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Saturday, 11 October 2014

Bumfism - A Religion For All

There's loads of religions knocking about these days.

From Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Scientology and everything in between.

None of them seem to hit all the right buttons though.

People from one religion hate people from another religion.

Pick any one of those religions above and you will find one group who others of the same faith - sometimes, just because they view a bit of a book in a different way.

People have died for this.

It's Bonkers.

With all the wars, hatred, disease, famine and repeats on the BBC, prayers are going unanswered left, right and centre.

So I guess it falls to me to reconcile all these folks and start my own religion in order to make the world a better place.

Lord knows.... (sorry) Bumf knows I've tried in the past to solve all the worlds ills, but to little avail and so the only viable option is start a movement and maybe with the power of the people and their will (and possibly money) we can create the utopia we deserve.

So... what does a religion need?

First things first, we need a set of rules.

  • Thou shalt not be a Dave about things

  • Seriously - don't be a dick.

There we go - that about covers it.

I suppose I should go into more detail to avoid disputes and any interpretations... but if that does happen then both parties will be seen as acting like a pair of Daves and will be punished.   

With the rules all cleared up and easy to follow, what are the benefits for true believers?

  • A free cup of tea or coffee and a biscuit should be offered to all followers by fellow followers whenever they meet up in person.

  • 10% discount at Our-price, Dixons and Blockbuster to all card carrying members.
oh yes...
  • Everlasting euphoria in the life hereafter. 
And I'll throw in a couple of scratch cards for the first 100 members.

But are there any punishments for heathens and non believers?

  • For starters they will not told what the secret handshake is (It's shake, bump, twist, bump, turn, high 5 and body slam)

  • Once our religion take control, non followers will not be able to fast forward through the adverts.

  • Any TRUE non-believers will not be able to see the above punishment. (the suckers!)

Is there a uniform or place of worship?

There is no uniform, but you are expected to tuck your shirt in and have a wash. Cleanliness is next to Godliness and all that.

As for Worship, God is supposed to be omnipotent and everyone enjoys there privacy so I have decided to combine the two and declare the toilet is sacred ground. This means that you may pray, poo and ponder to your hearts content and nothing and nobody can stop you.

So what's left? 

Well, a name would be a good start.

I've opted for Bumfism,

Followers of Bumfism shall be known as Bumfists. 

 ( ... wait does that sound right?)



  1. I'm not sure about this religion Mr H, I dont think I want to be a Bumfist so Bumfism is not for me, I will stick with the world of Microgods which will allow me to include your own God, who I assume is called Bum. Interestingly I often here folk shouting O BUM WHAT HAS HAPPENED NOW on my journeys and now I can say to them YOU MUST BE A BUMFIST . . . . .

    1. O BUM that Here is in fact Hear. . . .

    2. The beauty of this religion is that it doesn't matter. MicroGods are they to go. Just for the Xmas toys alone. Kids everywhere will be encouraging their parents to buy them and at a tenner a pop - you'll be a millionaire in no time (which doesn't exist so I don't know about that)

  2. Woo-hoo! 10% discount at Our-price, Dixons and Blockbuster...wait a minute...there's something not quite right there...

    Er, I think the name needs a little bit of a re-think Mr H. I mean I'm an open minded gal but I'm not sure if I want to be known as a Bumfist or a Bumist...no matter what those damned gossip-mongers say! Apart from that, I'm in.

    1. Yea... bumFIST and bumist could be seen as a little near the knuckle (oo-er) might work on that. I'll have to arrange for an end-of-days style wipe out and then start again. That's what usually happens with these wishy-washy cults.


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