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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Sunday, 19 June 2011

998 words - back by popular demand

The greatest thing since sliced bread.

That’s a phrase as old as sliced bread is... I’d imagine, and I feel that it’s had it’s time now.

Most of us are now living quite comfortably in the 21st century and have been doing so for at least 10 maybe even 11 years for some.

I don’t know anybody who regularly buys an unsliced loaf.

Occasionally you may buy a crusty loaf for when it’s a nice hot day and you a want a picnic, but crusty bread isn’t your everyday bread.
We simply don’t have enough time in the day to cut our own bread. We have too many time saving devices to turn on or turn off or just find the bloody thing to worry about stabbing bread to bits.

We want it pre cut to specific widths and that is what we get.

Thin sliced, thick cut or doorstoppers! They’re all available and more.

Pop into your local bakers and you can buy an unsliced loaf that they will cut to any desired distance you wish.

But bread, be it sliced or not, is not really the subject I wish to waffle on about today.

Instead I wish to offer you something.

A free gift if you will.

It during the small hours of the evening that a thought pooped into my head and it went a little something like this –

“Is there something BETTER than sliced bread?”

Which lead to me ponder whether or not the turn of phrase we use today and have done so for countless years, is out of date and stale, if you will excuse the pun..
I ran with this train of thought for a while and summarised that rather than use the old, worn out gag of what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread, we should look to the future via the medium of imagination and see what the 21st century can add to that little phrase.

After cafeful deliberation and chin stroking i came to this conclusion -

My suggestion is to replace “sliced bread” with the following.... “That’s the best thing since cut and paste.”

I think it adds a certain modern edge to the saying.

It adds a sparkle and jus de Orange where it is most needed.


It grows on you.

Say it out loud yourself.

Take your time and ingest each word.

Let it soak into the back of your throat and infest your mind.

Allow the subtlety of its nuances to carry you on a journey of new horizons.

Next time you are talking at conversation with somebody try and slip it into conversation without making a fuss of it. Allow it to hang there in the listener’s subconscious as a woodpecker might lay its eggs in another birds nest.
Free your friends and family of the burned and shame of having to drag the same old rubbish colloquialisms and turn of phrases by offering them a new one.

Perfect for father’s day

Ideal for mothering Sunday and/or Easter.

The kids will just adore you at Christmas with this genuine gift that really does keep on giving.

And what’s more – I’m giving it away absolutely FREE.


I don’t want you send me a cheque or postal order for the sum £7.55 (inc. VAT)

I don’t even want to know your bank details.

That’s how great I am.

All I ask is that each time you say “the best thing since cut and paste” you think of old Bumferry sat in his caravan.
Slightly lesser off than you.

With no tele.

I’m not asking for charity no sir-ee.

I do not want you to feel that YOU HAVE TO SEND ME MONEY!

That is the last thing I want you think of me – sat here on a very uncomfortable cushion, with only a poorly dog for company.
He’s okay.... not dying or anything, which is good ‘cos the vets’ bills are SO expensive these days.

No no no. I don’t want any money off anyone.

Please – feel free to use the phrase that I INVENTED free of charge without any back lash from me or my legal team.

It’s fine.

Honestly. Go ahead. Carry on as you were.

Ungrateful sods.....


If you were so inclined as to offer me anything I would ask only this. Send your people my way.
Tell them where you got such a crazy yet funky proverb. Don’t be shy.
You could say something like “...oh that thing? I read it somewhere...um...oh Bumferry did it. That guy is amazing. With his giant chicken and everything.” You could say that. Or something similar.
I’m so lonely.


Back to the point in hand.

This phrase that I have invented and is nowhere else on the internet – so don’t bother looking for it anywhere – is now yours (although it is still mine and I can take it back at any time I choose).

And so it after allowing you good people into the small and very exclusive club I now ask of each of you to be upstanding and repeat the following:
“I here by lay claim to uphold the following phrase without objection from anybody else here present and do solemnly swear to safeguard its meaning and ensure that it is not mistreated any in way for fear of receiving one of Bumferry Hogarts patented Chinese-burns. So help me .”

Please cut and paste the above promise and post as comment. This will sanctify your legal right to use the phrase everywhere and anywhere.

By the time this goes to print I have already received at least one celebrity endorsement:

“If I had to sum it up I would have to say that the phrase “the best thing since cut and paste” is the best thing since ... well – sliced bread.” – TVs Pat Sharp off of Pat Sharps Fun House.

Thank-you and carry on.

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