This is a very serious warning to you.
You are going to die a sad and solitary broken loser.
More of that later - but first.....
........It’s almost time to dust off the union flag and wave it about like a monkey begging for nuts... forget the royal wedding - for now. . its ‘cos the ‘limpic games are almost here (solitary party popper – pops) and the fun is just about to start.
First we shall take a look at the all important games that are listed on the London2012 website.
For those who aren’t sure what the exact discipline involves I have put a handy translation of what each event involves and how you the great British yob have helped to shape our chances at gold.
ARCHERY – throwing sharp stuff
ATHLETICS – running away after throwing sharp stuff at the police.
BADMINTON – swatting flies from your heavily pregnant girlfriend who hasn’t shifted her fat arse off the sofa since that 24 hour Jeremy Kyle marathon started.
BASKETBALL - netball
BEACH VOLLEYBALL – throwing the ball back to next-door kids over and over again, honestly if they do it one more time I’m going put a knife threw it.
BOXING - what next doors kids step dad does when he finds out you popped his kid’s ball.
CANOE SALALOM - dicking about on the canal
CANOE SPRINT - dicking about on the canal when the lifeguard starts yelling at you
CYCLING BMX - get away vehicle for young ASBOs.
CYCLING MOUNTAIN BIKE - getaway vehicle for ASBOs in the peak district
CYCLING ROAD - getaway vehicle for ASBOs on YOUR Street
CYCLING TRACK - why do they keep riding up and down OUR Street? They don’t even live here?!?
DIVING - football without the ball
EQUESTRIAN DRESSAGE - best pantomime horse
EQUESTRIAN EVENTING - god knows what this involves but i bet its on after the watershed....
EQUESTRIAN JUMPING - scarring a pantomime horse
FENCING - stabbing a mofo for dissing yo be-ach
FOOTBALL - the game millionaires play quite badly at times, especially when it matters.
GYMNASTICS ARTISTIC- big fish
GYMNASTICS RHYTHMIC - little fish
GYMNASTICS TRAMPOLINE - cardboard box
HANDBALL - cheating at football?
HOCKEY - girls cricket
JUDO - pub fighting in pyjamas
MODERN PENTATHLON - erm....
ROWING - bit like canoeing
SAILING - environmentally sustainable wankfest
SHOOTING - wish I had a gun, that’d stop them bloody kids on bikes...
SWIMMING - very slow drowning
SYNCHRONISED SWIMMING - very slow drowning but together
TABLE TENNIS - what them kids on bikes should be doing if they hadn’t burnt that bloody youth club down... I blame the parents.
TAEKWONDO - like ronseal wood stain only cheaper
TENNIS - bigger flies round your missus’s fat gut cos now its Trisha re-runs and/or loose women.
TRIATHLON - three legged race
VOLLEYBALL - exactly the same as beach volley ball only you probably won’t bother watching the ladies version of this will you – pervert.
WATER POLO - pointless game made harder by having to swim still. Stupid.
WEIGHTLIFTING - who can knick the biggest HD ready TV from Comet
WRESTLING - beating up the security guard at Comet.
These are the main events in the latest Olympics next year. I think I will be busy doing something more productive than sat in front of a 50 inch 3D high definition surround sound mega quality goggle box, staring at people who are far superior in physical strength and mental readiness with goals and aspirations for greatness in their chosen field while the E numbers and colouring from the cheesy bites begin to stain my fingers like a 40 a day woodbine smoker.
I might read a classic novel or do a spot of gardening.
I Hope that makes some kind of recognisable sense to you oiks out there.
It’s in your hands now. The man in charge wants you to start to enjoy things like the Olympics and the royal wedding and Red nose bloody day and all that mind numbing gibberish by offering you bank holidays.
Bank holidays that are clubbed together so that you can't actually afford to do much on any given official holiday.
One bank holiday?
Lets go away for the weekend and rekindle that lost spark in our romance darling?
Two bank holiday in a month?
Lets go out with friends. they can come to ours for the first and we can go to their house the next. It'll be like doing our own version of come dine with me hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Three bank holidays with a four week period?
Sorry darling im going out the lads on the first one for an all day drinking binge, then the second and third im working overtime because i will have spent all the rent on the first weekend. So on the next government issue holiday i will just want to crash in front of the TV and watch rubbish all day.
Any more than this and it would most definatly cause the breakdown of even the hardiest of relationships.
Be very careful come May this year.
Do not forget some of work on every single bank holiday of the year. enjoy yours to the fullest but for the love of God don't fall into the trap Dave and Co. have set up.
The Olympic games are just over a year away.
Now is the time to prepare!
Dig out that old Monopoly set, arrange a BBQ a street party - give birth ANYTHING BUT THIS HORRIFIC OUTCOME NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo..........