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Monday, 18 July 2011

A Review Of Harry Potter In 998 Magical Wordings

Harry Potter and the Deathly Harrows Part Two.

Mrs Hogart dragged to me to see Harry Potter at the weekend as she is a massive geek and I am also a massive geek but have very little interest in the doings of JK Rowling.

I knew months in advance that I would be subject to sitting through this film as I had promised to go with her and so set myself the task of watching the first SIX bloody films so I would have an inkling of what was going on.

To be honest the films aren’t all that bad. When taking into account they’re about a young orphan who has special powers and a destiny to save the world blah blah blah... I have always found it quite astonishing that the books were loved by so many adults.

As far as I can tell there is nothing new or enlightening about the story. It’s one that has been told in one guise or another countless times.

It nothing short of a paperback cliché encyclopaedia.

Orphan boy – check

Daft friend for comic effect – check

Over confident girl – check

Misguided baddy/ bully – check

Destiny to fulfil – check

Comedy animal/mythical creatures – check.

Ad nausea.

But the films, for what they are, are not as bad as I thought they would be.
However – and there is always an however...

The final film in this massive over-popular franchise is in my eyes nothing short of a Freudian nightmare!

The synopsis for the film is as follows...

There is a bad guy lurking about outside the school waving his ’wand’ about.
He doesn’t have a face, a bit like those posters about stranger danger!
He also has a massive ‘snake’ which he talks too and threatens the kids with it.
Harry potter, his mate Ron and his girlfriend, who looks like a boy, go off on another one their adventures to sort this bad guy out once and for all.

There’s a lot of harry climbing up stuff for some reason – chairs at one point and in another bit he has to climb up a load of cups and plates – which I didn’t understand at all, but climbing up stuff is a cheap metaphor for the uphill struggle for justice I presume. Anyway harry climbs up stuff and the camera follows him which means that all these girls in the cinema who have grown up with the books and the films get to see Daniel Radcliffe’s bottom.

There are also two separate instances where the three adventurers get wet. Be it falling into water or having water fall on top of them, giving the audience a chance to see Daniel get his top off – so that you can see hairy chests and that – all very perverse and uncalled for especially when you take into account that most of the girls in the audience were only ten years old when they first read the books and as i looked around the cinema i genuinely saw the girl sat next to me open mouthed, staring like a hungry wolf at his torso, and secondly the boyish girl didn’t get her kit off at any point in the whole bloody film at all!

If anything, she put more clothes on as the film went on.
Anyway, there’s a load of talking and looking troubled and then there’s a big fight where the big baddy who has no face but does have a big snake whips his wand out and fires a load of “magic” at Harry and Harry does the same with his.

Bish bash bosh the baddy is dead and Harry is the hero.

Turns out the baddy was holding Harry’s wand the whole time”. Im paraphrasing of course but that is the real reason this evil doer was beaten. He was using the wrong stick.

Didn’t stop him killing a load of other people and kicking shit out of all Harrys mates though. Strange.
The film ends with destiny being served and we flash forward 19 years into the future where nobody looks older but they do wear false beards to show that they are older and everyone has kids of their own and are going to professor Xavier’s school for the gifted or whatever the bloody thing is called thus bringing the whole story round for another round of shitty generic adventures to start all over again.
In a nut shell this film is yet another example of paedophilic propaganda what with the “wands” “snakes” and boyish looking girls who keep their clothes on. Plus the fact that at end we see all the kids grown up but push out a new generation of innocent kiddies to be subjected to the horrors of a private education – and we all know what goes on in the halls of Private schools don’t we!

It’s a daily mail reader’s worst nightmare!

There are many other plot holes and daft stuff that goes on in this film but what did I expect?

There is also that really annoying thing where the director thinks it would a real good way to flesh a film out by having 18 dream sequences and flashbacks to fill in the gaps of a poorly written story.

I am not a Harry Potter fan.

I would like to point out though, that the special effects on the film were quite good. Some of the best I have seen in a movie for quite some time. Granted I didn’t see the film in 3D because there was absolutely no need to see the film in 3D but the effects were quite good and was one of the three reasons i didn’t simply walk out. The other two reasons were just in case that lass did get her kit off and more so – Mrs Hogart would have kicked the living crap out of me if I had dared to move. for that reason i give Harry Potter and the deathly Harrows – 6 out of 10.

1 comment:

  1. I genuinely believe that you deserve some kind of medal/reward for managing to sit through all of those movies. Even the thought of watching ten minutes of a Harry Potter film leaves me feeling suicidal. Well done!


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