The following is a letter I have drafted in order to send to
the pope of the church.
I think I’m onto a winner here...
Read on and prepare to be amazed at my wisdom!
Ho-Ho-Ho? |
Dear The Pope.
How are you?
I am well.
I have a small rash on my left hand but it’s nothing to
worry about. A dab of E45 cream will clear it up no problem.
But that is not why I am writing to you.
The thing is, I’ve had a great idea and I want to pass it on
to you.
I know you are a busy man, doing the lords work and all, so I
will get straight to the point.
Now.
I have been thinking about Christmas and Easter. The big two
as you guys call it.
The thing is, both these holiday periods are significant
parts of Jesus’ life (but you know this already). The thing is Christmas is
always on the 25th of December. It’s almost religious.
But Easter happens at different times. Although is roughly
at the same time of year, the dates always change each and every year. But
again, you know this.
Christmas is a very commercial time of year and coincidently
falls at the peak of the big winter sales. This as I’m sure you are concerned
about, takes away a lot of the press time that could be used to spread the
message of good will to all men and peace on earth. Instead we get 75% discount
sales and really cheesy adverts with snow and minor celebrities hard up for
cash and willing to dress as Santa just so that the shops can sell a few more
turkeys or I-pods or whatever.
As I say, this is taking up a lot of time (and money) away
from churches where they want to talk about God and Jesus and all that other
stuff.
Whereas Easter is all about chocolate eggs and war films on
TV. The church doesn’t really get a look in.
This is where I come in.
I’ve got a plan!
I propose that we should do Christmas like Easter.
Celebrate the birth of the son of god on the 3rd
Sunday of December.
That would make Christmas more of a religious period rather
than a commercial holiday event.
This is a good thing. (But you know this)
It would cut down on the adverts and patronising sales techniques
used to bribe children into blackmailing their parents into getting them the
“must have toy” and allow people to utilise the time saved by going to church
and filling the coffers of their local worship house.
It would also benefit employers and the work force because
there would be at least a full weeks gap
between the bank holiday of Christmas
and the one for new year, meaning that people can get over their hangovers from
Christmas and really enjoy the new year party, which I am sure you will agree is
the most important time of the year!
Girls tend to lose their morals when they are drunk don’t
they. LOL.
Anyway that’s enough from me.
Hope this letter finds you safe and well.
Take care and think on about what I’ve said.
Keep yourself nice.
Bumferry Hogart (CofE)
I'm sure the pope will find the part about the rash on your hand more helpful than anything else. Where do you pull these ideas from?
ReplyDeletesarah, too many jaffa cakes im afraid.
ReplyDeleteMore 'Bum Teeth' and 'Little Fluffy Kittens' poems, PLEASE!
ReplyDeleteGreat blog, though I was violently sick at the post on shoveling shit. After the dry heaving had subsided and the soreness of my throat soothed from all the heavy retching, I was able to read on.
Very funny indeed!
thanks Lily. there are more to come, but im stuggling to read my own violent serial killer style handwritting.
ReplyDelete