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Wednesday, 8 February 2012

998: Saving the world yet again

Brace yourself kids, because I have had another one of my insanely brilliant ideas.

This cold weather of February has reminded me winter brings with it stupid cold weather, snow and rain and of course the sad and lonely come out to make us all feel even more miserable.
If all goes to plan we have 10 months to get this amazing formula of mine put in place and up and running.

The best thing of all is – it’s easy!

Here’s the problem:
I'm not the problem - You are...

When it gets cold and/or towards the end the year, the vulnerable parts of or society tend to find themselves cut off meaning they feel even more lonely and afraid.
These two sections of our communities are often referred to as the Old and the Lonely.

I propose we offer an outlet for both of these types that allows the rest of us “normal folk” to carry on with buying our gizmos and gadgets without fear of guilt creeping into our subconsiousness and ruining what promises to be a cosy weekend in front of our massive TVs.

Old people, as we all know, love nothing more than talking. They can talk about anything and everything. Sometimes it doesn’t even make sense.

On the flip side of things there are the loners. The socially incompatible who, for whatever reason, can’t or won’t speak to others. They go unnoticed in our day to day lives until a few weeks after they die and someone calls the council about the smell.  It’s at this point the police smash the door down to find mountains of old newspapers and a load of feral cats feeding off the remains of some house bound hermit.

Let’s get these two groups together via the medium of telephones!

Listen to me if you want to live..
There are currently... oh I don’t know . . . 9 million charity hotlines of each and every aspect of speaking your mind or just getting things off your chest so that you can feel better about yourself or hear that piece of advice that you already know to be true.

Who better to hear it off than someone’s Gran?

Grans and Nanas know EVERYTHING! They have lived lives to the fullest and bake and do things with knitting needles and other dying arts that will soon be lost forever.

Moreover, these retired folks often complain that they too have nobody to talk to.

So I think we (and by we I mean somebody else) should install dedicated telephones in old people’s homes in an attempt to create a network of hotlines for those who need help but don’t want to be preached at by a self righteous do-gooding vegan crystal healer.
Think of the Shit I got upto as a teenager!

Think about it.

Who else but a Granny can tell you to pull your socks up and get on with life, while passing on their special recipe of treacle toffee and sponge cake all the while making you feel like YOU are the one doing THEM a favour by getting in touch?

A Granny would never be patronising or talk down to you. They listen.

That’s what grannies do best.

They have life experience. Lived and fought through wars, depressions, 3 day weeks, rationing and a myriad of problems and issues that were never a life defeating stop the clocks and punish yourself milestone around your neck that they are today, because people simply didn’t have time to sit around and over think things back then.

In the old days people didn’t have such problems as obesity (because people were just called fat in those days) nor did they have overflowing debt (because nobody had money anyway and there were not as many things to buy).

Grannies would just tell you get on with it and remind you times used to be a lot harder in their day. But it would be done in such a way that you knew it was right and you were being very selfish and or lazy.

Here comes the clever bit.

Because these grannies would be” working from home” although not being paid as such, they would be able to take advantage of a little known government policy that allows those who work from home to claim up to £3 per day for use of their own utilities.

This equates to around £1000 per year.

Starting to make sense now isn’t it?

This extra money could be put towards heating bills, food bills or those extra scratch cards they insist on buying.

These phone lines can be open 24 hours a day because old people rarely sleep. They’re always outside the post office well before opening times so there are no issues there that I can see.

The one and only problem might be when we have to close the phone lines at 3pm when countdown is on, or Eastenders, or Coronation Street, or Downton abbey, or antiques roadshow, or Bargin hunt...no that’s it I think. Just those shows... oh no Masterchef. They love Masterchef don’t they? Can’t disturb them when Masterchef is on. They’d be livid.

The conclusion of this would be three fold.

Firstly, people would have another avenue to communicate with someone on the end of a phone who will listen to them and be able to offer some real life advice. This would free up some much needed time and cost for the hard working charities that already exist.

Secondly, old folks will live a bit longer because they would have someone to talk to and pass on their experiences and knowledge as well as properly earning themselves a little extra cash that has already been side lined and therefore won’t cost the tax payer any extra money.

Thirdly, these phones lines will need to be monitored and the grannies trained in some respect so there are some jobs made up for the unemployed.
Not everyone will be suitable for the job though...


I’ve saved the country yet again.

I think I probably deserve a big shiny medal or bronze statue or something.

As always people – you are all very welcome.


  1. Brilliant Mr H. I was a bit worried about the line " They can talk about anything and everything. Sometimes it doesn’t even make sense." Because I have always thought I was good at that but very good plan. I had my own one once which would link in rather well. It was CCTV in town centres it costs loads to install, well why not fit them to the houses of the elderly. Not only would they feel safer but they are naturally very nosey and would see everything. If they were all then linked by phone, running helplines and had access to say the police it would be just like 1984 Big Granny is watching you .... OK maybe more "Nine Teas Auntie Flow"

    I think we should patent grannies quick before someone else thinks about them

    1. We should go on Draons Den with a couple of coffin dodgers and a nice hot pot of tea. theres no way those hard faced misery guts millionares can deny us £250,000. Job done! keep it under your hat for now. I'll work out what the hell we are going to do with a quater of a million Grannies.

  2. We do something similar in south wales but they all work on adult sex lines...

  3. Not a bad idea, but it could go even further. Charity grannies (or Grannities) are great, but we aren't harvesting the potential of grandads. We could set up a premium rate phone number where people can call grandads up and listen to war stories, their thoughts on iPhones, and casual racism. It'd be like Babestation, with a grandad sat in a rocking chair, urging you to call in by tantalisingly waving a cordless "magic" phone.

  4. I have nothing contructive to add except, hahahahahah!

  5. I have nothing constructive to add except, hahahahahah.

  6. This is good stuff, following you now!


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