Nobody likes to admit it but Christmas is coming and to help me through the winter months of spending far too much money on other people who don’t spend anywhere near the same amount on me causing untold amounts of internal angst and wafer thin veils of resentment, I have decided to take on a second job.
There aren’t many job knocking about at the moment (well, not ones suitable for a made up grump man anyway) but just as I was about to give up I saw a position that was perfect.
“WANTED” said the advert. “Part time henchman for evil villain, hours flexible, competitive rates, no prior experience required. Apply @ Dr Malevolent’s evil lair.”
Brilliant I thought and apply I did.
I started two weeks ago and after the short but detailed training sessions which included:
TAKING ORDERS AND NOT SPEAKING
as well as:
SHOOTING GUNS WILDLY AND MISSING EVERY TIME
and my personal favourite:
HOW TO STAND GUARD AND LOOK THE OTHER WAY WHILE THE GOOD GUY MAKES HIS ESCAPE.
A couple of health and safety forms later and I was able to collect my uniform and given my first rota for the week.
Monday 8:30pm (I had opted for the night shift because it was time and a half) and my first job as one of Dr Malevolent’s henchmen was to guard the hero of whatever government organisation was trying to stop his evil plans this week. What a boon!
I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me and this other chap had to stand either side of the heavy door that held the goody two shoes jobs worth on the other side, until we were ordered to open the door or whatever.
About an hour had passed before we both heard footsteps from the other end of the very long corridor.
We stood to attention and saw the unmistakeable silhouette of the doctor himself.
We had all been told in training not to ever look directly at Dr Malevolent for fear of him “having one of his turns” and getting a good kicking (he is a nasty piece of work after all).
Turns out though, that it wasn’t Dr Malevolent at all but was in fact the hero of the free world Harry Something or other from MI8 which is one of those super spy groups they have with gadgets and sexy dames and posh cars that always get smashed up for no real reason.
Turns out Dr Malevolents silhouette isn’t quite as unmistakeable as I first thought.
After I woke up in a heap (Oh, yes. I got knocked just for standing there minding my own business and not talking to anyone) I raised the alarm but it was too late. Harry Thingy-me-bob had scarpered.
He had killed the guy who had stood next to me guarding the door. I never knew his name because we were both only hired as Nameless Henchmen and we weren't allowed to speak while on duty.
Not only that but Harry The Murdering Pig also smashed a load of windows, broke a lock on the door, punched a shark until it became incontinent and blew up a big rocket thing that was in the hanger bay at the other end of the Evil lair.
I hate that Harry bloke.
Now I don’t have a second job anymore which means that not only is nobody is getting anything this Christmas, but I have a lump on my head where he hit me and I've not hope of getting a decent reference for any future employment offers.
These World saving do-gooders just don’t think about us little people.
I WILL have my revenge!!!