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Sunday, 1 June 2014

Xmen: DoFP a Six out of Ten review

This week I took Mrs H to watch that new comic book film Days Of Future Past.

This is the latest in a series of films containing HUGE Jackman, who plays the part of Woverine and his friends the other mutants.
Muscles.... Just lumps of fat waiting to happen.

The plot of this film is that all the other films that came before make very little sense and have screwed up any chance of a continuing series of films to be made as most of the well known characters such as Cyclops, Jean Grey and Prof Xavier have been killed off already.

With this in mind the director wanted to re-boot the films but without starting all over again and so time travel was shoe horned as a tool to restart the whole thing off again.

Unfortunately, this meant the writers still had to ignore the fact that some things were never going to make sense regardless of what they did.

Such things things as Prof Xavier (Cpt Picard to the rest of us) was dead, but managed to bring himself back alive without telling anyone and Future Wolverine having his metallic claws back after he had lost them in  fight in the previous Wolverine movie.

The audience is asked to suspend their disbelief as well as their knowledge of the previous films whilst trying to find a seat carrying a massive bag of sugary pop corn and a gallon of piss weak pop.

The film itself ends after about 35-55 minute mark when the thing that Wolverine was sent back in time to do is done and he really has nothing else to do in the film but stand around and snarl a bit.

Honestly - The film could have ended after a hour but it didn't.

Wolverine is tasked to stop a blue lady with no vest on from shooting that little fella off of game of thrones, which he does. 

That's it. That's all he has to do and he does it.

Beyond this, the time travelling mutant has nothing and no influence on anything that happens and even spends the last ten minutes of the climatic ending in a river drowning while everyone else dusts themselves down and just walks off.

That actually happens.
OFSTED were not happy with the state of the school dinners.

I could go into a lot of details about how we see HUGE Jackmans bottom, which Mrs H (and from G+ I also know Miss Lily enjoyed as well) or that the fact that most men tried their hardest to spot Jennifer Lawrence's bottom on screen as well, as this seemed to be the most interesting thing to do in a movie that 80% filler.

There were some really good bits in the film. The visions of the future were potentially interesting and could/should have been looked at more. Instead we were offered a badly drawn President Nixon and some wishy washy story about how JFK was a mutant. We saw nothing about the huge stories that had occurred between FIRST CLASS and this film such as: How was Magneto (master of magnatism) captured and impisoned?, or what happened to the surviving members of the Xmen from FIRST CLASS? and why did the school for gifted youngsters (the place dirty mutants live in peace) fall to bits?

These - and many more questions were waved away with one liners or pithy remarks and were were left with strange nods to characters that have been explored to death in previous films like General Stryker (a baddie who makes Wolverine into a weapon...) and so on and so forth.

However, the film is not a bad film. There are some good moments. As I said earlier, the parts of the film in the future are very good I just wish there was more of that, but seeing as how Wolvie stopped that future from ever happening, we will never get the chance to witness the events of a corrupted world free of mutants take place.

This filmdoes have the completely unnecessary usage of HUGE Jackmans bottom and lack of Jennifer Lawrence's Bottom in a clear shot for me to ogle at, which is forgivable but why should women get all the cheap thrills?


This film receives a Six out Ten rating for one simple fact.

Beyond all the plot holes, weird time wasting waffle and stupid nonsensical effects of time travel (whereby the future continues to exist until the time traveller wakes up?!?!?!!?) there is one very straight forward "easter egg" that they monumentally screwed up.

In the previous X-Men Film FIRST CLASS, Wolverine makes a cameo appearance and utters the line "Go fuck yourself!" when asked to join in on all the fun.

This movie goes out of its way to force the viewer to remember THAT little nod to other films and makes a point of rehashing it for another go.... BUT THEY DO IT WRONG!

When Professor X starts to remember his previous meeting with Wolverine he says something along the lines of "I remember you. I remember what you told me... so let me return the favour. FUCK OFF!"

Now, that is not what was said and it didn't go like that.

The writers of this film did not watch the last one at all and got it all arse about face. For that reason and that reason alone 6.

6 is what you get and not a single digit more.



  1. 6 out of 10?! Just the view of Mr Jackman's gloriously muscled rump, scores a 6! Ooh it were like watching the 8th Wonder Of The World.

    If you COMPLETELY ignore ALL the other X-Men Movies and previous plots and characters, then this is actually quite a good film. I Would liked to have seen more of the Sentinels, who were scary arsed mofos, Peter aka Quicksilver, as a youngster and also more of the international X-Men Blink, Bishop, Sunspot, and Warpath.
    All in all, I do agree 100% with your review of Days Of Future Past. But by the time the end credits had rolled and we were given a glimpse of X-Men: Apocalypse, all had been forgiven.

    1. Ah man. Don't get me started on the mess that was the end credits... Those special effects of that pyramid were bobbins and didn't give anything near the level of WTFery that Thanos did in the Avengers or even Tony Stark poppinig up at the end of Hulk!
      6 out of 10!

  2. I always like the X Men films (although I have a distinct lack of interest in the Wolverine spin offs), so I will go and see it anyway. However, I respect your decision as my preferred movie critics, so I shall boo and throw popcorn throughout, while probably secretly enjoying the film.

    1. It is enjoyable, so do enjoy it. But don't love it. It's not lovable.
      It's more like a Rubiks cube. It looks colourful and exciting but after a while you just get fed up trying to figure out what happens next.

  3. I am running behind Mr H, work has made me slip with commenting (DAMN that work stuff) will be back tomorrow to read and comment

  4. Wolverines are well cool animals and stuff like this ruins their reputation loads. On the subject of bottoms I think all these women need to remember one important thing about Wolverines, they produce terribly horrid poo. Maybe when all these women are going ooooooooo in the cinema at the sight of Mr Jackmans bottom someone should open a box of Wolverine poo and remind them all exactly what comes out of it. they won't go Oooooooo then.

    6 out of 10 a fair decision as always Mr H.


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