I am absolutely sick to the back bastard teeth of people moaning on and on and on.
Why can’t people just enjoy themselves for five little tiny minutes without trying to grab hold of my enthusiasm for life by the balls and drag down in the self pitying hovel of despair and self loathing that’s is their life.
Today, this very day, I saw a man and said “it's another lovely day today.” Not because I’m a badly written character in some kind Dickensian novelette but real human being who has found reason to smile on a nice sunny day.
And what was the reply I received for being so gracious with my well mannered idle comment on our shared current weather conditions?
It was this...
“Hmm... it’s very cold in the shade though.”
But then again that’s how the English are. It’s what we are known for. Being a
bunch of grumblefucks.
I guarantee that by the time September comes and for one day it’s a little bit overcast a bunch of miserable pensioners will be trotting around saying things like “it's been rubbish weather all year” or “I can’t remember the last time it was sunny” and I will cry.
So make a note in your diary folks because when one of these doomsayers corners you on the street you can hold your head up high and say with all confidence that “it's been a lovely year overall, quite sunny and nice and very warm thank you very much, now isn’t there a hole you are supposed to be crawling into you depressing piece of vermin.” Or words to that effect.
I’ll leave the exact wording up to your good selves.
The French are known to us as surrender monkeys, the Italians as philandering sex pests, the Germans as humourless goose-stepping 1980’s throwbacks and the rest of the world is bloody mystery. But lets us remember that not all foreigners are like that some can be quite nice people. However the brits..... Well, we are just a bunch of miserable bastards through and through.
So I say, here and now, let’s stop the tyranny of doom, lets us all stand up for funny. Be an ambassador for smiles and tickles. BE HAPPY while it lasts.
Failing that – just cheer up a bloody bit you sad buggers.
Of course I will still stand for all that is down and worth grumbling about because, after all, I am not a real person.
That is all for now. Carry on.
I said carry on.