Professor Stephen Hawkins hasn’t said much for a while. In fact
the last thing I can find on the internet is dated all the back to September
2010!
For someone who it is claimed is the cleverest man in the
world, he’s gone a bit shy with answers to the latest problems facing our
species of late....
So in his absence I opt for myself to take on the mantel of world’s
problem solver.
Any objections?
No?
Sweet...
Here goes then.
Problem one: WAR – most
clever bods and left wing thinkers will take great pleasure in moaning on that
war is all about is greed and money and that the only way to stop war is stop
the wicked governments and smash up a McDonald’s window to show your disdain
for capitalism. That is rubbish. The thing that smashing windows and having a protest
does is cause traffic delays and raise insurance premiums. Oh, and allow the
police to practice kettling routines.
There really isn’t a problem with war. War is good for many
reasons. It allows great leaps in science and medicine for example. The Second
World War allowed for the creation of many things we take for granted today. Air
travel, motorways, microwave ovens, great leaps in surgery and medicine as
well. And let’s not forget all those brilliant war movies like The Eagle has
landed, Shindlers List, Ghostbusters two and Apocalypse now to name but three
and another one.
The real problem people have with war is the killing. The deaths
of civilians and of soldiers. That’s the bad part and I tend to agree. But without
soldiers there would be no war. So my solution to war is to stop the soldiers
fighting. But how to do this...
It’s very simple really. All you need are three things 1, a
war zone.
2 some soldiers fighting each other.
3 a burger van.
Here’s how it works.
Wait for a couple of days of fighting (no one really gets
near each other to do any serious damage in the few couple of days) until the
round of rations have been eaten. Then simply parachute a couple of burger vans
into “no-man’s land” and set up shop. But not burgers. THAT WOULDN’T WORK AT
ALL. Instead start making bacon butties!
Nobody can resist the sweet fleshy smell of bacon butties –
even vegetarians.
Put up a sign that says FREE BACON BUTTIES and watch ‘em
flock in.
But Bumferry you damned fool what about people who don’t eat
pork like Muslims and all that?
And there you have a good point were it not for the fact
that I had already thought of that.
Simply make toast!
 |
| admit it - you want one! |
Thick cut, heavily butter toast is the ultimate weapon to
stop anybody in their tracks. Especially if it’s cut diagonally. For some
reason toast cut into triangles tastes better.
As the soldiers for each side converge at the burger van,
offer politely to take their rifles and guns away so they can take advantage of
the tea and coffee on offer as well as hey presto! War over.
Piece of piss!
Problem two: FAMINE –
Those images we have all seen on TV of starving kids and
families in faraway lands can often bring a lump to your throat. But over the
years since those first reports from Nicholas Whitchell in the 1980’s of Africa
in famine and the resulting Live Aid events, we have all become a little immune
to the horrors of others.
Charity events don’t quite cut it anymore. We can’t be
bothered to give money. Not even red nose day or comic relief does it for me
anymore. The promise of two bit comic’s dicking around until 2 am isn’t enough
for me to put my hand in my pocket.
How to get around this problem?
Easy peasy lemon squeezy!
First some facts. Africa is a hot sunny country. That’s why
it has so many droughts and therefore famines... so what to do?
The world monetary fund could give the continent of Africa an
interest free loan to secure money to build the world’s biggest solar panel
array. The people of Africa can be employed to “farm” fields of solar panels,
keeping them clean and cool (solar panels only work under certain temperatures
and stop working if they get too hot, which is a bit ironic!)
The energy made by the solar panel can be stored and sold to
other countries around the world, in the same way oil is now. The people of Africa
can get funding and corporate partnerships with other countries such as the USA
UK etc to build the parts, train farmers build pipe line for water administrate
the workforce and so on. Africa becomes a fully functioning power house for the
world. The economy in each member state of Africa become richer over time with
the guidance of those countries better suited and more used to running huge
businesses.
The result is that the whole world has cheap renewable clean
energy, Africa can afford to buy in food it needs and everyone agrees to make
me king!
Get-in!!
Problem three: poverty/world
economy –
See above.
That last idea was bloody brilliant I’m taking the rest of
the day off!
Problem four: misc.
Most problems can be resolved very easily by simply ignoring
them. Scary dogs, cancer, ghosts etc. Just ignore them and they will get bored
of you if you don’t react.
Then again I might be wrong. I’m not perfect. I’m certainly
no Stephen Hawking.
Speaking of which if he wants to take back what he once said
about my mum I would be willing to listen to what he has to say, other that I
have no interest in his lies and hateful comments.
You really don’t know some people until you see their bad
side.
That’s enough from me.
I’ve done enough for you lot already. What do want? BLOOD???
LOTS OF LOVE Bumferry Hogart (saviour of the world)
Carry on.