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Wednesday, 18 January 2012

998 Words: The Return

Greetings folks and welcome to 2012’s first edition of my irrelevant and irregular running post based on the theme of 998 words.

I would love to these more often, but they are as hard to write as I imagine they are to read.

I am going to keep doing them though.

But before we go any further, here is a little disclaimer:

This following post contains five whole swear words of varying values.
If you don’t want to read swear words or you are offended by them, please be aware of the following words in this post: wankerish, bloody, prick, fuck and bloody.

Thank you.

Every year a website known as edge.org asks a bunch of egg heads and well known clever people to answer a single question of such wankerish magnitude its a wonder all the participants and the person who thought up the question in the first have not vanished up their own bottoms.

This list of people include a load of brainiacs, some professors of something or other and a few psychologists. Oh yes, and Brain Eno for some reason.

Mainly though, they all seem to fall under the category of prick.

However, if you want to feel utterly stupid and/or bare witness to what is possible the premier collection of self important smart arses then you can read all of their responses to the question of the year at the link bellow...


the question this year was: 

What is your favourite deep, elegant, or beautiful explanation?
(I know, straight away you want to punch someone don’t you?)

The following is one of many bullshit entries from a around 200 smart arse losers.

Seirian Sumner
Research Fellow in Evolutionary Biology, Institute of Zoology, Zoological Society of London
I play this game with my kids. It's a 'guess-who' game: Think of an animal, person, object and then try to describe it to another person without giving away the real identity. The other person has to guess what/who you are. You have to get in character and tell a story: What do you do, how do you feel, what do you think and want?
Let's have a go. Read the character scenarios below and see if you can guess who/what they are.
"It's just not fair! Mum says I'm getting in the way, I'm a lay-about and she can't afford for me to stay with her any more. But I like being in a big family, and I don't want to leave. Mum says that if I am to stay home, we'd need some kind of 'glue' to keep us from drifting apart. Glue is costly and she says she hasn't the energy to make it since she's busy making babies. But then I had this brilliant idea: how aboutImake the glue using a bit of cell wall (mum won't mind), add some glycoproteins (they're a bit sticky, so I have to promise mum I'll wash my hands afterwards) and bingo! Job done: we've got ourselves a nice cosy extracellular matrix! I'm happy doing the bulk of the work, so long as mum keeps giving me more siblings. I suggested this to mum last night, and guess what? She said yes! But she also said I'm out the door if I don't keep up my side of the bargain: no free-riders…."

Who am I?


"I am a uni-cell becoming multicellular...”

What sort of home life do her kids have? F*ck me!!!!

She does go on with another example which I can’t bring myself to copy on to here, it’s so ridiculous you would think I had made it up!

But then again on the flip side of things there is one exception to the rule and when asked the question . . . they gave this response, which I think is the best of the bunch...

My brain as seen by clever buggers!

Dave Winer
Founder of UserLand Software

What Time Is It? 

A few years ago, I heard said only old-fashioned folk wear watches. But I thought I would always wear a watch. Today I don't wear a watch.
How do I find the time? Either I do without or I keep my eyes fixed on a screen that has the time in the upper-right corner. It's gotten so that I resent that reality doesn't display the time in the upper-right corner. 

That was the most ‘normal’ answer from the bunch which doesn’t say much because it does not relate to the question posed in any way shape or form which really does make a mokery of everything in existence.. Although it is the only one I read and understood without having to reach for a dictionary and an asprin.
"Ooh.. What's his name again....."

If scientists and clever folks spent more time working out the important things in life and not answering stupid bloody questions like this, the world would be in a much better place.
As it is, its left to idiots like to come up with ALL OF THE ANSWERS to help mind kind.
Because it was ME and ME ALONE that gave the world the answers to ending all wars,solving world debt and travelling faster than light.

In respect of that last one, these white coated cretins are now trying to prove they thought of it themselves by firing neutrinos at Italy or something because they refuse to admit that I’m cleverererer than they are which is probably why I didn’t get the email asking for my answer.
They will never learn.... its not going to stop me though.

Here is my answer to the question:

My favourite deep, elegant and beautiful explanation was told to me by my mum who always said – “because I said so!” that sums up everything in life.

The above quotes and lots of other mind numbingly ridiculous answers to that fart of a question can be viewed at http://www.edge.org/responses/what-is-your-favorite-deep-elegant-or-beautiful-explanation if you have nothing better to do with the rest of your day, or hate your own eyeballs so much you want them to feel real pain.
I'm not sure what this one means...


  1. What is your favourite deep, elegant, or beautiful explanation?....... Well we are clearly talking about the universe and all that is in it. Because it can only work where elegance and beauty exist, and beauty and elegance can only exist because there is a universe. This brings us to the the great mathematical paradox which shows that one can only exist as long as the other does and once both have gone then so has the question. It appears to me that all those clever people are creating a question so they can answer it and that is cheating and as mum would say cheating is not deep, elegant, or beautiful where as deep fried Haggis is …………. I rest my case (its heavy) and mum says IDIOTS

  2. Rob Z, if one can only exist as long as the other does, then how did one exist without the other's existence to begin with?
    (I think my heads about to implode!)

  3. That's easy, it only half existed. It held back until the other one was ready to join in.

  4. Well, I was watching that chick-wrestling porn stuff where the winner intrudes upon the looser with various dildos and strap ons. When the missus saw what I was watching I quickly explained that the two ladies represented the arguments for and against capitalism and democracy, hence the intertwining of limbs (here representing personal wealth) and the grabbing of breasts (here representing groped breasts); thus illustrating perfectly the benefits, potential pitfalls and possible results of being an individual in an emerging economy.


How did this get here?