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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Monday, 4 July 2011

998 words of depression?

Ring pulls.
First of all I would like to apologise for the fact that this entry of my blog goes absolutely nowhere. Much like the others really. However with this particular mash up of letters and words comes possibly the most boring and pointless thing to ever be uploaded onto the internet. There is no real twist at the end. There is no gag.
I have written this just to see if it could be done.
I will save you the bother of reading it in full by informing you know that it can and I have.

You will learn no other information by continuing reading this blog entry.
If you do continue to read please be aware that there is no mind blowing revelation other than this:

“Thank god for new ring pulls.”

If you do wish to continue – I wish you good luck and save journey.
This entry is an exercise in writing 998 words for no other reason at all.

I was having a conversation with my good Darren, from themindwordsofdarren.blogspot.com the other evening when the topic of ring pulls reared its ugly head.

It didn’t last long. But on reading the words “ring pulls” my mind began to spin.
Imagination took me back to a more innocent time. Back to my childhood where there was no such thing as X-boxes or the internet or even paedophiles for that matter (when did they become so popular?) it was all strangers in my day.

There I was reading some gibberish when I began to think about how ring pulls have changed over the years.

- This line of thought was no reflection on the interesting and topical conversation I was having with Darren and would like to take this opportunity to point to him and you that I do not spend most of my time thinking about ring pulls nor do I feel bored of his wisdom in anyway shape or form –

Ring pulls these days are a simple pull and flick back affair that for the most part do not require that much of your attention and for me that is a shame.

I remember back in the 1980s when ring pulls were not just a way of opening a tin can, but a means of testing ones strength and skill set. There was a knack to opening a can of pop. There were ways and tricks that you could practise and show off to your mates.
There was also a very important method of drinking without having you tongue ripped to shreds as well. Bloody sharp edges they had.

Please remember this was before the dawn of HD TV or even channel 5 for that matter and the closest thing we had to the World Wide Web was ceefax.

In those days ring pulls were a simple hole for your finger to fit into and then you had to pull all the way, forcing the steel to separate from the crease made to make a hole. A final tug with a little twist allowed you complete the move leaving you with a separate ring pull and can.
Of course these days the ring pull stays with the can. That’s cheating.

As I write this, I distinctly remember me and my friend Joel trying to see if we could pick up and open a can of TAB CLEAR with only one hand.
This was a test of wills, a battle of power, strength and determination. A small group had gathered round us to revel in our standoff.

Thanks for reading here’s a gag – “Won Agoraphobic of the Year last night. Sadly wasn't able to collect my award.”

Joel went first. He held the can by his finger tips the can hanging down. He took his forefinger and with the tip of his finger nail cupped the top of the ring pull so his finger could sit underneath.
Almost immediately the can dropped but Joel was able to utilise his cat like reactions to regain grip on the cold can.

Moisture was now beginning to form around the can making it slippery and harder to hold.

Joel tried in vain to recapture his figure beneath the ring pull. His grip loosening again he knew he only had seconds to spare before he would drop his drink and so in one fluid movement he pulled at the can and...

It fell to the floor.

Sweet sickly clear coca-cola spread across our feet to the sound of children’s laughter.

This was the same fate that awaited me.
The laughter. The taunting that would haunt me for years to come was already ringing in my ears just not aimed in my direction.

I only had one chance.
I paid for the can and took into my left hand. (I’m left handed)

Cupping the can with my little finger underneath, i tapped at the ring pull with my thumb nail.
Tap tap tap.

It was no use. I had to shift my grip to the same as Joel had.

I pulled at the ring pull but no matter how I tried it wouldn’t budge.

The can slipped from my hand due to the cold wet smooth sides and the laughter started.

I can still hear it every night before I fall asleep.

Sometimes the old ways were rubbish. I think it is called progress.

Thank god for the new ring pulls.

If you have made it all the way to the bottom of this page by reading it all the way through..well done – it must be a very slow day for you.

If you have just scrolled down to the end and not read anthing – i don’t blame you. But once you click away from this page we both know that there will be a small little hole in your soul where you will wonder “did he put a really funny joke in the middle for people who read it all the way through?”

I didn’t...
Or did i?


  1. I got about half way down this post and then gave up..

  2. @Sarah - thats worse than not even trying at all! its my fault though. for that i am sorry and will try harder in future

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. You know what was better about what you said there in your words in the thing wot yoo roted?

    paedophiles! It's no wonder kids are more prone these days. It doesn't RHYME with anything and if there's one thing we can learn from the names kids call each other, it's that they like to rhyme things.

    What did we have? STRANGER DANGER! Stranger danger - it rhymes so is easy to remember and is two words, one of which describes the issue, the other the correct reactionary stance - unlike paedophiles. It's something THEY'VE done.

    Remember:- If it rhymes it's true so they've come up with a way to circumnavigate that particular pitfall.

    Think on...

  5. did i imagine it or was there a button type ringpull scenario goin on for a time? I have vivid memories of bein dazzle by this new innovation in beverage technology.


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