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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Monday, 30 July 2012

998 Cheeky Bar Stewards


I've had a bit of bad day, which is what this post is ultimately about and is a little bit dry as I rant on. Feel free to stick with it or just enjoy the pictures.

Here we go.

Working on a campsite can be quite rewarding.

Working in the great outdoors, the sunshine, happy people on holiday giving me money… it all adds up to a great way to spend your days.

However, sometimes it gets ruined by certain types.

I don’t mind the angry people, in the end they always loose.
The sort of people who get very close to ruining my day are the sort I like call Cheeky Bastards.

CB’s come in two types.

I know how she feels.
The first are the downright nasty pieces of work. The kind who think they OWN you because they have given you money. They are the sort who shout and scream down the phone at customer services because the paid a pittance for something and therefore think they have the right to say stupid things like “I pay your wages!”

The correct response to this moronic statement is “Well, I need a wage rise to put with this sh*t!”

That usually works to encourage to a coronary heart attack, but if said with enough venom can really put some numpties in their place, especially when you remind them that you have access to their name address and bank details.

The other sort of fool who gets up my nose is the sort of CB who thinks absolutely fine to DEMAND a discount or favour while offering nothing in return.

These come in many shapes and forms. Most want to borrow my best screwdriver or other tools to do something they were not designed to be used for resulting in a broken hammer or missing drill bits.

Others have the nerve to ask for a discount.

Two examples of these can be found in the experiences I had on both Sunday and Monday (this evening).

Picture the scene if you will… PICTURE IT…

It’s a nice sunny evening. All the campers are in and having BBQ’s or reading a nice book while the sun settles on the horizon. All is calm and as it should be. When all of a sudden and without warning a shadow appears.

It is the unmistakable shadow of an ice-cream van.

“hmm…” I thought to myself internally. “We don’t have an ice-cream van coming to the site.”

Instinct takes over and heroically, much like Indiana Jones from the Indiana Jones films, I pounce in front of the moving vehicle and raise my hand in order to stop the offending paedophile mobile.

“Can I help you?” I asked, knowing full well that I won’t.

“Yea, jus’ fort I’d drive around y’know..” slurred the offensive offender.

“No.” said I. (this is a very abbreviated version of the story but go with it)

“Well, that’s the last time I do you a favour. I helped build that fence when you first opened.” Said the child snatcher gesturing toward the fence at the entrance to the site.

May steal your children...

“That would have been five years ago.” I quipped (I have never quipped before and it felt good. I hoped to do it again soon.) “And you would have been paid for your time as well.” I added.

“Plus,” I continued “We sell our own ice-creams and this is a quite campsite. We don’t want people driving around uninvited. Now sod off.” I didn’t actually swear at him, but I wish I had.
This guy is safe.

Off he went. Hopefully never to be seen again.

      1-0   to me.

This evening saw a different type of CB. It could well have been the king of CB’s as this was the moment my jaw slackened at the outrageous demands thrown at me.

Pitching a late arrival I noticed a man in a red shirt trying to direct the campers. I had walked infront to guide them onto a pitch (I’m good like that) and turned around to see this oik stopping them. I waved the campers on and they left this fool behind.

Once pitched I walked over and caught the man in order to ask him what he wanted.

“Oh, I just arrived and pitched up over there” he smirked(it is not important where he pointed).

I stared at him. This is not how things are done around here. As mentioned just before, we don’t like people just driving around. This is a quite peaceful place to camp.

I informed him of such things and he should know better assuming he was a member of the club. He then shows me an out of date membership card and starts asking for a discount.

“No.” I quipped. (It didn’t feel as good this time. Maybe I should have quipped at bit more or with more gravitas.) “I should really charge you full price if you can’t show your card. Tell you what though, I’ll just charge you normal price.”

This face - Again, In 24 hours??
“Do I not get a discount for cash?” the CB asked.

“NO. I’m already letting you off with the extra charge. You can pay the same as everyone else.” I stood firm but I don’t think he noticed as I was wearing loose fitting pants.

The CB got quite irate and demanded…yes DEMANDED a discount.

“Feel free to leave if you like.” I wasn’t as polite as that sentence sounds but you get the idea.

“Oh.” He surrendered upon seeing the utter rage brewing across my face.

“Oh, okay. How much is it then?”

Suffice to say I over charged the cheeky bastard by £5 and called it 2-0 to me.

But it is a hollow victory.

There are cheeky bastards everywhere. It annoys me.

Thankfully I have an extra five pounds in my pocket and there is a kiddy fiddler and old coot somewhere in the world who are both out of pocket in one form or another.

We all need to do our bit to eradicate these scum sucking scourge’s of society.

It's no wonder I'm a grumpy old man.
They are all a bunch of Daves. (I hate Dave)


  1. I love the bare-faced cheek/lies of that guy saying that he repaired a fence for you years ago, so you should allow him to ruin your business. Well done on standing your ground.

    1. Cheers man. If he comes round again I'm likely to stand on his neck.

  2. Hello Mr H, I'm still about although only just.... When we ran the shop we got stuff like this all the time, customers saying "what is your best price on this". I got to the point where I would look at the label and if it said £25 I would say "my best price is £35" usually to a slight look of confussion.

    Anyway I have some sort of bug that has sucked all my energy and scrambled the brain a little more than nornal so I am at home being a whimp...... I think I may be a natual at this

  3. Right man. Next time I'm down I'll show you some horrifying moves and how best to get rid of an individual's body/car/recent movement evidence.


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