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Monday, 12 May 2014

The Horrible Future

The future is a disgusting place.

I should know. I have been there.

It all happened (or will happen, depending on your point of view) Next Wednesday.

I was sat in my chair, vacantly staring at the internet, waiting for something amazing to happen, when something amazing happened.

The world around me faded away to nothingness and all that was left was me and my chair. The internet froze (as it wants to do sometimes) and I noticed a small man giggling in the shrouded mist of emptiness.

"Hello Mr Hogart" His voice was twined with fingernails down a chalkboard.

"What the bloody chuff is going on?" I demanded to know.

"I am the time king." said the little man.

"Don't you mean Time King?" I said, being a little pedantic, but I was feeling miffed and wasn't about to apologise.

"Um... yes. I am THE TIME KING!!" replied the Time King.

"What the hell have you done to my living room?" I shouted. "Where has my cup of tea gone?"

The Time King explained that I had been plucked from the time stream and brought into the distant future to witness the ultimate fate of man kind.

"Really?" I asked. "why?"

The Time King stepped forward through the blackness, which wasn't actually black, but was in fact a lack of blackness set against a vacant nothing. He approached me and said "You must write about the fate of humanity so that people may know what is to become of them. They must be made aware of the destiny that so many have tried to comprehend. Only then can mankind reach for greatness!"

His arms flailed and made great gestures as he spoke. At one point I thought he was going to knock my glasses of my nose. I was very quickly becoming frustrated and told him to just get on with it.

"Just get on with it." I said (told you).

The nothingness that surrounded us both dispersed, which is of course impossible, but it did anyway and the Time King waffled on about wars, technological advancements, the expansion of the human race beyond the solar system ans the return of the Shell Suit (because it was the most futuristic material ever).

Images flashed by us as he talked. He wasn't the most interesting of speakers and most of went over my head as all I could think of having a nice cup of tea....

After some uncountable amount of time, everything stopped and The Time King pointed away from us.
"Here..." he said.

I looked out and saw a scene forming from the mists of time. 

It was a bog. A steaming bog full of green and black goo. Some old dead trees lay, half submerged. There was very little light but what there was seemed hesitant to touch the ground. Mist swirled around the stagnant water which rippled slowly from the distance.

"There..." Whispered the Time King.

I squinted, but failed to see anything worth noting. "Where?"

"Come. Come with me Mr Hogart. I show you the fate of mankind."

We floated, somehow, across the top of the bog water and came to an small cove where a huddled figure poked at the scum on top of the water with a stick.

"This is the fate of your kind!"

I stared blankly. "A tramp?" I asked.

"No." Said The Time King. "The last human who will ever live."

The cowering husk of the last man looked up at me and splashed his stick in the water. He made a noise close to growl but more like a choke. The Time King put his bony finger to his lips and we watched in silence as the last ever human, the pinnacle of our race stood up. His knees cracked and he wobbled unsteadily as heaved himself upright.

He pointed toward us and opened his mouth to speak. "Th....." 

But he never had the chance to finish his words as just at that moment the ground around the bog gave away and the last human sank beneath the dark filthy mud....

...But not before taking a selfie on his mobile phone!

The Time King laughed. I frowned.

"What was the point of that?" I asked. 

"Do you not see? Can you tell how futile it is to be human? The years, centuries of development on mankind and it all ends with some idiot falling into the mud!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha"

I thought about this predicament. I pushed my glasses back up my nose, as i do from time to time, and allowed the Time King to send me back home.

"Well Mr Hogart. What do you think of the fate of mankind? Are you scared? do you fret at the pointlessness of it all? Thousands of years in the future and THIS is what becomes of you and your kind." He cackled.

"No." I replied. "I just want my cup of tea."

"I do not understand." He said. " You have just seen the end of you race fail to become anything more than a dumb animal. All of you endeavours, all of your achievements... they mean nothing." He screamed.

I shrugged at him.

"I'm not really bothered. I have very little time for anyone who spends their time taking selfies... they deserve everything they get." I said.

"damn." Said the Time King.

And with that the Time King disappeared. 

"well, that was quite odd." I said to myself as everything wibbled and wobbled and returned to normal. I instinctively reached out and found my cup of tea where I left it.

"Time King...... what a stupid name." I thought to myself as I picked up my phone and took a rubbish selfie.

At least we will perfect the ability of taking photos of ourselves for prosperity.....



  1. Kill me now! For I do not want to live in a world where shell suits are fashionable!!
    Love the part where the tramp takes a selfie before his demise. That was well worth the wait Mr H.

  2. Hello Mr H strangely the one thing i have lacked today is time it has been entirely out of control and if its the fault of the Time King then I will say right now he is in for it in a big way and if he is taking selfies then I will be even more angry I dont have a phone that will do stuff like that. . . . . .Hang ON I do, but I dont because I can't use it properly. I agree with Miss Lily about the Shell Suits, but hey they burn like hell. Surely the last man on Earth should be Rob Z Tobor or it will ruin my diary. . . . . .

    Well done Mr H. . . . folk need to understand the power of a cup of tea. . . . its awesome.

  3. How can he be the Time King? I AM THE TIME KING! The king of time-shares that is!

    Hi, I'm Addman, and I'm here to tell you about the amazing time-share deals we have on Spanish villas...


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