The Ultimate Answer to Everything.

Before we start this weeks post I want you to have a look around you.

Go on. 
Have a look at the things around you. Make a mental note of where you are and what's going on because, one day, people will ask the question "Where were you when you read about the Ultimate Answer to Everything?"


As has been mentioned many times, the world is in a terrible state. Wars and financial crashes. Crappy weather and there is nothing good on TV.

Everywhere you go - there's trouble in one form or another.

It's a right chore!

It could be something as mundane as a traffic jam, or the hot water has gone off again mid shower.
Or your favourite football team has lost ANOTHER game.

Maybe you are worried about the prospect of a buffoon being elected the most powerful politician in the world. Or maybe you can't find your keys and you are already late for work.

But none of those things will matter once I have explained how we can change our lives for the better.

What's more, it's really easy to do.


I've bloody cracked it.

I genuinely think I have found a way for everyone to have a better life.

All we need is for one person (preferably a female, but it could work with a male) to step up and make a teeny tiny sacrifice.

Here's the science bit:

Here in the UK, we are pretty rubbish at sports.

We might come close to winning a thing, be it tennis or swimming or darts - any of those - but when push comes to shove, we are not very good, or at least consistently good.

But that doesn't stop sports fans from screaming for their preferred sports person to achieve greatness with the universal encouragement of "COME ON...!"

By shouting nothing more than "COME ON...!" at a professional athlete who spends their every waking moment concentrating on the task at hand and has done so for many years, shouting at them to "come on" is about as much use as farting at a bush fire.

Pick a sport.

Tennis - COME ON TIM

Snooker - COME ON RONNIE

Football - COME ON ARSENAL/UTD/CITY etc...

Darts - COME ON FATTY

They are all the same.

No imagination.

It leaves people feeling exasperated and ignored.

The sports stars they pay to watch are not listening to them.

But they would if they changed their name to Elieen.

Let's hold a lottery or a phone in, whereby people can vote for who should change their name by deed poll to Eileen, and then when they play in their chosen field we can all shout COME ON EILEEN!!!

What could go wrong?

Absolutely nothing, that's what.

Picture the scene, in your mind, if you will.

A ten thousand strong crowd of overweight, drunk, possibly culturally inept mouth breathers all singing the 1980's hit tune from Dexys Midnight Runners.

Both opposing side of fans singing (not quite in harmony) COME ON EILEEN..neer ner ner nerner ner... COME OOOON EILEEEEEN!

Brilliant.

It could even become the national anthem!

God Save The Queen is dull, boring and doesn't inspire anybody apart from her majesty's very own private GP to up the ante.

However, A huge crowd of people swayed to follow one person or team over another purely due to geography or perceived chance of winning in any given game of skill ALL giving it good guns at the top of their voices would give a carnival, if somewhat dated, sense of pride, party and joy.

It is almost impossible for anyone of any age to not know at least 3 of the 14 words in the chorus for this song.

That's more than the current national anthem (percentage wise) as we only ever hear the 1st of 6 verses of a song which is primarily about having the life of a very rich lady and very little to do with the nation or it's people.

Come on Eileen also has very little to do with the UK as a whole or it's people, but at least we can all agree it is a very catchy tune and has a bit of an upbeat feel to it.

I guarantee that Ronnie O'Sullivan would pot more balls, The England Rugby team would tackle better, the cricket team would be able to stand in a field with more pride and even little Tom Daly would each achieve greater standards of falling into some water if they were all egged on with Dexy's biggest hit ringing in their ears.

I bet even the slobs that play for England FC would find themselves loosing by not quite as much, if that break down bit where it goes "oooh come on, Elieen ta-loo-ra ay!" was chanted around Wembley instead of that nob head with a trumpet.

By doing this, our nation would win more.

By Winning more medals and trophies we, the people, would know for sure that it was OUR participation that gave players the vital push needed to win.

Knowing we played our part would make us all a little bit more happy.

Being happy makes you work better, earn more and spend more.

The economy would be saved.

Foreign investors would flock to our shores with buckets of cash and all would be right with the world.

Have this song as our national anthem and BOOM! we're all tickled pink.

You can say I'm wrong, but you would know yourself that's a lie.

Bumfism - A Religion For All

There's loads of religions knocking about these days.

From Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Scientology and everything in between.

None of them seem to hit all the right buttons though.

People from one religion hate people from another religion.

Pick any one of those religions above and you will find one group who others of the same faith - sometimes, just because they view a bit of a book in a different way.

People have died for this.

It's Bonkers.

With all the wars, hatred, disease, famine and repeats on the BBC, prayers are going unanswered left, right and centre.

So I guess it falls to me to reconcile all these folks and start my own religion in order to make the world a better place.

Lord knows.... (sorry) Bumf knows I've tried in the past to solve all the worlds ills, but to little avail and so the only viable option is start a movement and maybe with the power of the people and their will (and possibly money) we can create the utopia we deserve.

So... what does a religion need?

First things first, we need a set of rules.

• Thou shalt not be a Dave about things

• Seriously - don't be a dick.

There we go - that about covers it.

I suppose I should go into more detail to avoid disputes and any interpretations... but if that does happen then both parties will be seen as acting like a pair of Daves and will be punished.   

With the rules all cleared up and easy to follow, what are the benefits for true believers?

• A free cup of tea or coffee and a biscuit should be offered to all followers by fellow followers whenever they meet up in person.

• 10% discount at Our-price, Dixons and Blockbuster to all card carrying members.

oh yes...

• Everlasting euphoria in the life hereafter. 

And I'll throw in a couple of scratch cards for the first 100 members.

But are there any punishments for heathens and non believers?

• For starters they will not told what the secret handshake is (It's shake, bump, twist, bump, turn, high 5 and body slam)

• Once our religion take control, non followers will not be able to fast forward through the adverts.

• 
  

• Any TRUE non-believers will not be able to see the above punishment. (the suckers!)

Is there a uniform or place of worship?

There is no uniform, but you are expected to tuck your shirt in and have a wash. Cleanliness is next to Godliness and all that.

As for Worship, God is supposed to be omnipotent and everyone enjoys there privacy so I have decided to combine the two and declare the toilet is sacred ground. This means that you may pray, poo and ponder to your hearts content and nothing and nobody can stop you.

So what's left? 

Well, a name would be a good start.

I've opted for Bumfism,

Followers of Bumfism shall be known as Bumfists. 

 ( ... wait does that sound right?)


Ah CRAP!

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Not actual size

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• Looking at,

• Drawing a line in the sand when asking for volunteers for a suicide mission,

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• Scraping slugs out of your electrical junction box when the power goes off at 6AM in the morning.

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Not suitable for children or pregnant/nursing women.

This device is NOT fire proof or flame retardant. 

Solving The Worlds Problems: #3 Relativity.

The Theory of relativity is NOT one of the worlds greatest problems, I know, but it is one that ADDMAN asked me solve for him and the kind of guy who doesn't want anyone to be bottom of the class and look stupid if it ever came up in a pub quiz.

So with that in mind lets sort science out once and for all.

Einstein, That guy who was famous for sticking his tongue out in photos, was not just a crazy clown, but he also helped to invent the nuclear bomb with his equations.

He also made some statements about how space works which was an answer to a question nobody had ever thought of and that makes him wither really clever or a time waster.

One day, whilst letting his tongue hang out of his mouth for no reason, Albert decided to come up with a theory as to why he was always lumbered with sitting next to sweaty weirdo's on the train.

Every night he would leave the lab and head off home on the last train and although the carriage was empty, the first stop always allowed enough time for Jeff the local drunk to get on and start talking to anyone who would listen about how he "Should sober up but refuses because getting shakes reminds him of how unfair his life has been".

Albert knew there had to be a reason for this unfortunate state of affairs and got his note pad out one day and began to write.

After a few nights of scribbles, Albert decided to give up trying to solve the worlds problems and came up with something that appears to be very scientific and clever but ultimately makes no sense.

Here's what he said.

Space is like some kind of rubber sheet with a bowling ball in the middle. Everything is stretched and not a straight line. So if you roll a penny down the sheet, it will pass the bowling ball and fly off in another direction.... therefore you can't travel faster than the speed of light."

He showed it to all the other scientists at the works bash (it was dress down Friday and Dorothy's birthday) and everybody said "Well done Albert. You are the bestest".

He was wrong though.

Part of his theory was that space and time are the same thing. This is rubbish.

Space is the distance between your house and the pizza shop. Time is how long it takes to get delivered (plus or minus a free garlic bread).

Special relativity states thus: 

"

1. The laws of physics are the same for all observers in uniform motion relative to one another (principle of relativity).
2. The speed of light in a vacuum is the same for all observers, regardless of their relative motion or of the motion of the light source."

This is nonsense,

The laws of physics can not be the same for all observers. Things in the distance appear to move slower than things up close.

This called the Doppler effect. A sound changes pitch as it moves toward or away from you, but in the police car, the sound is constant.

This is also the same for viewing the car.

From a distance a moving vehicle seems to be moving slower until it gets closer. As it does, it appears to move faster until it reaches you and then WHOOSH! it is out of you eye line unless you move your head to follow its path. 

The second point become mute when we introduce Rainbows into Einstein's universe.

Rainbows split the light into its various wavelengths. Particles of light at one end of the spectrum travel at differing lengths than those at the other end (this is how we see colours). 

This MUST mean that the individual particles of light (Light has mass and therefore is a physical thing) are moving further at one end of the spectrum than other.

Because they all reach their destination at the same time we must conclude that some light (colours) travel faster than others.

Therefore, at the very least, Light travels faster than light in some circumstances.

BOOM! SCIENCE Y'ALL!

But nobody ever thought to sit down and work this out.

The thing is, space is nothing like a rubber sheet.

For a start Rubber sheets are flat and space goes off in all directions. 

Plus things... almost ALL THINGS are not bowling balls (with the exception of bowling balls) and the rest is just gibberish.

We have already shown on this blog how it is possible to travel faster than the speed of light and that's just a solid gold fact.

But Einstein is everywhere and everyone things HE is awesome. Just because he had scruffy hair and stuck his tongue out a lot..... a bit like those oddballs who end up sitting next to me on the train.

The guy he hated seeing on the train was probably just his reflection.



I hope that makes a bit of sense to you all.

If you have a burning question you would like answered. Feel free to ask in the comment section below and I will do my best to figure something out.

Solving The Worlds Problems: #2 Chicken and Egg

Here we go.

Part two in an ongoing series where by, together, we solve the worlds most radical problems.

Before we do though, it is important to note that since the first episode it has come to light that certain scientific minds have been stealing my ideas and passing them off as their own. 

The latest theft involved a post I made three years ago when I decided to share my ideas about how to travel faster than the speed on light.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified... Then I realised I wasn't Gloria Gaynor and so I made a half hearted threat that got me nowhere.

But I shall not be deterred from helping others less intelligent than myself and dragging the lot of you out from the darkness of ignorance and allow you wash yourselves in the light of ...um... enlightenment.

So without further a-do, let's get cracking.... (hahahahaha - cracking... eggs- cracking? no? sod y'then)

The question we all need an answer to is one that has stumped the great thinkers of our age and every other age before us.

Which came first: The Chicken or the Egg?

The answer requires us to confirm a few constants.

A: Evolution is a thing. regardless of any religious beliefs, things turn into other things over time.
This is a solid gold fact and should not be ignored.

B: For the sake of typing it over and over again, when eggs are mentioned we are talking specifically about chicken eggs).

C: Left overs from KFC and my dog do not make for pleasant smells. (this not directly required knowledge but KFC do chickens so there's that..)

D: We are going to be talking percentages...... a fair bit.

Now to business.

Millions of years ago there were no chickens (or eggs) and today are more than 500 chickens around the world.

How did that happen?

Sex. That's what.

Chickens had sex with other chickens. The result of this copulation was an egg.

The egg hatched and out popped another chicken.

A bit like those Russian Dolls.

But if we allow our imaginations to travel back all those millennia ago we would find the chicken ancestors bonking around without a care in the world.

Todays chicken is 100% chicken. It's DNA is 100% of we know it to be. 

In the dark and distant past, when chickens were less evolved as they are now their percentage rate would have been less....

The ancient chickens (if we go back far enough) would have been 1% chicken and 99% (probably) dinosaur or something.

When a chicken makes an egg (fertilised, not just one of those unfertilised ones which are just the equivalent of chicken periods) it is a 50-50 split of the genetic material of the daddy egg and the mummy egg.

The chicken that was born of the 1% chicken was encased in an egg made from the DNA of the mummy chicken. The 2% chicken that lay inside was warm and safe surrounded by the shell of it's mother.

the 2% chicken met another 2% chicken (or similar) and after a few drinks they did the dirty deed and what came next from the egg the 2% Mummy Chicken was a 3% chicken. 

This is due to the combination of the mummy chicken and the daddy chicken.

Another way to look at this is look at your own parents. You are part your mum and part your dad. Therefore you are a combination of their DNA.

Back to the chickens.

We have confirmed that chickens used to share 1% of their DNA with their modern counterparts and today are known as 100% chicken!

We have reached, on the evolutionary scale the 3 percenters. 

Let us skip to the end (because even I'm bored already!!0 and get to the conclusion.

Chickens lay eggs. What comes out of those eggs is the next step of evolution.

Therefore the answer to the question, which came first the chicken or the egg, is....... Chicken.



Q&A.

Why didn't the egg come first? Chicken come from eggs. So there had to be eggs first, surely?

No your wrong. Go back and read it all again.


You're an idiot.

That's not a question... What am I supposed to do with that info?!?!?

Eggs are Chicken periods?

Yup.

Why doesn't this post make any real sense?

It's probably because my nephews are visiting whilst I write this and are trying to show me a video about pooing. 


So, are you saying that as chickens evolved, their eggs were always one step behind because they are made only by the female chicken and not the male, thus resulting in the internal DNA mixture of the new born being one step closer to the modern day chicken. Is it? IS IT???

Yea.... kind of.

Have you got a link for that video?

Yes (your freak) here it is.... Teaching Kids to poop!


next week: Theory of relativity. 

£1,000,000

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/10118970/David-Cameron-offers-1-million-to-solve-worlds-biggest-problem-whatever-it-is.html

The link above is taken from the Telegraph website.

In essence it says that Mr David Cameron, the Prime Minister of the UK is offering £1,000,000 to the person who can answer the worlds biggest problem.

The only problem with this is, nobody has worked out the question.

It seems that politicians have too much time on their hands.

Luckily, so do I.

In the past I have saved everyone else in the world the trouble of having to solve the big issues of the day by writing this blog.

That is why I suggest that DC gives me the Million so that I can keep myself stocked up with CUSTARD CREAMS, buy myself a new microphone and webcam, go on holiday and then write up a list of everything that is wrong with the world and how to solve all those silly problems like war and famine and mobile signals and alien invasions and what to do with odd socks.

The rest of the money can be spent of advertising and employing somebody to peel my grapes and give me foot rub.

£1,000,000 is not a lot to ask for, especially when it's already being offered up as a prize.

Why waste it on solving one problem when I can solve ALL the problems of the world and do it on a weekly basis with poorly made videos and/or the occasional socially unacceptable song thrown in for free?

It really is a no brainer.

So Mr Cameron, This post has been tweeted to your own twitter account and posted here for all the world to see.

I await your response and a cheque at your next convenience.