So there is a new I-pad coming on the market.
Have you got an I-pad?
Maybe you are reading this on an I-pad.
Maybe that’s not what they are for.
I’m not sure.
The only time I have seen an I-pad in use in the real world is when I’m on a train and a middle aged man was sat opposite me, giving shifty sideways glances to the group of pissed girls sat on the seats across the aisle who were giggling and drinking WKD. One of them was a hen and it was her night apparently.
They were all dressed in pink rah-rah skirts and bra straps and had amusing penis shaped badges and stickers.
Anyway, this balding chubby chap was hunched over the opposite side of the table from me, and I noticed he was shifting his gaze from the table top to the girls’ party.
I couldn’t really heat what was going on because I had my headphones on and was listening to a nice bit of John Shuttleworth.
As I studied his facial features (it crossed my mind that he was a rapist or murderer or some such, and just in case there was a request on crime watch for witnesses- I could give them a full low down on this perp) I noticed he had earphones as well. But these were attached to his I-pad.
He was listening to his music through his I-pad.
And nothing else.
He wasn’t reading anything, or watching a film.
Just listening to his music.
And that is when it hit me.
The answer to the question “what is an I-pad for?”
It’s for looking like a twat.
Why else would carry something so large around with you, just to listen to music. (Oh, it was some sort of classical album he was listening to)
I had my MP3 player tucked away nice and neat with my wires all arranged so as not to get in the way, but this chump had his whole apparatus on display.
All in the name of vanity.
“But why,” I asked myself “doesn’t he just wave a utility bill around his head?”
A utility bill would have the same effect on a train as using an I-pad.
It simply states that you once had money but now you have spent it and all you have to show for it is what is in your hands right now.
The only difference is, if you want people to find you interesting on a train a utility bill isn’t going to cut the mustard.
What you need is and I-pad.
Sorry, did I write interesting – I meant to say a massive bollock.
I thought about asking this guy, what else does it do apart from play music, the same as pretty much anything electronic does these days, but instead I just watched him staring back at his pathetic reflection in the darkened glass of his £500+ square, noting how frequently his glances were becoming and how much longer they were lasting.
I started to worry.
This could get ugly.
What if he tries to grab one of them like a mental? What if he is a mental and eats his own poo?
I am not a hero of any kind.
I panic – a lot about everything.
The train stopped at Crewe and he got off.
I followed him along the platform to the exits with my eyes out of the window and as the train set off I saw the reflection of the girls laughing behind me and so I just stared at my own mirror image all the way to Manchester. The occasional glance towards them.
I am a sick man.