About Me

My photo
The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Women Don't Know What REAL Pain Is.

“The female of the species is more deadlier than the male...” or so says the song.

Science would happily tell us that the women have a higher tolerance for pain than men. And in turn women, while standing on their high horses atop of their sugar pedestals up there in their ivory towers, take great pleasure in informing us men how horrible and painful it is to carry a child in their womb for three quarters of the year and how difficult it is to cope with the excruciating agony of giving birth followed by breast feeding and piles and blah blah blah.
"well THAT was a piece of piss..."

But nothing NOTHING compares with the pain that every single man has suffered at least once in his life.

Before I go into detail as to what this ultimate pain is – I would ask you (especially the women amongst you) to pin a bulldog clip to your underarm... AND LEAVE IT THERE. Then after your eyes can water no more pull it off without opening the clip. Just pull – s-l-o-w-l-y.

It hurts doesn’t it?

Imagine that but 100 times worse and without the option of removing the pain.
THAT is what men have to go through each and every time they ...*it hurts to even type this* trap their “old fella” in the zip of their pants.
The work of the Devil (or a woman)

With a baby, you know it’s coming. You have the best part of a whole year to get used to the idea and brace yourself, let alone all the free drugs, water pools, nurses, hospitals, more drugs, paid time off work and money from the government.

For men, we get no warning whatsoever.

Not only do we find our most sensitive, delicate and personal part now trapped and exposed at the same time, but if this happens when you’re out and about, you are probably not in the most hygienic of places to find yourself in need of medical help.

It doesn’t stop there though.

Oh dear lord NOOOOoooooooo.......
The fact that your little winky is trapped means that the teeth of the zipper has well and truly snared you in its grasp. There is no easy way to undo this problem. Unzipping is not an option. This is not a plaster on some arm hair... this is thousands of nerve endings being systematically abused the most horrible way.

Sure, if you have a baby, you might poo a bit or get a tiny little scar but that is nothing compared to falling to your knees in a puddle of other men’s piss, crying in the gents with your hands shaking violently as you try your best to undo this magnificent injustice to your manhood.

Finding yourself in such a situation does nothing short of completely destroying your self confidence and bravado. Once done, there is no way you can simply rejoin your group of drinking buddies and attempt to gain alpha male status or even laugh at the stupid joke being passed around the table due to the paranoid thought of you cock hanging on by a thread.

The best you can hope for is for the night to end quietly and calmly so you go home and ring your mum.
...Ah. That's the wrong kind of fly - stupid Google search.

At least with pregnancy you get a baby and loads of presents and stuff.

When pants attack, you have lost the night.

Be careful out there guys. It’s a dangerous world.


  1. Stick with buttons is what I say. I hate to think how this post came to be, but I hope you are OK Mr H

  2. I would totally switch to button-up pants if it weren't for the fact that they make me look like I have a boner whenever I sit down.

    If you were to somehow invent a penile protector, you could probably make millions. Maybe a flap of jean material as a second layer of defense behind the zipper?

  3. Hahaha! We've had words on this subject before Mr Bumferry Hogart. (That first pic is bloody hilarious)
    I do know one woman however, who justs coughs and her babies come flying out. But then she's got hips the width of a Pterodactyl's wing span. She could pass a bus and not blink an eye.

    But for most of us, imagine if you will, squeezing out a watermelon through your jap's eye and you'll still be no closer to experiencing the pain of childbirth...just saying...

  4. FINE. You guys win on the whole "pain" thing. Sheesh. Men are such babies.

    (No really -- that actually sounds completely brutal. I wouldn't trade places for anything.)

  5. And that's why I gave up trousers for lent.


How did this get here?