How the 2012 Olympics and royal wedding will cause the ultimate breakdown of YOUR relationship

This is a very serious warning to you.

Hello you.

Yes. You.

You are going to die a sad and solitary broken loser.

More of that later - but first.....

........It’s almost time to dust off the union flag and wave it about like a monkey begging for nuts... forget the royal wedding - for now. . its ‘cos the ‘limpic games are almost here (solitary party popper – pops) and the fun is just about to start.
First we shall take a look at the all important games that are listed on the London2012 website.

For those who aren’t sure what the exact discipline involves I have put a handy translation of what each event involves and how you the great British yob have helped to shape our chances at gold.


ARCHERY – throwing sharp stuff

ATHLETICS – running away after throwing sharp stuff at the police.

BADMINTON – swatting flies from your heavily pregnant girlfriend who hasn’t shifted her fat arse off the sofa since that 24 hour Jeremy Kyle marathon started.

BASKETBALL - netball

BEACH VOLLEYBALL – throwing the ball back to next-door kids over and over again, honestly if they do it one more time I’m going put a knife threw it.

BOXING - what next doors kids step dad does when he finds out you popped his kid’s ball.

CANOE SALALOM - dicking about on the canal

CANOE SPRINT - dicking about on the canal when the lifeguard starts yelling at you

CYCLING BMX - get away vehicle for young ASBOs.

CYCLING MOUNTAIN BIKE - getaway vehicle for ASBOs in the peak district

CYCLING ROAD - getaway vehicle for ASBOs on YOUR Street

CYCLING TRACK - why do they keep riding up and down OUR Street? They don’t even live here?!?

DIVING - football without the ball

EQUESTRIAN DRESSAGE - best pantomime horse

EQUESTRIAN EVENTING - god knows what this involves but i bet its on after the watershed....

EQUESTRIAN JUMPING - scarring a pantomime horse

FENCING - stabbing a mofo for dissing yo be-ach

FOOTBALL - the game millionaires play quite badly at times, especially when it matters.
GYMNASTICS ARTISTIC- big fish

GYMNASTICS RHYTHMIC - little fish

GYMNASTICS TRAMPOLINE - cardboard box

HANDBALL - cheating at football?

HOCKEY - girls cricket

JUDO - pub fighting in pyjamas

MODERN PENTATHLON - erm....

ROWING - bit like canoeing

SAILING - environmentally sustainable wankfest

SHOOTING - wish I had a gun, that’d stop them bloody kids on bikes...

SWIMMING - very slow drowning

SYNCHRONISED SWIMMING - very slow drowning but together

TABLE TENNIS - what them kids on bikes should be doing if they hadn’t burnt that bloody youth club down... I blame the parents.

TAEKWONDO - like ronseal wood stain only cheaper

TENNIS - bigger flies round your missus’s fat gut cos now its Trisha re-runs and/or loose women.

TRIATHLON - three legged race

VOLLEYBALL - exactly the same as beach volley ball only you probably won’t bother watching the ladies version of this will you – pervert.
WATER POLO - pointless game made harder by having to swim still. Stupid.

WEIGHTLIFTING - who can knick the biggest HD ready TV from Comet

WRESTLING - beating up the security guard at Comet.

These are the main events in the latest Olympics next year. I think I will be busy doing something more productive than sat in front of a 50 inch 3D high definition surround sound mega quality goggle box, staring at people who are far superior in physical strength and mental readiness with goals and aspirations for greatness in their chosen field while the E numbers and colouring from the cheesy bites begin to stain my fingers like a 40 a day woodbine smoker.

I might read a classic novel or do a spot of gardening.

I Hope that makes some kind of recognisable sense to you oiks out there.
It’s in your hands now. The man in charge wants you to start to enjoy things like the Olympics and the royal wedding and Red nose bloody day and all that mind numbing gibberish by offering you bank holidays.

Bank holidays that are clubbed together so that you can't actually afford to do much on any given official holiday.

One bank holiday?
Lets go away for the weekend and rekindle that lost spark in our romance darling?

Two bank holiday in a month?
Lets go out with friends. they can come to ours for the first and we can go to their house the next. It'll be like doing our own version of come dine with me hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Three bank holidays with a four week period?
Sorry darling im going out the lads on the first one for an all day drinking binge, then the second and third im working overtime because i will have spent all the rent on the first weekend. So on the next government issue holiday i will just want to crash in front of the TV and watch rubbish all day.

Any more than this and it would most definatly cause the breakdown of even the hardiest of relationships.

Be very careful come May this year.

Do not forget some of work on every single bank holiday of the year. enjoy yours to the fullest but for the love of God don't fall into the trap Dave and Co. have set up.

The Olympic games are just over a year away.
Now is the time to prepare!

Dig out that old Monopoly set, arrange a BBQ a street party - give birth ANYTHING BUT THIS HORRIFIC OUTCOME NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo..........

Good Evening.