Licence To Beg and Steal

All Hallows Eve is just around the corner.

Yea...why not?

Which means so are the pock marked, ASBO destined glue sniffing grey skinned foul breathed sticky fingered evil eyed shadow lurching granny thumping cat stealing self harming window smashing shop lifting spitting sweary uneducated unloved un-evolved little rat bastards that will one single solitary night to have free licence to barrage on peaceful neighbourhoods and demand protection money from the old the frail and the infirm.

This so-called holiday that has invaded the UK from the USA has somehow been seen as a free ticket to urban terrorism by yoofs.

In America, as far as I can tell, Halloween is a chance for kids to dress up in pirate costumes or ghost outfits or any as one of the many Disney characters whilst chaperoned by a responsible adult and collect candy and sweets from those houses in the area that are brightly light with pumpkins and fake cobwebs and the like, and can clearly be seen to be well into the swing of joining in the fun.

By contrast in the UK a bunch – correction – a gang of lawless thugs punch every door of their OWN estate and demand money whilst dressed in hooded tops and Nike trainers they looted the other month.

"givusyerfugginmoney!!!"

Regardless of whether or not the house is decorated for the occasion, this will not stop the demands for all and any cash or light weight household goods that can be used for barter.

In past years some have thought to turn off all the lights and keep the volume down on the TV so the vicious little rabid animals would walk on by. But this dear friends only encourages the nasty soulless bastards to piss through the letter box or set fire to your door.

The warning signs will start any night now, with the annual fireworks being thrown at cats and fire engines which has become something of a tradition in the UK although it does not get same amount of publicity as the changing of the guard for some reason.

"yoyoyo. trick, or like, treat or what eva y'getme!"

Kids and depressingly, as seen in every local newspaper last year, more and more adults are arrested and/or taken to hospital with burns to their faces because they have less understanding of the dangers of fire and heat and a loud bang than a pigeon.

I have to ask myself why there is such a huge difference between two nations that speak the same language and share the majority of the same public holidays.

How an it be that in the USA Halloween is seen as a great night out for kids and adults alike. The joy of dressing up and being out at night, while grownups can share in the delight of kids by innocently offering little bars of chocolate without fear of being hounded a sexual predator?

Flip back to the UK and the exact opposite happens.

This is what happens when you give kids too much sugar

Anarchy rules. If you are brave enough to venture out to cease the insistent walloping of your door with the vain hope that you would be able to reason with them, you will be faced by a barrage of abuse and named every sinful act under gods blue sky before being dragged from your home and beaten to within an inch of your life, fading in and out of conciseness, waking in hospital with only the whispered memories of your TV DVD player and wife being taken from your home. Never to be seen again.

Once released from hospital you return to your home to find nothing but a brunt out shell of timer and rubble only the very same bunch of kids to walk up to you and say.... “Penny for the guy!”

Roll on bonfire night.

Happy  holidays – and good luck to you all.

Could be a firework... or it could be your car.

998 Words To Bring Both Me And You Upto Speed.

I’ve not really had the chance to blog anything this past week due to Mrs Hogart staying in the caravan for a week to help with the celebrations of our sites 4^th birthday.

But she’s gone back home now and my 7 day conjugal visit is over.

Normality can resume.

In the week I’ve been away the world seems to have gone tits up.

Mass murders in Norway, phone hacking scandals, pop star deaths and America runs out of money.

Let’s sort it out...

Phone hacking:

"I hope this doesn't appear on bumferry.blogspot.com"

I think this story broke first. I can’t be bothered to check. Facts only get in the way of a good rant.

Rupert Murdock, who used to be in the A-Team, was asked some questions by a bunch of politicians about what he knew in respect of his staff listening in to mobile phone messages of other people and ended up having a pie thrown in his face by a sweaty fat bloke called Jonnie Marbles.

Mr Marbles is supposed to be some kind of comedian and used the event to highlight his own tiny career. I don’t think it worked very well.

..All of them hateful retorts.

The news reporters at the time all jumped to the defence of Murdock saying that it was a terrible thing to do to an old man. And the public were banned from the rest of the hearings.

Murdoch was given a reprieve in the eyes of the media and the whole thing was a bit of a shambles.

Thus showing that there is a time and place for democracy and this wasn’t it – according to those in charge.

The Death of Amy Whinehouse:

"i wanna be just like you when I'm 97"

Whinehouse sang a couple of songs and took an awful lot of drugs. She also had a lot of tattoos and married a druggie and took some more drugs and then died.

When news broke about her death, the general public was seen to be crying and laying flowers with little cards saying how much they loved her and how the world will not be the same etc etc.

I am utterly amazed at how people over react to the death of someone they saw once on TV. When a face that is slightly familiar will no longer be on the same planet people turn to mush and the crocodile tears fall as if they’ve just been told their winning lottery ticket is two days out of date. The sorrow, fear and anguish is just too much for me to bear.

Amy Whinehouse didn’t give a toss about anyone but herself. If you didn’t have a new needle in your hand she wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. She was so far of the mark of being any kind of good role model you couldn’t make it up.

Once again the general public shows itself up to be a complete fucking idiot willing to jump on any bandwagon that rolls through town.

She is dead. Get over it. And her songs were shit.

Norway.

Having been to Oslo on what can only be described as – a shit holiday – I’m not surprised that somebody went totally nuts and decided to have a day of rampaging and murder. Nothing has happened in Norway for a thousand years.

Not since a man’s hat blew off in a strong gust of wind has there been anything newsworthy of any kind. Unless we include that dwarf bouncing a ball off his crutches, but I’ve talked enough about that previously.

1980's Baddie of the week?

The press jumped on the terrorist bandwagon before any facts came to light and started blaming Muslims before quickly retracting all of their experts and “facts” when it became clear that it wasn’t a religious extremist but was in fact a ... erm... religious extremist.

This Anders Behring Breivik bloke is not being called a terrorist or religious fanatic. I find this to be quite strange. There should be no difference between this idiot and the other idiots apart from the colour of his skin and the god he prays to.

When the man has claimed the death of nearly one hundred innocent people in the name of his god, and with the sole purpose of having the opportunity to highlight his own views on religion – that is by definition a religious nutter.

Am I wrong?

All in all the guy is well out of order and looks like a fruit cake.

Norway has a policy of open court meaning that everyone can have their say in a free and open democracy – can you see where I might be going with this one??

USA money trouble:

"i wish Bumferry Hogart would write something soon.."

This piece of scary news passed me by and I only found out by accident. The story goes that America, like much of the world’s governments, has been spending more money than it collects and things have got so bad that economists had calculated that by the 2^nd of august there would be no money left AT ALL!

That is a crazy concept to get your head around.

So the politicians in the US are banging their heads together and arguing over who has the bigger rifle or fattest kid or something in a piss weak attempt to sort out the mess.

As of writing this The democrats(Obama) and republicans (the red necks and Hicks) are “close to agreeing” on suitable reforms, however if they don’t then the United states of America will run out of money and won't be able to pay way.

Fight you B@stards!

This dire event will spread across to us here in the UK and across the world causing massive drops in financial markets and resulting in a Mad Max style world where Tine Turner runs a gladiator style barter town.

We narrowly missed that outcome once. To miss it again would be a miracle. This sort of thing must never be allowed to happen.

America is a democracy.

And so my poorly researched rant about how free will is the ultimate threat to mankind reaches its zenith.

Good luck everyone.

a different view to the NOTW fiasco...

Any public anger that is not started by the daily mail but still manages to cause up a fuss large enough to make normal people angry over something they don’t understand and would be hard pressed to recall any of the actual facts that have been reported gets my vote!

Of course this is all about the News Of The World who have been accused of dirty underhanded tactics of the most dastardly acts in the world of reporting.
Phone hacking as it is known seems to involve a newspaper hiring a private detective (yes they actually exist!) to snoop around.

The private dick get his hands dirty looking for juicy gossip and passes it on the reporter for some cold hard cash.

It’s all very noir in its own way. It’s also quite seedy and as the facts of the NOTW case are creeping out – rather horrible as well.

A few weeks ago newspaper were full of how the NOTW had been suspected of (god knows
how...) listening in to celebrities phone messages and as a collective we all said “tut tut, it’s a shame....” some of the more mentally unstable would have said “It’s big brother gone mad...” and so on and so forth. But underneath it all this bit of water cooler gossip was the closest any of us really wants to get to matter concerning freedom of speech and personal privacy.

It didn’t really matter to us because the people being “hacked” were famous people and we ALL know that famous people actually love having their deepest darkest secrets and private conversations splashed all over the front pages of every red top paper on a slow news day.

But then on Tuesday, something happened.

Things got a little bit nasty.

It seemed that somebody connected to the NOTW had been listening to the voice messages of a young girl who had been murdered.

Not only that but as reports became more involved it appeared that not only had they been listening to these messages, but they had been deleting them to allow more
messages to come through.

This gave the police the idea that the young girl in question may still be alive and gave her distraught parents hope of seeing their little girl again.
It’s horrible. Nobody in their right mind would suggest otherwise. But let’s take a step back and look at this story from another angle...

That’s it. Just a bit more.

Okay.



Let us all think back to around two months ago when the whole world – mainly twitter though – was up in arms about freedom of speech and how disgraceful it was that a highly paid sports star could hide his shame of cheating on his wife by splashing his cash in the courts...

Flip back to now and the story is almost opposite – people are again up in arms but this time about the fact reporters have found news stories....

Yes, I agree what they did was wrong, immoral, and without excuse.

But it is these people who are paid by the money you spend on gossip mags and shitty newspapers, who are employed to go out and find a story for the next edition to sooth the public’s ever increasing thirst for gossip and shocking stories.

It is an unfortunate side of journalism. I for one think it is wrong, but I have to laugh at the way the news on TV reports this story as one of horror when they were demanding the right to be able to tell the story of Ryan Giggs etc...

As for the public – they are the most fickle and outrageous group of hypocrites.
All I can see on twitter and the like are people both famous and not, thumping their keyboards to oblivion over the anger and shock of these allegations, while not 2 months ago these very same people broke the law themselves by naming Ryan Giggs while an injunction was taken out banning him from being named in any wrong doing.

As a side note – I have been asked five times to order the NOTW for tomorrow. Normally only get one request.

What does that tell you about the great British public eh?

(Idiots.)

899 words about - the "ROOT" of all evil

The dentist.

It is recommended that you visit the dentist at least once every six months. This seemingly sound advice is given by your local dentist.

It is quite common, in the UK at least, to find it very difficult to arrange an appointment to see your dentist or to make a suitable appointment.
There is a very good reason for this....

Using the Bumferry Hogart patent pending Paranoia scale of outrage and cross referencing the results with the all new and improved youcouldntmakeitup-o-matic it is quite clear that the dentist, or rather YOUR dentist is on the fiddle.
Many years ago I was told that one of my teeth needed to be extracted as it was in a bad way or ill or something.

I thought to myself “no flipping way!” that is what I thought. “If it’s coming out I’m doing it... anyway it doesn’t even hurt!”

And so, I never went back. I calculated that if my tooth did actually need to be pulled then it would be best to wait until it did hurt quite badly and then just nudge it with my tongue until the little bugger fell out, like baby teeth do.
Days turned into months and months into years and to this day I do have a single filling. All my teeth are still there – just not in the right order – and I am in no pain inside my mouth and gums what so ever.



My dentist on the other hand only managed to go on three holidays that year instead of the mandatory four minimum.

This is the reason it’s so hard to get an appointment at the mouth doctors.
They are never bloody there.

You could be sat at home unable to enjoy the bowl of salty peanuts or thick chewy toffee your other half has treated you too all because of a sharp pain at the back of your mouth. You decide that enough is enough and phone to make an appointment.
The receptionist (who has been brought in at short notice and doesn’t know how the computer works) is abrupt and surly with you on the phone. Which is not what anyone needs when they are in pain.

She makes no effort to sympathise with your ordeal and instead utters the words “what do you mean?” and “whaaaa...?” for what seems like an age.

Of course the sounds coming out of you now inflamed pie hole are nothing but the murmurs of a deranged ferret because when you try to say “can I make an appointment to see my dentist as soon as possible because I am in a huge amount of paid and need his expert advice.” What you actually say sounds a lot like “aaaaa uuurgh ferfugsake aaaaam iinnn aaaa-ooonay. Aaah neee doooo eeee da den dis baaaooow!”

After what seems like an eternity, the receptionist takes what little detail she (or he, don’t want to seem sexist and patronising now ladies eh?) can about how you NEED to see the dentist tomorrow, she (or he) informs that you that he is fully booked for the next three weeks.

Bother!

This is a lie.

Your dentist is in fact on a beach somewhere sipping cocktails and enjoying the samba beat through the distant sound of calm waves lapping at the shore.
You are banging your head against the wall in a vain attempt to sully the agonising daggers that are forever searing the flesh of your gums and jaw.

The holiday that your dentist is on was paid by the four root canals and 13 extractions he (or she – calm down) performed in the last fiscal quarter, thus allowing himself to bugger off with his normal receptionist (could be a he and/or a she in both cases... it is the 21st century y’know) and have a whale of a time at, what is quite literally, YOUR EXPENCE.

There is no proof of this and would be denied by any member of the dentistry profession but I bet, if you were to ask your dentist if he is going on holiday soon and say it with a nodding wink and a nudge – just before he has a look in your mouth next time you go for your regular check up - I bet he will give you the all clear and send you on your way through guilt.

This could have a down side...

Vaguely accusing your dentist of swindling his clients out of money on a regular basis just so he can swan off to warmer climates and have it off with the floozy on the phones may just result in you having to be put to sleep for a “very important and intrusive operation that needs to be performed right away without any delay or struggling from you, so if you would just breathe deeply Mr. Hogart.... there’s a good chap...”

Next thing I know I’m found in a skip round the back of the shops minus my pants, two whole days and two molars. In my top pocket were copies of photos of me I don’t remember posing for, especially as I don’t own any lipstick and I am allergic to cats.

If ever you needed a clearer message to understanding why it is so important to brush your teeth, then my experience won’t just have been a horrible sexual intrusion.

Carry on – carefully.