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Sunday, 18 May 2014

Bumf's Birthday Poem.

Saturday was my birthday.

I have one every year.

People send me cards and gifts

and wish me merry cheer.

But it seems they just don't know me well

because I'm a proper old git.

There's something about a birthday card

that, to me, just doesn't fit.

A mass manufactured piece of paper

with picture of a train.

Says more about them than it does about me.

It drives me quite insane.

I have no love of public transport.

It does nothing at all for me.

Nor do cats or birthdays cakes

Or jokes that just aren't wi-tty.

I think they are a waste of money.

I'd rather have the cash.

Because cards just get thrown away

with the rest of the recycling trash.

Birthday cards are lazy.

They are full of someone elses words.

I suppose it's better than when the postman delivers

A box of steaming turds*

* I don't think it's the postman doing himself, but rather a jealous ex or an unknown nemesis - further investigation is required..


  1. You got my gift Mr H. . . . . . . . They are fresh and the cats helped to fill the box too. . . .

    Cool Poetry, I will not bother to send the card with the train about to run over the cute kitten licking a cake on the intercity high speed west coast line. While the driver gives a friendly wave and a robin pecks at the eyes of a snowman made from Jammie Dodgers . . . . (actually I think I have just thought of a brilliant idea for an alternative card company . . . . We should rush off and start production pronto).

    1. I think it would be better for people to receive cards based on bad times.... "Sorry you got up late and lost your job" cards would provide more of an emotional response than just happy birthday.
      "Hope that headache clears up soon" and "Good with level 328 on Candy Crush" have niche markets but they would sell like hotcakes....


      "Sorry I couldn't find a card for this occasion" cards would be brilliant..... <----- I have trademarked and copywriten the Bejezus out of that so nobody nick it!

    2. Sounds good to me Mr H . . . . . . I think there are posts in this , explaining the vertue of the . . . . . .very sorry to hear that my cat ate your parrot card. . . . . . or the . . . . Well it was a rubbish arm anyway and the new steel claw is awesome card.

  2. Seriously Mr H, you're turning into a right ole Victor Meldrew.

    As long as they don't produce a card saying 'Have a happy period,' then there will be less chance of me punching someone in the throat...okay, now I sound like Victor Meldrew.

    1. Hello Miss Lily . . . .DAMN you think that card is a bad idea then?

    2. I think she is just jealous that we came up with the idea..... I think I might have a card for that! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    3. Well done Mr H . . . . . I will send the O DAMN I have not received a card today card . . . . What I have received a card today, Gosh silly me Card. . . .

  3. So you didn't appreciate that "Sorry For The Gout" card I sent to you? Happy birthday anyway, for what a late comment on a Blog is worth.

    1. I appreciate a comment more than a bit of card. I really do hate cards. THINK OF THE TREES or whatever....

    2. Are you saying I need to send cards to trees? will they respond


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