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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

998 words about Lightbulbs

Once upon a time:
Somebody somewhere had a great idea. When they had this great idea – a metaphorical light bulb pinged into existence above their head. Everyone around them could then see that they had just thought of something brilliant.

It has always been this way. Its how comic book, cartoon and comedic characters communicate without speech.

There will no longer be any more bright ideas.

This is all thanks to some . . . dare I say it . . . bright spark within the halls of power in the European union, who has declared the common 60 watt bulb to be illegal.
From the 1st of September the 60watt will no longer be manufactured. Once all the stocks are sold in shops – that’s it. Done with.

If your bulb goes you will be forced by the will of Europe to replace your beloved bulb of light with a cheap plastic looking tampon mould.

The new, energy efficient bulbs, are now the new norm. You may have seen them on TV; you may even know someone who has one. If you’re really unlucky, you there might be one plugged into your wall right now!

Go and have a look....
looks like a Darleks butt plug to me!

Is there one there on your wall. You will be able to tell if it is by the smugness it emits. Throbbing pride at being ever so slightly less harmful to the environment. Don’t let the fact that the damn thing is about as illuminating as a postage stamp with the word light written in very small pencil, detract from the fact that this horrific design of the future will forever more be the one item in your home you have no control over buying, because the new bulb is here to stay.

The bigwigs in charge claim, with their science, that these bulbs are more environmentally friendly and will save you money on electricity bills. But what price is being paid for having some actual useful light in a room?

I am a victim of these energy saving light bulbs and from experience I can honestly say they are crap.
Before, with the good old 60watt-er I could press the switch in the front room and HEY PRESTO!!! 

Lots of light that went all over the room.

Cascades of pure brilliant light shone and bounced off every surface. It was daytime – but at night! Magic!!

This thing of beauty...
Energy saving bulbs, on the other hand, meant having to turn on the light switch a good 4 hours before I actually needed to use them due to the fact that it takes that long for my eyes to become accustomed to the dull and dim twilight. Energy saving bulbs offer nothing but empty promises.
The reason they save so much on electricity is down to the fact that they hardly use any and offer nothing in the way of ocular support when it gets a bit dark.

But apart from the fact that the new bulbs do not in any was offer the same amount of light as the old ones, I am quite dubious over these claims of “environmental friendliness”.

The new bulbs contain a tiny amount of mercury, which is a very harmful metal. The process of mining mercury is a messy business to say the least, and what is more, there isn’t a lot of it left.
The worlds stock of mercury has halved in the last twenty years to the point that by the year 2000 there was only 1800 tons left.

Granted a lot of mercury these days is recycled and not mined, but still the fact there is a dwindling amount of the stuff left to use leads me to think that before too long we will run out and won’t be able to use these shitty bulbs and will have to go back to using the old ones again.

so when we take into account the cost to the environment of all that mucking about with mercury and the plastics involved for the bottom bit of the bulb (whatever that bit of the bulb is called...let’s call it the bulbs arse) I fail to see just how environmentally friendly these little buggers are.

Then again, they’re not little are they?

They look all wrong.

When light bulbs used to look like light bulbs there was no problem with calling them exactly that – BULBS.

I guarantee it will not take long for the idiot paper shufflers in the halls of Brussels to turn round and make it a criminal act to call energy efficient light bulbs something else, because they are not bulbous in shape.

Remember that these people are in the same seats of power that made it illegal to sell potatoes by the pound, or make bananas that are too curly. How long do you think it will take these morons to come up with some god-awful name for lights?

The parallel illuminators?

Tubular Photon emitters?

Parallel tubular photon illumination emitters?
(I’m copywriting all three of those just in case!)

The 60 watt bulb is something we have all taken for granted in our lives. It has been a friend and saviour to us all in one way or another. It has literally been a guiding light through our darkest days.

Who was there when you needed to find the remote control last night?

Who was it who shone so brightly and stopped you from stubbing your toe against the coffee table?

No other house hold item was able to share those bedtime stories at night time with you as a child or was able to bravely defend you from the evil monsters that lurked beneath your bed...
A true Hero.

And which item was it that was trusted to always defend your house from burglars when you went away?

The 60 watt light bulb.

Your ever faithful friend.

It would only ever let you down once. But when you needed it, it was there for you.

These truly are set to be our darkest days.


  1. I bet you enjoy fondling the old bulbs, you kinky sod!

  2. I remember when energy saving bulbs first came out, they promised to last over 25 years, gradually over time the promise on the box has gotten smaller and seems to have finally settled on 10. actually that could have been a dream....


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