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Wednesday, 23 February 2011

How a large Pepperoni Pizza saved a womans life

So the Middle East and North Africa have finally gone nuts and are now killing themselves from within like a cancer ridden stray tom cat.

The catastrophic scenes being beamed back bravely by the TV news shows show us the viewer, a panorama of ancient building and dusty hills behind a middle aged man in a flak jacket while 25 miles away some men shout a bit and then get shot by the army. This all happens while we are forced to watch shitty grainy footage of god knows what from Allah knows where and it’s plastered across the TV screen like a 1970’s psychedelic nightmare vision of pacman puking up in a tumble dryer.

And that’s what really pisses me off about the news.

All that technology, all that money and they can’t get a good picture.

Jesus H Christmas, my phone has a better camera than what these chumps are using – and they’ve got boom mics and editing equipment.


And when I am watching these reporters reporting about whatever the hell is going on, they haven’t got the foggiest idea themselves.

It’s all “it seems there is a mass crowd 15 miles away from where I am.” Or “we are told that a cat is stuck up a tree”

They could do that from London or the North West tonight studios. There is absolutely no need whatsoever to fly all the way to terrorist-land to tell me that the loonies have taken over the asylum.

Unless they are prepared to go into the heart of the protests, like that American woman who then got gang raped while reporting to WCNBX or whoever, and then I’m going to stick my fingers in my ears until the weather report.

What about Madeline McCann? Have they found her yet?

How about telling me what moronic dribble Stephen hawking claims isn’t real?

The people of Britain deserve to know what’s really going on, like that woman in Memphis who didn’t die.

If you’re not familiar with this story, let me fill you in.

There is a woman in Memphis, Tennessee who, every day, would order a large pepperoni pizza from Domino’s. The girl who normally delivers the pizzas realised that this weirdo hadn’t ordered for around three days and so she goes round to check she ok.

Turns out, this greedy fat lass has fallen over and can’t get up and the Domino’s delivery girl is hailed a hero and credited with saving this woman’s life.
This is a true story. And just goes to show that Wednesday the23rd of 2011 was a very slow day for gritty drama...

Oh yes, there was that hoo-hah in Libya and a bit of a wobble in New Zealand when a tree fell down or something (I had my fingers in my ears so didn’t understand what was going on) but where were the human interest stories?

Page 8 of your daily scrum that’s where.

It’s no wonder then that the BBC news website shows the most shared news items for today include an actor off Doctor Who is dead, mobile phone affect the brain, and some god awful gibberish about Cornish pasties.

Good God, The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Island, what is wrong with you all?

Manifesto to appear in big bold writing tomorrow.

It’s your own fault.

1 comment:

  1. The Brigadier is dead? Did the Daleks finally get him then?


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