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Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Bumferry Hogarts Big Bonanza Budget 2012.

 Norman Osborne (that is his name isn’t it?) has today been asked to stand up and give a talk entitled 
“What I did on my holidays”
The chancellor of the exchequer.

Through this speech he told everyone just how poor they will be in the coming year and just how much debt the country will be in for the next blah blah blah.

Its all a bit boring really, and with that in mind I hereby offer to you my own version of the UK budget for your approval.

Taxation: Increase of overseas taxes will rise to, oh I don’t know. Lets say 23.4% by taxing any and all rainfall that originated in Europe. This will

comfortable and a snack!
EXPORTS: crisp packets found on the street will be wiped clean with a cloth and rebranded as Funky sleeping bags for Scandinavian midgets and dwarfs. I reckon we can get around a fiver for each one.
Ash and burnt wood from last years riots will be collected and sold to American tourists for £45 a pop.

IMPORTS: The UK will start to make its own weather by building more wind farms. But we will have them pointing out. That way all the smog can go to France and we should be able to blow away all that cold air from Norway.

ECONOMY: Another round of fiscal funding will be supported by this government by asking each household to root down the back of the sofa and sending in whatever currency they find. This should produce an estimated figure in the region of £3.23 - £9,655,011.11 per household.
Footballers and anyone else who spits in public and is caught on camera will be fined £10,000 per gob.
Woo-Hoo! 20p Bitch!!!

IT been calculated that this act alone will reduce the UK’s debt by half before the end of the season.

JOBS and WELFARE: 45 thousand part time and full time opportunities will be created within the welfare system at a cost of £200 million to provide a helpful “there, there” to those who have found their welfare benefits cut. The total of benefits cuts will total around £200 million plus costs of setting up the new “There-There” recruitment scheme.

NHS: the Nation Health Service will be sold off to the highest bidder. The cost of Beds will start at £500 each, those tall metal stands that stand by the side of the bed should fetch a few quid as well because they sell something similar at IKEA and that stuff costs a bloody fortune.

OLYMPICS: a letter of apology will be issued to each tax payer when it becomes clear we have completely buggered it up and won naff all. Unless we do win loads of medals, in which case, we will be expecting a handwritten letter from the daily mail.

FUEL: Cars and motorbikes must not be driven over buses or through burning hoops of fire.

All this could be yours!!!!
ROADS: every road user will be issued with the responsibility of caring for and the upkeep of one mile of road. Litter potholes and the general upkeep of each bit of road will be the legal responsibility of each person and failure to maintain ones bit of road will result in a dirty look from somebody’s mum. This will reduce the cost and responsibility by the government and save bucket loads.

Any extra money collected by the government will be used to buy a load of scratch cards in a effort to help reduce the lost money given to the banks.

Finally, all crime will be outlawed and being naughty will be frowned upon.

Other things will be changed but they are far to boring to go into detail right now. If theres anything else you would like to tax or change just pop in the box below and consider it done.

Yup! That should keep 'em on their toes for another four years.


  1. Wow, you're a fast worker Bumferry. I've got a similar post scheduled for Friday, and now I don't feel like mine is funny enough.

    One thing I'd like to see is trains that run on the ceilings of tunnels. It will increase capacity on our rail network, and be really cool!

    1. HaHa! For once I manage to beat you to an idea! You dont know how happy that makes me feel. But no doubt yours will be far superior in every way.
      The trains shall now and for evermore run on both the floor and ceiling, but only in opposite directions for maximum efficiency.

  2. May I also suggest that we arrest those women who wear velour tracksuits, (which in itself, should be punishable by way of a beheading) especially those with the words 'JUICY' written across the bum area.

    And men who tuck their trackie bottoms into their socks.

    Let us keep these scourge from off our streets and only then, will be Britain be safe once again!

    1. Yes you may Lily. Consider it rubber stamped and approved!

  3. Is there some way we could make other animals such as cats dogs birds cows and sheep etc, take some responsibility. It seems very unfair that us humans have to shoulder the entire economic burden. I have often bartered stuff for stuff, but take a chicken into my local Building Society and they are not interested (either the chicken in the Building Society or Visa-Versa. And yet I have read in The Financial Times they have all feathered their own nests (the banks not the Chickens.

    I was told by a miner friend that Britain was once run by a ******* Cow so if they can run the country then tax their Barn Conversions.

    Come the Revolting-Yew-Song ...... Baaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

    1. No problems Rob. All animals will be taxed according to how many legsw they have. This does bring in to question the potential loop hole of whether dogs have four legs or two back back legs and two front arms? I'll set up a quango to find out.

  4. I'd love to do more satire about the collision...sorry coalition but given other enterprising activities I have to steer clear of UK politics... the rooting down the back of sofa's worked for the germans

    1. We could learn a lot from the Germans... like economics, efficiency and how to enjoy the mucial stylings of David Hasslehoff. An enlightened people indeed.

  5. Sterling idea about selling 'riot' ash to Johny Foreigner. Only trouble is we have to get rid of the footage. It was a bit cheeky to call them riots;- More of a bit-of-a-to-do wasn't it?

    As for the NHS? Quick everyone! Get sick now and fill yer boots before it becomes standard practice for surgeons to cut the clothes of your accident mangled body in order to get easier access to your wallet.


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