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Saturday, 1 January 2011

Hello and welcome to the future.
Did you get what you wanted for Christmas?
No?
Neither did I. I got a cold from Mrs. Hogart. – Thanks a bloody bunch.
Next year I’m going to get her gout.
Anyway enough of that nonsense let look forward to the next twelve months of fun and games. What will happen in 2011?
Which moronic celebrity will end up in rehab or jail?
What will thingy call her baby?
How many famous people will adopt a baby?
All these questions may or may not be answered by trash mags like Heat and Look Here or Gorp. But only on this blog will I completely forget to keep up to date with the above and the following predictions for the coming year.
And so another year is upon us and what should we expect from it.
These are my top 11 predictions for 2011

• At least two reports from the daily mail stating that potatoes give you cancer.
• Followed three weeks after with a special full age analysis of how potatoes can cure baldness.
• 3 members of parliament resigning over some comment made by some other MP about potatoes and the detrimental effect they have on outraged ethnic minority groups, but then the minority groups say that they have nothing against potatoes. In fact we haven’t thought about potatoes since we had chips for tea the other night...
• The Jeremy Kyle show doing a live “Deena” test but the show is cancelled half way through when Jezza himself breaks down into a heap sobbing “why do I do this to myself?..” over and over into his microphone.
• More fat kids, despite the best efforts of Jamie Oliver.
• More Jamie Oliver despite the best efforts of everyone else.
• The word Dave to become the new hip word used on the streets as a way of belittling others – as in “you Daved it man. That is soo Dave... what a Dave.”
• Joobs-Hotfa to remain wholly anonymous
• David Cameron to release his new strategy for clearing the national debt by ordering the police to search every home in the UK looking for loose change. Then collecting it all together to buy a “shit load of scratch cards” because one his mates had this mate whose brother bought 500 of them once and won loads.”
• At least two famous people will be born.
• Everyone to forget about Christmas next year until December the 24th and in a mad panic rush to the shops to find last minute gifts cause the largest stampede in human history resulting in 9 million deaths on the streets of London Cardiff and Manchester.

These may or may not happen and if any of them do, I am not to be held responsible in any way shape or form for the vast amount of newspaper space wasted on them...

Happy New Year bozos

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