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Thursday, 9 June 2011

X-Men: First Class a review

X-Men: First Class

An expose by Bumferry Hogart.

First of all let explain that I am a comic book fan. I don’t consider myself knowledgeable enough to call myself a nerd but I will concede that I am a bit of a geek when it comes to comics.

Also – I am not a massive fan of the x-men comics.

Mrs Hogart is. She loves that wolverine fella more than me. – Her words.....
But I do know enough about the X-Men and I also know the difference between right and wrong, which is why i have to justify my outrage at this so called film aimed at young impressionable children.

We recently went to see x-men: First Class and after hearing other folks tell me how wonderful and amazing it was I am forced to write this report on what I consider to be a massive pile of poo.

Not only that but First Class, in my eyes, was nothing short of paedophilic propaganda.

Let’s look at the facts...

Forgetting the poor special effects and crappy dialogue for a moment let us first look at some of the major plot lines:

There’s this bloke called Xavier who lives ALONE in a big house – ALL ALONE.
He spends his days trying to chat up girls in pubs with very little success. His companion is also a girl, who broke into his house when she was only little and using his mind powers convinced her to live with him. As the years go by she grows up and becomes less of a “distraction” for him until the day Xavier tells the girl in his words “I don’t find you attractive in that way, I think of you more of a sister.” And follows up with “I’ve known you since you were a child...”

To me the alarm bells are ringing straight away.

This character is clearly based on Joseph Fritzel. ‘nuff said. The monster.
Xavier has a friend called Erik.

Erik was subjected to the horrors of witnessing his mother’s death which caused him to instantly hate all mankind. It probably led to him having some kind of Oedipus complex as well but to be fair there is no evidence for that in the film, although Erik is very angry with everyone. This is all Xavier needs to twist Erik to join in on his own little quest for kiddie domination.

Together these two emotionally defunct individuals scour the Earth looking for similarly emotionally scarred YOUNG PEOPLE to collect into their brood.
Because it’s a science fiction film, Xavier meets a guy called Hank who has a machine that lets people see into other peoples minds. Xavier says something like “let me have a bash on that then.” And off he pops.

In the film we see the process of him choosing the ones he wants and low and behold what do we see.... a load of kids!

He sees adults in his vision as well, but they are all grey and out of focus. It the children that grab his immediate attention.

Jesus H Christmas. He guy’s a nonce. I thought!

And I was right.

As a montage of clips are shown of him and Erik CHATTING UP these people, the only ones they can grab their grubby hands on are of course the kids.
And they are all outcast children. Unloved, uncared for and mistreated.

Perfect prey for this most heinous of sex pests.

The only adult we see them meet is Wolverine who promptly tells them “GO FUCK YOURSELF”

Well done that man.

And so as the film progresses to what I start to think is going to be a horrible human centipede moment. We see Charles Xavier and Erik dragging these kids into the cellar of his massive mansion and locking them in a dungeon of sorts. Xavier tells each one of them that they can’t come out until they show him their “special powers”. The filthy bugger.

Bish bash bosh. The kids are turned into his little sex puppets and forced to wear yellow spandex, all the while Xavier cracks jokes about becoming old and going bald – a peter pan complex if ever there was one.

There is even one character who hangs around Xavier and Erik for too long and turns into a real monster just to highlight the horrors that await these poor waifs and strays....

Some other stuff happens that doesn’t help my theory, so we will wash straight over those, and then the film ends.

He even has the nerve to rename his house to “CHARLES XAVIERS SCHOOL FOR GIFTED CHILDREN”


All in all pure proof if ever there was any needed that X-men: First Class is nothing short of vindication for dirty child molesters to run riot.

I for one am applaud.

That is why i only give X-men: First Class 5/10.

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