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Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Crisp Wars Episode:1

During a conversation on twitter about which packet of crisps would win in a fight it became clear rather early on that rules would be needed to ensure a fair fight.

The contenders in this friendly match were Monster Munch Vs Space Raiders.
New skool

Being a monster and/or raider from space have both advantages and disadvantages alike.

Oh yes, they are both maize based smacks but being from space would presumably mean oxygen is not your gaseous element of choice and so the chances are you may be short of breath rather quickly, assuming you don’t have breathing apparatus which you probably would being from space. Plus you would have the advantage of laser guns. As for monsters, they tend to spend most of their time under beds or hiding in cupboards so hand to hand combat would be your preferred battle ground of choice, however bright lights, Dads and or tough enough Mums only need to leave the landing light on and monsters are worse than useless.
old skool

See, it’s not as easy as you first thought to find a winner.

So here are the rules for CRISP FIGHT CLUB.

Rule 1: Adhere to the rules.
Rules ARE NOT there to be broken, they are there for your safety and to ensure a clean fight.

Rule 2: Stick to your own kind.
Potato based snacks should not fight corn or maize crisps. In a similar way to boxing, different categories exist to ensure a fair fight.

Rule 3: how to win a fight:
  • 3a)i)       Taste flavour is the all important number one rule here. If you just taste of thinly cut potato and/or corn, you are on a loser here baby. Too much flavour ie. All the dust is on one slice and it’s tastebud overload, ruining the enjoyment of the rest of your snack. Spread that flavour.

  • 3a)ii) Variety not only is taste important but differing tastes count towards winning points. ensure your crisp flavours are of sufficient variety that they offer something for everyone. Points are deducted for boring salt and vinegar/cheese and onion/salt. Extra points given for Dodo egg/Giraffe hair/hint of illusion etc.

  • 3b) crunchability a good crisp is a crispy crisp. You should make a noise similar to that of rotten tree falling in a wood full of thin sticks and wrapping paper. Soft and limp wins no prizes here.

  • 3c) Sizeas any woman and she will tell you that “SIZE COUNTS”. A winning crisp should be just big enough to fit in a mouth. Too big and you get crumbs – crumbs mean waste. Too small and it all gets fiddly and messy and guess what… more crumbs.

  • 3d) Pricethe cost of a bag of crisps should be reasonable. Some bags are more expensive than others, this does not always always mean value for money. The same is said for cheap bags of crisps. Cheapness should not mean cheapness.

  • 3e) fresh air this most important and falls in line with rule 
  • 3d. Upon opening a bag of crisps the consumer should not be met with a bag of air. A bag of crisps should be just that – crisps… not air which could very well be a disgruntled factory workers fart.

4) Nameare your crisps just “crisps” or are they in fact HERO BITES or LIP SMACKERS or whatever. Any name that encourages the consumer to enjoy their bag of choice is awarded extra points.

5a) Perfectionismthis rule mainly applies to potato crisps. Are the contents of the bag similar in appearance to the picture on the bag? If a perfectly rounded golden disc is shown on the bag that is what you should get. If upon opening you have in your position a collection of blackened husks of what could very well be burnt human eye lids – you won’t win any prizes here.

  • 5b) for corn/maize/other crisps this rule applies if opening the bag one is met by a bag of dust and less than 66% fully formed crisps.

These rules made be extended, but for now there is enough, I am sure, to find a suitable ultimate crisp.

Feel free to let me know which crisps should be entered into the contest and next time i go shopping, I'll get some and do a video or something.



  1. Well Mr H this is something of a leap from Custard Creams; I have read the rules but I fear my choice is a bit of a problem you see I am a bit of a Twiglets man myself. Twiglets I have come to realize over the years are an all or nothing sort of snack people love them or hate them. In the gallery when we had previews Twiglets were sort of always there (due to me) and folk would see them and go ooooooo I haven't seen them for years.

    I will say as a crisp weapon they would be a useful club in the tradition of stone age man.

    What about Pringles I quite like Pringles (the crisps not the jumpers) but they come in tubes. But if you put the lid on an empty Pringle tube and bang hard on the sides it does make a great noise.

    I am well confused now and plan to go and eat chocolate. . . .HAH HAH AH HAH HAhha hah ah ha hah ahh ah ha hahha ha ha ha

    1. I ate a full bag (family size - PAH!) all to myself the other night. I reckon they could be included as a wild card.
      Pringles have been mentioned on the facebook page - they are in as well.
      Should be a good (and potentially expensive contest) hahaha.

  2. Hang on. There's a food-centric argument happening on the Internet and I'm NOT involved?

    My favourite crisp is Pickled Onion Monster Munch. I'm sure that this is the correct answer.

    1. You snooze - you loose! Monster munch have been selected for the opening ceremony along with some Space raiders. I now need a list of crisps to be representatives of... um... crisps.
      I might do a sweepstake, and the winner gets a big bag with the bits of crisps I have not eaten. People would enter a competition where the prize is a half eaten bag of crisps right?

  3. I have looked at the internet and noticed Old Vienna Red Hot Riplets, now that sounds like a real crisp to me. . . . . .

    1. I've said it before and I'll say it again... no good came from looking at the internet. Will have to look into those and see if they are available. hahahahahah

  4. What happened to the pictures Mr H have you been knobbled by a rival crisp manufacturer. it a dog eat dog world..... Ooooo that reminds me, Hedgehog Crisps were started locally by someone I vaguely knew. I think I should fly the flag for them so to speak.

    1. ah..... bugger. (emergency post has been written on this subject) I should not be allowed to mess around on things. sob....sob...sob....

  5. In chewing this matter over I've come to realize there are more members of the genre -themed crisp family than one woulda thought. Space raiders, Monster Munch, Transform-A-Snax -that last one is also my suggestion for your maize product crossover fight - but I'm not much of a crisp fan. I prefer healthy food like candy floss covered pork scratchings or buttered and salted lard.


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