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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Monday, 21 October 2013


I keep losing things.

There’s no other way to say it. I keep losing stuff.

From house keys to my driving licence. From CD cases to entire pairs of shoes. BOTH SHOES AT ONCE!

How is that possible?

Are my shoes capable of independent thought and decided to run away from my smelly feet? I wouldn’t blame if they did. I’m glad they are as far away from my nose as they could be because they really do hum at times.

But my missing foot wear is not an isolated incident. On an almost daily basis any item I own can disappear without warning or notice.
But it’s not just the physical things that venture beyond my grasp. 

It’s now abstract things like thoughts and memories.

These past few weeks I have found myself trying to recall events that have occurred in my life. Fun things like parties and big life events like jobs and moving home and meeting people who I now consider to be loved ones.

Upon pointing my eyes upward in an effort to engage brain I receive natures equivalent of a 404 error and a giant invisible question mark appears just beyond my line of sight.

I know it’s there… I just can’t cant put my hands on it, much like passport or that spare USB cable I was saving for whatever it was I was going to do with it that I can no longer remember.

It’s awful.

I feel like I should visit the doctor to see if there is something actually wrong with me – but I am still 60-75% sure that Mrs H is just mucking around with me and keep moving things around.

I’m not the best at tidying up ( I am a man, it’s in my genes) but Mrs H can’t be plotting my down fall. I’m not insured.

In fact, a few yrars ago I was told by one of the big insurance companies that my lifestyle choices (???) meant that I was – and I quote – “UNINSURABLE”.

At the time I DO remember feeling quite proud that the fact I lived on a diet of custard creams and Guinness meant that none of the multi million pound life insurance companies would take the gamble that I would be alive long enough to cover the basic cover of a cheap funeral.

Jokes on you suckers, because I’m still here….. most of my things have done a runner – but I’m still kicking (and coughing and spluttering and wheezing) my way through life.

Having worked in the world of life insurance I knew a little of how it all worked and thought it would be interesting to find out how much cover I could get and as we have seen the answer came back as NONE!

On a side note – don’t bother with pensions, they are really rubbish and not worth the hassle.

Trust me – I could only handle pension calls when I was in the fuzzy place between… wait, what was I talking about……..


  1. Frankly, since you're a filthy custard cream lover, I find you uninsurable as well.

    I'm rather forgetful myself, but I generally manage to avoid these issues by placing everything in the same place everytime I put it down. My keys and wallet always on my bedside table, my passport in the top drawer, my shoes always in the front porch. If anything gets moved I go FUCKING MENTAL.

    1. I'll move stuff and within minutes forget ever

  2. You sound like the Ghost Writer who can't remember much beyond last week and now relies on his wife, (getting married was a good move Mr H you now have a new external memory) she has even made him a place which is called a safe place (it even as a large label) in order that he has a safe place to put the stuff he cant find, once he finds it again.

    The Ghost Writer cleverly took out a private pension a few years ago and now reaps the rewards with a handsome sum of 80 pence a day which he spends on custard creams and such little luxuries as a glass of water or crust of bread. He did plan to complain to his pensions adviser, but he has since buggered off to a life in a sunnier climate in a small (OK large) villa.

    1. external memory. hahahahahaha. I might use that as a pet name. I can only refer to her as "My little thistle" for so long before she does something we'll both regret!!!!

  3. Ever lost yer phone? and then I tried to phone it, only to realise you'd left it on fucking silent? only reason I found it was to go the fridge to get the milk and the new "butter lid" caught my eye....

    1. This is proof that mobile are just too thin these days. If they can be mistaken for butter tub lids we are in big trouble. Where will this madness end? Teenagers walking around screaming "Can you here me now?....what about now?!?!" into a piece of tissue.
      It's just bonkers.


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