How things should be according to Bumferry Hogart
Good evening citizens of the UK and good morning to our colonial cousins across the world.
The following is an ill thought out and knee jerk reaction to the problems facing us all in today’s society presented in no particular order or reference.
As usual – enjoy if you can.
The national debt.
We start with the biggest concern facing us all today. And ironically it is the easiest to fix.
Put simply we take what is left of our nation credit score and use this to secure a massive re-mortgage on the British Isles.
This money is then used to buy out Ireland.
The government will charge a rent to the people of Ireland with expected yields of around 6-7% which isn’t bad in this market. (yes i have been watching Homes under the hammer on i-player)
Once the world economy has resolved itself we can then offer to sell Ireland back to itself or flog it the highest bidder (America loves all that Irish stuff – we will make a mint)
Once the deal is done we simply pay back the loan, or if we are clever, buy the bank outright and cancel the loan give ME a big pat on the back.
One – nil to Bumferry.
No job? No deal!
Unemployment will be halved overnight when half of the unemployed are given jobs finding jobs for the other half of the unemployed.
Once all the unemployed are working, those who were employed to find the unemployed employment would find themselves out of work again and will therefore be split into two groups. One group will be tasked with locating jobs for the jobless (who will be the other half)
This process will continue until there are just two people left out of work.
One of these people will be employed to shoot the other dead.
Two – Nil.
A Dwarf for all.
Each town in the UK would be allocated its own dwarf for the months of February through to October. Said dwarf would be employed by the local council to juggle, fall over and cause merriment through their chosen location on a daily basis.
This would encourage happiness to flow through the streets all year to the build up to the festive period.
The costs to councils would be minimal, as dwarfs are traditionally smaller than normal people and therefore do not require as much housing, food and their clothes can be bought from Mothercare therefore saving on the VAT.
The dwarves would be given a modest living allowance for the nine months they are employed as they will be making loads of money pantomime season anyway.
The national anthem to change every year.
The first NEW national anthem will be the theme from the Dam Busters (played on a thousand Kazoos!)
The following year it will be the theme music from Jim’ll fix it followed by Button moon.
Imagine 30,000 people singing button moon at the world cup! If that doesn’t spur “our boys” to kick a ball properly then there is little point going to the games in the first place.
Diving header ... Goal!!!!!
GCSE’s will be renamed G’s.
That way they sound cool to the yoofs.
“I can’t come out sniffing glue and nickin’ bins tonight Gaz, I’m studying.”
“studying? Is you a gays or sum fink? LOL”
“Nah, mate. I am studying for my G’s init.”
“Yes. G’s are cool and help you get a job and a better life.”
“Wow, I fink I will study them G’s too init? BRB”
The royal family stays. Full stop.
They must become more comical and entertaining. There will be meetings and service level agreements between Downing Street and Buckingham palace to ensure that enough is being done with the lesser royals to get them on panel shows and news reports whenever required by broadcasters who need a viewpoint or sound bite from “somebody who isn’t in touch.”
If we don’t use the royals in this way, we would have to rely on the arse-end of celebrity – footballers and their hags... or even worse one of them X-factor judges.
This is neither what Britain needs nor wants.
Speaking of which. The X-factor will go the way of big brother and just stop.
Each year, under the previous government, we saw a steady and steep decline in the levels of talent and individuality of the participants in these shows.
Therefore those who think they have a “talent” will be put to better use as target practice for the army, navy and air force.
Nothing better than a moving target.
GP’s to be issued with tazers. When a patient enters the room, the GP will ask them to describe their symptoms. If the GP thinks they are telling lies - ZZZZAAPPP! The GP will then repeat his request for the symptoms. Again ZZZAAAAPPPPP!!!!!!! If after the third request the patient gives the same response the GP will issue a sick note or pills or ring for an ambulance to take them to the burns unit.
Trails will begin in Rochdale and Stockport.
Nobody who is unemployed is allowed to be poorly. If found poorly the useless will be taken to a central prison (see law and order)
The NHS will be renamed Happy Tickle Factories where everyone, regardless of their ailment, will be tickled until they are feeling better. Because everyone feels better after a good tickle.
Anyone who does not get better after a good tickle will be sent to a tickle rehabilitation centre for a two day course, because they probably weren’t concentrating enough the first time round.
Anyone who is ill for more than 28 consecutive days will be shot.
LAW AND ORDER
The reintroduction of suicide to be punishable by death.
Law and order will be kept. Anyone causing a fuss or making a scene will be dealt with swiftly and if required (and it will) removed from society.
All prisoners will sleep on itchy bed sheets.
Prisoners will be classed into three groups
shoplifters, rubbish burglars, drunks, the sick and infirm.
Daves will be responsible for the day to day “housekeeping” of the prisons. Cleaning the loos, tidying up and cleaning the windows.
fraudsters, any politician or TV personality or sports person found guilty of GONK level crimes, drug dealers, will also include whatever the public have got the knickers in a twist about this week (apart from daily mail readers)
Scumbags will have the honour providing for the prison. They will harvest the food in the garden and power the turbines by turning a wheel. Taking it in turns to either dig up spuds or pump a generator.
murders, GBH, ABH etc.
Shitbags will be locked up for 21 hours a day in one big room. Using the theology of Mad Max beyond Thunderdome “2 men enter – 1 man leaves” all the shitbags will be chained to their beds until a klaxon sounds. At the end of the klaxon all the restraints will be released and then they fucking go for it. Smacking the holy bejesus out of each other until only one remains.
Upon which they will be released into the wilds of Africa to see how they cope with the lions and snakes and shit they have in the jungles...
Any criminals that don’t fit into these three categories will be shot to keep things nice and simple.
And so in conclusion – BOSH!
The UK becomes the envy of the world in about two years max.
As long as everyone plays their part and doesn’t bugger it up (yes Dave I’m talking to you) then we can all live happier lives in peace and harmony.
Anything that hasn’t been resolved by the above manifesto can be answered by blowing up the problem with guns and explosives, until I can be bothered to put some thought into it and write it in this blog or the gents’ toilets at Piccadilly train station Manchester.
That is all for now.