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Tuesday, 17 July 2012

The Failure That Is Bumferry Hogart

Today I went into town in order to take my driving theory test (yes, I’m still taking driving lessons) and – as any stand up comic worth their salt would say – a funny thing happened….

… Although the word FUNNY is probably not the right descriptive term to use.

To cut a long and boring story short, I’d forgotten to take the correct paper work with me, In fact I didn’t have the correct documents at home either but that’s another tale for another time.
The old grumpy bastard behind the desk uttered the following sentence once I informed him that I had no idea I needed paperwork on top of my licence photo ID with my name, full address, date of birth and FACE on it…

“You might as well go, there’s no point in me talking to YOU!”

Gob smacked at the lack of customer service I did indeed walk out.

Apart from the totally c*ntworthyness of the prick who was slumped behind the desk, I was indeed in the wrong in respect of the missing important documents. However two other points were brought to light in this little adventure of mine.

Firstly: Some people are not ‘people’ people (if you know what I mean).

Secondly: I am so bad at learning to drive that I was told to leave the testing centre before even being given a pen.

It has not been a good week for me.

Complaint letter has been sent is respect of the shithouse who spoke to me and the dog has received a good kicking on my return*.


I’ve just thought a really good thing I should have said to him when I was there…. Bugger. I hate when that happens.

I'm going to sit in a dark corner now and feel quite embarrassed and confused and stupid and angry.

*I didn’t kick the dog. He’s fast asleep. I’ll do it later when Mrs H isn’t looking.


  1. Mr H do not feel bad about this. Paperwork is something that I find very annoying and confusing myself at times. As we have run our own business I am aware of the mountains of the stuff that gets created, we sometimes look at one another and think are we the only people in Britain who have a pile of paperwork that is this big....... Surely not?

    I often think just how do people actually cope with this stuff are the public brilliant at the art of filing and keeping all their affairs on the straight and narrow, all filed away in alphabetical order and by month with some clever reminder system. Well none of the folk I know are like that I have a friend who refused to open any post that was brown and he managed that for two years. If I try that everything falls apart in a month, and I look like an complete IDIOT.

    So next time you go tell grumpy bastard, you are very sorry but the lucky thing is it reminded you that everyone had to get their IGA 300 C tax survey back by yesterday or we get fined.... You can then add..... I guess you sent yours back weeks ago..

    Good luck with the theory test, remember rude gestures are strictly prohibited while you are holding your mobile phone in your other hand.

    By the way the origin of the old saying 'There goes another theory' started as a result of people throwing the highway code out of the window as they drive away from the test centre once they pass their test...

    Good luck and I hope Mrs H is getting better

  2. Cheers Rob. I can always count on you to make sense of this world for me. You Da Man as i believe youths would say....init!

  3. Sorry Mr H, I was going to write something meaningful and of comfort but I just can't concentrate with Mr Wilfred Bramble staring out at me. It's most disconcerting I tells ya!

    As someone who can't even ride a bike, (though I'm a whiz on the ole roller skates...the one with four wheels) I'm envious of anyone who can drive a car. Good luck on your theory test. I shall keep my fingers and legs crossed for you.

    1. Wilfred Bramble could very well be a distant relation of mine if my reflection in the mirror is anything to go by. Poor Mrs H.
      Thanks for your kind words.
      The irony of it all is that I can drive quite well, its just the getting through the day without causing such calamity seems to be impossible for me.

  4. There's only one appropriate response to someone as rude as that.

    You should have casually leaned on the counter, put on your politest, most charming smile, raised your hand towards his collar in a friendly, shoulder-slapping gesture, opened your mouth in order to utter a polite phrase, then BITTEN HIS HEAD CLEAN OFF!

    What a total, utter git. I hope you pass your theory test soon.

    1. Good advice, although I am incapable of smiling. the reason for which will be revealed in my next but one post... a-ha!


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