK FROM HIS HOLIDAY WITH SOME 'STUFF' IN A BAG AND THINGS JUST WENT FROM BAD TO WORSE.  BUT THAT WAS THE PAST AND HE WAS HERE NOW KNEE DEEP IN DO-DO AND IT WAS GETTING DEEPER.

JUST THEN BIG EARS CAME BACK FROM THE LOFT LOADED TO THE TEETH WITH GUNS GRENADES AND FAR MORE AMMUNITION THAN ANY SELF RESPECTING TOY SHOULD HAVE.

“JESUS H. CHRIST.” LAUGHED NODDY.  “HOW? WHERE? YOU ARE ONE EVIL BLINCKERED-SO AND SO BIG EARS.”

BIG EARS THREW NODDY A GUN OR TWO AND SCATTERED SOME AMMO ON THE FLOOR.  THERE WAS ENOUGH TO KEEP A SMALL ARMY IN THEIR TRENCHES FOR A WEEK.

“YOU TAKE THE KITCHEN AND I’LL KEEP THESE BLEEPERS BUSY IN HERE.” 

IT BECAME CLEAR TO NODDY THAT BIG EARS HAD BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY FOR A LONG TIME.  IF THEY EVER MADE IT OUT OF THIS ONE THEY WOULD HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND A GOOD TALK ABOUT HIS PAST.

“ YOUR TIME IS UP BOYS.  ARE YOU COMING OUT OR DO WE HAVE TO BLOW YOU OUT OF THE SKY” SAID PLOD WITH A SNEER.

“SHUT YOUR STUPID FAT MOTHER SOMETHING ‘COS I'M GONNA FILL YOUR BOTTOM WITH SO MUCH LEAD YOU’LL POOP PENCILS FOR A MONTH” CRIED BIG EARS.  

HE COCKED HIS GUN AND KNOCKED A SMALL HOLE IN THE WOODEN WINDOW COVERS.

BULLETS BEGAN TO THROW THEMSELVES FROM HIS GUN.  THEY SCREAMED THROUGH THE AIR AND HEADED FOR THE MANY LITTLE GREEN SOLDIERS THAT STOOD, KNEELED OR CROUCHED AROUND THE HOUSE.  

AS THE BULLETS REACHED THEIR TARGETS THEY SKIDDED TO A HALT.  THE SOLDIERS LOOKED CROSS-EYED AT THE PLASTIC BLOBS AS THEY OPENED THEIR FRONTS TO REVEAL A BOXING GLOVE, WHICH SMACKED THEM IN THE FACE AND KNOCKED THEM OUT ONE BY ONE.

PC PLOD ORDERED HIS MEN BEGAN TO RETURN FIRE.  WITHIN A MATTER OF MINUTES BIG EARS HOUSE LOOKED LIKE MULTI-COLOURED SWISS CHEESE.

FROM THE INSIDE, NODDY LAY ON THE FLOOR.  BULLETS CRASHED AROUND HIM.  A VASE, ABOVE HIS HEAD, SMASHED INTO A THOUSAND PIECES.  NODDY FLINCHED INTO THE FOETUS POSITION AND SQUEALED LIKE A GIRL.

“I CAN’T DO THIS ANY MORE.” HE CRIED. "I WANT TO BE A GOOD TOY!"

BIG EARS WAS TOO BUSY BLOWING TOYS TO BITS TO LISTEN.

NODDY GRIPPED HIS GUN AND PUT IT IN HIS MOUTH. 

HE SPOKE SOME MUMBLED WORDS WITH THE BARREL OF GUN POINTING UP TO HIS TINY MARBLE MIND.

BIG EARS GOT A FLASH BACK TO THE BEDROOM WAR OF OLD.  

HE WAS THERE.  THE HEAT, THE BLOOD THE LEGO MEN WERE ABOUT TO MAKE THEIR FINAL ASSAULT ON HIS PLATOON WHO LAY IN BITS ON THE FLOOR.

HE SCRAMBLED ACROSS THE FLOOR TO WHERE NODDY WAS BLUBBERING LIKE A CHILD.  AS HE WENT ACROSS THE GLASS FILLED CARPET HE PICKED UP SPARE AMMO AND THE BIGGER OF THE GUNS.  ONE OF THEM BELONGED TO NODDY.

“LISTEN DIPWAD.  YOU’RE A SOLDIER, AND YOUR GONNA DIE LIKE A FUCKING SOLDIER.”  

HE SAW THE FACE OF THE TEDDY BEAR WHO LAY IN THE POSITION THAT NODDY LAY IN NOW.

“YES OF COURSE. YOUR RIGHT.”  NODDY GOT TO HIS FEET AND GRABBED SOME GUNS.

THE LIGHT FROM THE HOLES IN THE WALL CAPTURED BIG EARS, IN THE WAY IT DOES IN FILMS AND CAPTURED THE MOOD PERFECTLY.

“TIME TO OPEN A CAN OF KICK ARSE.”

FROM OUT SIDE PC PLOD GAVE THE SIGNAL TO STOP FIRING.  AFTER A FEW SECONDS OF CONFUSION THE GUNS STOPPED.  THERE WASN’T A SOUND FROM THE HOUSE.  

PLOD LOOKED AROUND AT HIS MEN. 

MOST WERE INJURED.  SOME WERE DEAD. 

THEY WERE CASUALTIES OF WAR.  HE GAVE THE ORDER TO CLEAR THE WOUNDED AND DEAD.

SUDDENLY THERE CAME A RUSTLING FROM THE BUSHES.  ACTION MAN CAME OUT ZIPPING UP HIS FLY.

AS PC PLOD TURNED AROUND TO SEE HIS OLD COMRADE AND HIS LATEST SEXUAL CONQUEST(S), THE DOOR FROM WHAT WAS LEFT OF BIG EARS HOUSE OPENED.  

FROM INSIDE CAME THE CRY OF BLOOD HUNGRY BIG EARS AND HIS PARTNER MAD DOG NODDY.

THEY RAN (in slow motion, JUST LIKE THE BIG FINALE IN THE FILMS) OUT OF THE HOUSE AND FIRED THEIR GUNS AT RANDOM.  SOME OF THE WALKING WOUNDED WEREN’T WALKING ANYMORE AS THEY SHOT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.

“DIE MOTHER FLIPPING WALLIES!!” SCREAMED BIG EARS WITH RAGE OVER THE SOUND OF HIS PUMP ACTION SHOTGUN.

“YEA!” JOINED IN NODDY.  “ EAT LEAD YOU…PIGS!”  NO MATTER HOW HARD HE TRIED THE THOUGHT OF DEATH GAVE NODDY THE HEEBIE JEEBIES.

PC PLOD TOOK A BULLET IN THE ARM.  HE SPUN ROUND AND FELL TO THE GROUND.  UNFORTUNATELY HIS BOTTOM HAD BEEN DESIGNED TO RUN ALL THE WAY AROUND AND HE SHOT BACK UP AGAIN.

FOR THE BRIEF MOMENT HE LAY HORIZONTAL, ANOTHER BULLET SHOT PAST HIM.  THIS ONE HIT ACTION MAN FULL IN THE FACE. 

HE FELL TO THE FLOOR DEAD.

PLOD SAW THIS AND TOOK OUT HIS GUN.  

BY NOW BIG EARS AND NODDY WERE CLOSE ENOUGH FOR A CLEAR SHOT.

HE ONLY HAD TWO BULLETS LEFT AND KNEW THIS WAS HIS LAST CHANCE.

HE TOOK AIM AT BIG EARS WHO WAS CLOSER.  

THE TRIGGER SQUEEZED TIGHTER UNTIL THE PIN MADE CONTACT AND THE BULLET WHICH RAN ITS WAY DOWN THE BARREL. 

IT SAW ITS TARGET AND FLEW RIGHT AT HIM.  BIG EARS FELL BACK AS THE BULLET MADE CONTACT.

NODDY SKIDDED TO A HALT AND KNELT BY HIS SIDE.

“AVENGE MY DEATH.” HE WHISPERED LIKE AN OVER ACTING FILM STAR.

NODDY NODDED.  HE LOOKED UP AND SAW PLOD TAKING AIM AT HIM.  NODDY RAISED HIS GUN AND WITHOUT HESITATION SHOT AT PC PLOD.

PLOD HAD THE SAME IDEA AND THE BULLETS RACED EACH OTHER.

THEY PASSED EACH OTHER WITH JUST ENOUGH ROOM TO FIT A FLEA’S 'EXCUSE ME' IN BETWEEN.

NODDY SAW HIS TINY PLASTIC CHEST EXPLODE IN FRONT OF HIM.  WHILE PC PLOD WOBBLED, HIS TOP HALF BLOWN OFF COMPLETELY.

THE NEXT DAY THE REMAINING CITIZENS OF TOY TOWN LAY A MASS FUNERAL FOR THEIR COMRADES, THE MEN AND WOMEN AND OTHER TOYS WHO LAY DOWN THEIR LIVES SO THAT THEY COULD LIVE IN PEACE AND HARMONY.

BUT IT WASN’T GOING TO BE LIKE THAT FOREVER.

NOW THE MAIN LAW ENFORCEMENT WAS OUT OF ACTION IT LEFT THE PATH OPEN FOR ANY MAD TOY TO TAKE HIS CHANCE.

AND THERE WERE PLENTY OF THEM.  ALL THOSE TOYS YOU PLAYED WITH WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG.  

THROWN AWAY, FORGOTTEN, BROKEN OR SOLD AT CAR BOOT SALES.  MISUSED AND TORMENTED WITH LIGHTERS AND MATCHES OR A HAMMER.  THE TIME FOR THEIR REVENGE WAS AT HAND…

END.

The Assassination Of A Beloved Children's Character...part one.

THE REAL ADVENTURES OF NODDY

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THE BIG YELLOW PLASTIC SUN SHONE DOWN OVER THE LAND, ON ALL THE LITTLE PLASTICINE ANIMALS THAT WERE GRAZING IN THE FIELDS OF LEGO AND IN THE CENTRE OF ALL THIS HAPPINESS WAS TOY TOWN.  HOME OF ALL THE TOYS IN THE WORLD.  FROM ACTION MAN TO POWER RANGERS.  FROM THE LEGO MEN TO TRANSFORMERS AND THE REST, THEY ALL LIVED IN HARMONY TOGETHER.  THAT WAS UNTIL ONE DAY…

NODDY DROVE THROUGH TOY TOWN IN HIS NEW RED AND YELLOW PORSCHE.  HE DROVE SO FAST THAT HE NEARLY LOST HIS BIG BLUE HAT COMPLETE WITH SHINY BELL ON THE END.  THE REASON HE WAS DRIVING SO FAST WAS THAT HE WAS LATE FOR LUNCH WITH HIS BEST MATE BIG EARS.  BIG EARS WAS NOT SOMEONE YOU WANTED TO MESS WITH AND SO NODDY RACED OFF AT HIGH SPEED SLIPPING GEARS LIKE A PRO.

AS HE CAME TO THE CENTRE OF TOY TOWN HE WAS FORCED TO SLOW DOWN FOR THE OTHER TOYS, WHO FOR SOME REASON THAT WILL NEVER BE FULLY EXPLAINED, COULDN’T AFFORD A CAR OF THEIR OWN.  IT WAS PROBABLY BECAUSE NODDY CHARGED OVER INFLATION RATES FOR A RIDE IN HIS CAR AND SO PEOPLE COULDN’T SAVE UP FOR ONE.

AS HE WAITED FOR THE BIG LIGHTS TO CHANGE FROM RED TO GREEN HE REVVED THE ENGINE OF HIS LITTLE PLASTIC CAR.  OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS EYE HE SAW PC PLOD WOBBLE UP TO HIM.  HIS BRIGHT RED FLUSTERED FACE GLARING RIGHT AT HIM.  NODDY LOOKED AT THE LIGHTS AND THEN AT PC PLOD.

“HELLO THERE NODDY HOW ARE YOU TODAY.” SAID THE POLICE OFFICER IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE AS NODDY RACED THROUGH THE LIGHTS.  THROUGH THE DUST PC PLOD SAW THE DRIVER FLICK A ‘V’ SIGN AT HIM.  HE QUICKLY WROTE DOWN THE PLATE NUMBER OF THE CAR.  IT WAS A POINTLESS EXERCISE BECAUSE NODDY WAS THE ONLY PERSON IN TOY TOWN WITH A CAR AND HE SAW NODDY IN THE DRIVERS SEAT ANYWAY.

PLOD CLENCHED HIS LITTLE PLASTIC HANDS AND WOBBLED AWAY.  BUMPY DOG LOOKED UP AT HIM AND WAGGED HIS TAIL.  “BOW WOW.”  IT SAID.

“NOT NOW DOG.” GROWLED PC PLOD BECAUSE TOYS FIND IT VERY HARD TO SWEAR.

ALL WAS NOT HAPPY IN TOY TOWN.

THREE MINUTES LATER NODDY PULLED A 360 OUTSIDE BIG EARS HOUSE AND FLEW THROUGH THE DOOR INTO HIS FRONT ROOM, WHICH DOUBLED UP AS A BEDROOM.

“DON’T YOU EVER KNOCK? YOU LITTLE TURD.”  BELLOWED BIG EARS.  HE WAS SAT UP IN BED, RED FACED AND BLURRY EYED.

“WHAT’S UP WITH YOU YA FAT PIG?” HISSED NODDY SITTING DOWN IN THE CHAIR IN THE CORNER.  HE LIT A FAG THAT KEPT BEHIND HIS EAR.  “BEEN ON AN ALL NIGHT BINGE AGAIN HAVE YOU?”  HE SAID PUFFING AWAY.  “WHO DID YOU TRAP OFF WITH THIS TIME YOU DIRTY OLD MAN?  CINDY, BARBIE, OR ONE OF THE CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS AGAIN YOU RANDY SEX POT.”  NODDY SNIGGERED TO HIMSELF.

BIG EARS RUBBED HIS HEAD AND TRIED TO REMEMBER WHAT HAD HAPPENED THE NIGHT BEFORE.  “NO, I ENDED UP AT BUTTON MOONSHINE’S.”  HE MOANED.

NODDY SAT UP STRAIGHT AND NEARLY SWALLOWED HIS CIG.  “ THAT’S A PUFTERS BAR.  WHAT THE CHUFF WERE YOU DOING THERE, YOU BENT TOSSER?”

BIG EARS LENT FORWARD AND THREW UP ALL OVER THE BED.  NODDY LAUGHED SO HARD HIS LITTLE BELL ON TOP OF HIS HAT BEGAN TO RING AND FLICKED HIS CIGARETTE END THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOW.

LIFE FOR TOYS WAS VERY DIFFERENT WHEN CHILDREN WER NOT AROUND TO PLAY WITH THEM AND NOTHING LIKE TOY STORY AT ALL!

BACK IN TOY TOWN PC PLOD RANG SOME OF OLD FRIENDS FROM HIS SERVICE YEARS. 

BEFORE JOINING THE POLICE FORCE PC PLOD WAS KNOWN AS CORPORAL PLOD.  HE WAS AT THE FRONT LINE IN THE BEDROOM WARS IN THE EARLY EIGHTIES BEFORE REACHING RETIREMENT AGE AND SETTLING DOWN IN THE FORCE.  HE’D NEVER HAD MUCH TROUBLE FROM NODDY AND BIG EARS BEFORE; THEY ALWAYS SEEMED SUCH HELPFUL CHAPS.  IT WASN’T UNTIL BIG EARS BROUGHT BACK SOME MARY-JOANNA FROM BONGO-BONGO LAND* THAT THING'S STARTED TO GO WRONG.  PLOD HAD BEEN VERY EASY ON NODDY IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS, WITH ATTEMPTED ROBBERY, DRUNK IN CHARGE OF A VEHICLE, RESISTING ARREST, BAD LANGUAGE, ASSAULTING AN OFFICER OF THE LAW AND MANY MORE OFFENCES THAT HE HAD LET OFF WITH A SIMPLE CAUTION.

“WELL NOT ANY MORE MY LITTLE BLUE HATTED FRIEND.  THIS TIME PLOD FIGHTS BACK.” HE THOUGHT OUT LOUD. THE PHONE ANSWERED. 

“HELLO? ACTION MAN’S OFFICE PLEASE.” HE SAID TO THE RECEPTIONIST.  AS HE WAITED TO BE PUT THROUGH DINA DOLL AND TUBBY BEAR BURST THROUGH THE DOOR.

“QUICK PC PLOD.”  DINA PANTED.  “THERE’S A MEETING ABOUT NODDY AND BIG EARS.” SHE LOST HER BREATH. TUBBY CONTINUED.  “ YOU HAVE TO COME AND STOP THEM FROM FIGHTING.”  THEY WAITED FOR HIM TO FINISH ON THE PHONE AND LED HIM DOWN THE HIGH STREET TO THE TOWN HALL, PAST ALL THE SHOPS AND MARKET STALLS THAT WERE LEFT DESERTED AND SHUT FOR THE MEETING.

NODDY SAT ALONE IN THE BEDROOM COME LOUNGE THAT WAS LITTERED WITH PIZZA BOXES, EMPTY CANS OF LAGER AND FAG ENDS THAT WAS HOME TO BIG EARS.  HE PICKED HIS NOSE AND WIPED HIS FINDINGS ON THE SIDE OF THE WOODEN CHAIR HE SAT IN.  

“COME ON YOU FAT SLOB.  HURRY UP” HE SHOUTED TO BIG EARS WHO WAS STILL TRYING TO GET READY TO GO OUT, BITS OF SICK STILL STUCK TO HIS CHIN.  “SOD OFF YOU LITTLE UP-START, OR I’LL KICK YOUR PLASTIC ARSE DOWN THE STREET.”  CAME THE REPLY FROM THE BATHROOM.

“WHIZZ OFF” HISSED NODDY UNDER HIS BREATH.  HE STOOD OVER THE CRAP THAT LAY ON THE FLOOR AND WALKED OVER TO THE STEREO.  HE PRESSED THE ON BUTTON.

FROM OUTSIDE, THE LITTLE PLASTIC HOUSE SHOOK VIOLENTLY AS THOUGH THE WHOLE WORLD WAS ABOUT TO END.  INSIDE, BIG EARS CAUGHT THE MOST OF THE BLAST OF NOISE KNOW TO MOST RAVERS AS THE PRODIGY BECAUSE OF HIS HUGE LOBES.  NODDY WAS THROWN RIGHT ACROSS THE ROOM FROM THE SHEAR BLAST OF SOUND.  BIG EARS THREW A BOOK AT THE STEREO AND KNOCKED IT OFF.  “YOU WITLESS OAF.” BELLOWED BIG EARS.  “ YOU ARE THE MOST DOCILE TWIT I HAVE EVER MET. YOU STUPID BOLLOCK.”

HE STARTED TO GO RED IN THE FACE.  NODDY COULDN’T HERE A WORD HIS JUNKIE PAL WAS SAYING; HE HAD BECOME COMPLETELY DEAF FROM THE MUSIC.  BIG EARS CARRIED ON YELLING AND SCREAMING AT NODDY WHO JUST SAT THERE ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO A DEAD PLANT, RUBBING HIS HEAD.

AFTER A FEW MINUTES, WHEN THE ENTIRE WORLD HAD STOPPED SWIMMING AND COLOURS CAME BACK, NODDY'S HEARING SLOWLY CAME BACK TO HIM.  FIRST HE COULD HEAR STATIC, THEN MUMBLES, HIS OWN HEART, AND THEN LOUDER AND LOUDER THE VOICE OF BIG ERAS.  HE STOOD UP.

BIG EARS WAS EASILY TWICE THE SIZE OF NODDY BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP HIM SMACKING HIM ON THE BEAK.

BIG EARS CLOSED HIS MOUTH AND STARED IN DISBELIEF AT HIS LITTLE BLUE HATTED FRIEND.  

BEFORE NODDY HAD A CHANCE TO RUN AWAY BIG 
EARS GRABBED HOLD OF HIS HAT AND RIPPED IT OFF HIS HEAD.  “OI!” SAID NODDY.  BIG EARS FLICKED THE LITTLE BELL ON THE TOP OF THE HAT.  “GIVE THAT BACK NOW.” SAID NODDY HANDS ON HIPS.  BIG EARS TOOK NO NOTICE AND WALKED PAST HIM.  HE GOT TO THE FRONT DOOR AND WAS ABOUT TO OPEN IT TO THROW THE ANNOYING TINKLING BEANIE HAT IN THE STREET WHEN A VOICE BELLOWED FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD.

“WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE.”  SHOUTED PLOD THROUGH HIS LOUD HAILER.  HE WAS STOOD BEHIND ONE OF ACTION MANS BIKES, WITH ACTION MAN BEHIND THE BUSHES DOING THE DIRTY WITH BARBIE AND CINDY.

PC PLOD CARRIED ON, REGARDLESS OF WHAT HIS OLD WAR COMRADE WAS UP TO.

“COME ON OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND WE WON’T HURT YOU.  MUCH.”

to be continued.....

*IT WASN'T RACIST IN THE '80'S...

The Tale of The Magical Dog (part two)

Where were we....

Oh yes.

Shep sat there on the sofa flicking through the channels looking for something to watch. I found myself staring at the screen seeing snippets of faces and bright garish colours flash by with half read words attempting to entice me to borrow money so I can then buy things I can't afford and don't need.

Moments passed. I broke away from the hypnotic trance of the TV and looked at the dog.

The dog looked back.

"You are supposed to grant me wishes." I said.

"YA!" barked the dog.

"Ya?" I questioned. Dog's don't talk, I thought to myself.

"YA. I VILL GRANT YOU YOUR VISHES VONCE I HAVT FINISHED VATCHINK MIEN FAVOURITE SHOW!" he said with his mouth!

"You have a German accent?" Was the only semi-intelligent thing I could think of saying.

"DIZ IZ CORRECT. I AM BE-INK EIN GERMAN DOGG. WHAT ACCENT VOULD YOU ZINK I VOULD HAVE?" he asked.

"I ... ummm..." I was lost for words.

"UNT BY ZE VAY. DO NOT BE CALLINK ME 'SHEP'. ZAT IST NOT MINE NAME." He continued.

I nervously pushed my spectacles back up my nose and asked "Well, what should I call you?"

I couldn't believe I was having this conversation. Here I was talking to my dog like he was a real person. 

"YOU CAN CALL ME...." He paused for dramatic effect, which really wasn't necessary as here I was, talking to a dog who was trying to watch a program about people buying houses on the cheap.

"ADOLPH!"

"Adolph?!?!" I gulped.

"YA ADOLPH. ZAT IST MIEN NAME. - DUMMKPF!" he barked. (It really was the only way he could talk....)

"As in..." I started to ask, but She... Adolph interrupted me with a sigh.

"YA. AS IN ADOLPH HITLER. ZE ONE UNT ONLY. I AM ZE REINCARNATION OF THE LEADER OF THE THIRD RIECH UNT I HAVE BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE AS EIN DOG."

"A dog that can grant wishes?" Something didn't seem quite right about this. 

"Something does seem quite right about this." I added as an after thought.

"ZERE IST NO FAIRNESS ABOUT IT. I AM NOT A FAN OF BEINK A DOG YOU KNOW?" Adolph said sadly.

I had no pity for him. This was the man/dog that tried to take over the world and killed millions of people because he lost a testicle.

"VAT IST YOUR VISH IDIOT?" he demanded.

At this point, I snapped.

It was bad enough that this creature had eaten my food and sat on my sofa watching crap TV but for him to be the reincarnation of Hilter... IN MY HOUSE! that was too much. AND I hadn't even thought of a decent wish.

This was turning out to be a terrible day.

"COME ON COME ON!" Hilter barked. "MAKE YOUR VISH!"

Right. I thought. I'll show him!

"Okay." I said. "Here is my wish...."

Hilter looked up, his tail twitching slightly.

"I wish you were dead!"

Nothing happened.

And then it did.

Adolph the Dog looked up at me with big puppy dog eyes. For a moment I wondered if I should have asked for a billion pounds first and then wished him dead.... yea, I should have done that. Damn that dog!

But I didn't and Adolph Hitler dropped off the sofa and flopped on to the floor and died. But not before he did a little poo on the living room rug.

I hate Adolph Hitler.

The Tale Of The Magical Dog (part one)

Every now and again my mind goes blank.

...

today is one of those days.

I can't really go into it too much but I have nothing new to say. Which may be a good thing. It stops me getting into further trouble for a bit, so let's go with that.

Instead of me just rambling on, literally about NOTHING, I shall instead share with you the first part of a story I wrote exactly 10 years ago.

Part two shall be up next week:

There’s no real way to describe how I’m feeling right now so I wont even bother. Instead I will tell about the most amazing thing that ever happened to me.

It all started about a week ago when I murdered my dog.

His name was Shep and he was the most disgusting animal you have ever seen in your life. I’m not sure what breed he was but the man in the shop said he had magical powers and could grant any wish I desired if I stroked his belly. I thought that’s a bloody good way to spend five quid and promptly made the exchange with the magic dog seller.

By the time I got home I couldn’t wait to try out my new magic dog and set about getting ready for my first wish. I sat on the sofa and reached down beneath his collar.

Shep was a brown longhaired kind of pooch. His ears flopped low past his chin. His eyes were small and beady like a criminal and his tail was stumped as though it had been removed as a pup. He was bigger than a German Shepard but smaller than a Jack Russell in a cant-make-my-mind-up-what-I-am kind of way. Very odd dog it was.

Anyway. There I was stroking and rubbing and tickling nearly every part of the underneath (because there are just some places males don’t like to touch on another’s body no matter what species it belongs too) and absolutely nothing happened.

Then I remembered what the man in the shop said with one of those reverbing echos that memories are supposed to have.

“You have to feed him before he will grant your wish.” It was at this point I realised why he said this into a paper cup. It seemed odd at the time but I thought it was just one of those dog seller things…

And so I fed him. I walked into the kitchen and Shep followed me, his tongue lolling around his mouth with gay abandon. It was almost as if the creature had a sixth sense about it.

I poured out a tin of chum into a bowl and lay it on the floor.

Shep looked at me as if to say. “You monkeys eat of the floor. I want silver service you biped buffoon.”

In an almost uncanny way I could read the dogs thoughts. I knew exactly what he wanted. I don’t mean to say that I heard the words in my head like another person was speaking to me. It was more like an idea I thought up myself but deep down I knew it wasn’t me.

In all the confusion I found myself helping Shep to sit at the table, his back legs resting on the seat of the chair while his front paws held him up to the bowl in front of him.

And I watched him eat. I watched my brand new magical dog eat at the table with a knife and fork. Which isn’t the easiest thing for an animal to do. Especially when they don’t have opposable thumbs.

But somehow Shep could do it and did it he did.

My magical dog!

After he had finished I washed his bowl and gave him a glass of water which he picked up in both paws and gulped right down. After a little burp he jumped from the table and made his way to the living room.

I followed and stared in wonderment as he climbed onto the sofa and began to flick through the channels looking for something dog worthy to watch. I was at this point everything went wrong and I began to realise that this dog was going to be more trouble than he was worth.