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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

A Letter To The Pope

The following is a letter I have drafted in order to send to the pope of the church.
I think I’m onto a winner here...

Read on and prepare to be amazed at my wisdom!


Dear The Pope.

How are you?

I am well.

I have a small rash on my left hand but it’s nothing to worry about. A dab of E45 cream will clear it up no problem.

But that is not why I am writing to you.

The thing is, I’ve had a great idea and I want to pass it on to you.
I know you are a busy man, doing the lords work and all, so I will get straight to the point.


I have been thinking about Christmas and Easter. The big two as you guys call it.
The thing is, both these holiday periods are significant parts of Jesus’ life (but you know this already). The thing is Christmas is always on the 25th of December. It’s almost religious.
But Easter happens at different times. Although is roughly at the same time of year, the dates always change each and every year. But again, you know this.

Christmas is a very commercial time of year and coincidently falls at the peak of the big winter sales. This as I’m sure you are concerned about, takes away a lot of the press time that could be used to spread the message of good will to all men and peace on earth. Instead we get 75% discount sales and really cheesy adverts with snow and minor celebrities hard up for cash and willing to dress as Santa just so that the shops can sell a few more turkeys or I-pods or whatever.

As I say, this is taking up a lot of time (and money) away from churches where they want to talk about God and Jesus and all that other stuff.

Whereas Easter is all about chocolate eggs and war films on TV. The church doesn’t really get a look in.

This is where I come in.

I’ve got a plan!

I propose that we should do Christmas like Easter.

Celebrate the birth of the son of god on the 3rd Sunday of December.

That would make Christmas more of a religious period rather than a commercial holiday event.
This is a good thing. (But you know this)

It would cut down on the adverts and patronising sales techniques used to bribe children into blackmailing their parents into getting them the “must have toy” and allow people to utilise the time saved by going to church and filling the coffers of their local worship house.

It would also benefit employers and the work force because there would be at least a full weeks gap 
between the bank holiday of Christmas and the one for new year, meaning that people can get over their hangovers from Christmas and really enjoy the new year party, which I am sure you will agree is the most important time of the year!

Girls tend to lose their morals when they are drunk don’t they. LOL.

Anyway that’s enough from me.

Hope this letter finds you safe and well.

Take care and think on about what I’ve said.

Keep yourself nice.

Bumferry Hogart (CofE)


  1. I'm sure the pope will find the part about the rash on your hand more helpful than anything else. Where do you pull these ideas from?

  2. sarah, too many jaffa cakes im afraid.

  3. More 'Bum Teeth' and 'Little Fluffy Kittens' poems, PLEASE!

    Great blog, though I was violently sick at the post on shoveling shit. After the dry heaving had subsided and the soreness of my throat soothed from all the heavy retching, I was able to read on.

    Very funny indeed!

  4. thanks Lily. there are more to come, but im stuggling to read my own violent serial killer style handwritting.


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