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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Monday, 19 December 2011

Did You Remember The Garlic?

Today Mrs H started her first day at her new works. Off she popped at the crack of dawn and that was that for the next 8 hours.

All I had to do was empty the bin, do the recycling, walk the dog and make the tea.

Bins and recycling are a doddle. No problems here!

The dog almost walks himself and what with the campsite being almost empty, I had all day to get the tea ready.
I've got a bad feeling about this...

Can you guess what task I managed to bugger up?

Here’s a clue – it was tonight’s tea.

I wasn’t making my world famous Spam pasta (for which the recipe is knocking about on the internet somewhere) nor was I doing Chicking-Junk (another of my amazing meals, which I may do as a post sometime!)

No. I was due to make that extravagant and complicated juggling act known the world over as spag bol.

And I screwed it up.

My first mistake was thinking I was making chilli con carne. That’s were it all started. Having measured out a bowl of rice using my own method of one handful of rice per person plus half a hand for Jesus (you never know when he’s going to turn up) I stared blankly and pondered...

Me not makey chilli con con? Me makey stringy meat meat.” I thought to myself.

At this (very early) point in proceedings I started to smell burning beef.
Thats ME!


In true Frank Spencer fashion I poured the rice back into the rice container, hit my head on the open cupboard door, flipped the meat and burnt my hand, dropped a fork onto the dogs head (he is fine) and grabbed some spaghetti and threw it into a pan of boiling water. (At least I got that bit right)
Mrs H was not due for at least.... oh crap. How long is she going to be? I had no idea. It could be 20 minutes, it could be 2 hours.

As I continued to panic and cook (that’s how I roll) everything seemed to be going OK. The smoke alarm didn’t set itself off in a tizzy which makes me think it needs new batteries.

Just as I put the garlic bread into the oven, Mrs H walks in and the dog go nuts.

Tea will be ready in ten minutes. There’s a glass of wine on the table for you.” I say as I try to look as nonchalant as possible, while picking out the little burnt bits of beef pepper and onion.

The reply from Mrs H was thus “Did you put any garlic in it this time.”


I had not put any garlic in anything.

In my defence I had grated some cheese and done the washing up.

I had also done the bins, sorted the recycling and walked the dog.

It has been a busy day.

The Dog ate what ws left, so at least he liked it.
I am stupid.


  1. Don't worry man. These are easy mistakes to make.

    Aside:- They're NOT easy mistakes to make. How can you not put garlic in garlic bread. A certain famous comedian from up your way once did a bit where he goes, 'garlic bread? Bread? Garlic? Garlic bread'.

    It has been suggested to me that it is extremely humorous...

  2. Shit happens! I've ruined many dinners. But at least I never forget the garlic, my favorite ingredient!

  3. Wow Bumferry Hogart, you're really not having a good time of it lately. first shopping in hell and now this. Extra points though for effort.

    And the 'plus half a hand for Jesus,' had me laughing out loud.

  4. Don't worry Bumferry, it happens to all the greats at some point. I remember Gordon Ramsey once tried to cook a Shepherd's Pie and ended up with a Vienetta.

  5. Just feel grateful that you're not having to write about burning toast. Besides, your wife should be impressed that you went to all this effort for her anyway and that you actually cared about messing it up a little! Such a domesticated husband!


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