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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

It Drives Me Mad...

'Ow do.

I have been a little quite on the blog of late.

The reason for this is that I have been preparing for my driving test, which was this morning.
It was a nerve racking event to say the least and (you will be glad to hear) one that did not have its fair share of idiotic moments.

To keep it short, because you have probably got better things to do with your time, I’ll just give you the highlights.

*It may be worth humming the theme to “some mothers do ‘ave ‘em from this point on*

Stalling the car before I reached the test centre was only the beginning of my woes and it was probably not the best time to wear my new boots.

Nothing to do with me... Honest!

Once the test actually began I lost the ability to speak.

My lips became floppy and limp. My throat couldn’t have felt drier if I had swallowed a fist full of salt and my brain simply stopped working.

Being asked questions such as “Can you show me how you would test the handbrake?” should be a breeze.
My initial response was one of GULP and lots of noises like “erm…” and “say wha…?”

Somehow that ordeal was passed okay and off on the road we went.

All was going well until I was asked to perform a parallel parking manoeuvre.

Seriously - Not my fault!
Not a problem, thought I as I had practiced this to perfection. And indeed I reversed the car into position like a professional.

Being the given the okay to drive on caused something akin to punching myself in the face.
Checking mirrors and blind spots and waiting for a clear stretch of traffic gave me the opportunity to pull away…. In reverse!

That’s right. REVERSE.

Idiot hole!

That is a fail in my book. A big fat sweaty fail and a half.

Driving in the wrong direction is NOT a good thing.

“Sod it!” I thought. The realisation that I had bummed my driving test in a massive way right near the start caused me to loose my nerves and drive away the remaining 40 minutes without too much care.
Three roundabouts and a jaunt (that’s right jaunt) down a couple of A roads and into a housing estate and I came across something quite disturbing indeed.

Most definitely not my fault.
As a novice driver I admit I am not the most knowledgeable when it comes to the rules of the road. I do believe though that driving your car ON THE PAVEMENT at over 30 miles per hour is NOT the norm.

The car was not mine you understand, but some numb nuts who came from nowhere on my left and was driving on the pavement of his own accord (it had nothing to do with me.)

Beyond the oceans of rain that fell throughout my test I managed to return to the test centre in one piece, parked up and turned the engine to hear these words:

“Well, Mr Hogart I am please to say you have passed your test.”

EX-CUE-HOO-SE ME?!?!?!?!?

Didn't see that coming did you – I didn’t.

So just be careful out there next time you drive a car or cross the street. There’s an idiot somewhere driving backwards with a chuffing driving licence in one hand and a spam and egg butty in the other.

Ps – I love me a good spam and egg butty.
Not mine, but That will do for me!

PPS- you can stop listening to the theme to “some mothers do ‘ave ‘em” now.


  1. Well congratulations Mr H I am very happy for you. You will now be free to shout and swear and wave your fist at other drivers and pedestrians. Plus the joys of getting ripped off by insurance companies and garages who will say oooooo that click means the grusset drive sprocker is loose that's expensive plus VAT and at £52 pound an hour will be 572 pounds at least.

    Nice span and egg butty though makes it all worth while

    That first picture reminds me; I knew someone who fell asleep on the motorway and really did drive into the 'don't fall asleep on the motorway, take a break sign'. Luckily the sign saved his life and he was uninjured, its a funny old world.

    1. spam butty not a span butty I think that's what bridges eat.

      My keyboard is rubbish

  2. Well done! I can remember my test was one of the most frightening things I've ever done, so it's great that you came back in one piece.

    My test was going swimmingly until some guy pulled out in front of me, forcing me into an emergency stop. The tester also went for the dual-control brakes, but luckily I got there first. If I'd have reacted a split second later I probably would have failed, which goes to show how other drivers can ruin a test for you. Other than that, I only got one minor fault.


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