About Me

My photo
The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Monday, 22 October 2012

The Bumferry Hogart Census Form 2012

Today (or whenever it is you are reading this) sees the very first ever Internet based Census for this here blog.

In order to accurately engage view you, my dear readers, I feel the need is there to find out exactly what makes you - you.

The following nine questions have been scientifically designed with some really complicated algorithms by some right clever bods. It took them nearly all day using that graph papaer and different colour pens and and protractor (I haven't sued one of them in YEARS!!)

Anyway, Here it is. pop your answers in the box at the bottom and remember there are NO WRONG ANSWERS* Good luck.

*there are some wrong answers which will result in minus points and a forfit.

Question one (gender):

What are you:

A: A man
B: A Womb-man?
C: Miscellaneous

Question two (age):

When you bend down to take your socks off do you:

A: Whip them off and leave them where they lie.
B: make a strange “hoof” type noise and require a couple of goes to get them both off.
C: Get the dog to do it
D: Don’t wear socks because you are some kind of vegan or something?

Question three (employment):

What is your work status:

A: I am a third rate keyboard monkey, working for the man.
B: Self employed (spending most of your time fiddling the books so you don’t have to pay tax)
C: a stay at home mum (probably doing drugs and drink watching Jeremy Kyle and/or spending most of your day taking part in radio phone ins)
D: One of those ungrateful lottery winners (you bastard

Question four (family):

How many people live in your home:

A: Just me, I’m so lonely and unwanted.
B: My house is full of snot nosed little brats who won’t stop asking “Why?” and eating crayons …
C: I live with my parents because I’m some osrt of bum.
D: I sleep under the stars. Wandering these dark streets righting wrongs and stopping evil wherever it festers.

Question five (pets)

Do you have any of the following:

A: Dog
B: Cat
C: Fish
D: Tamogotchi
E: Other.
F: None the local authority won’t allow me to keep any livestock since those pigs I kept in the kitchen ate Mrs Grimshaws corpse.

Question six:

If you were offered £10,000,000 for one of your limbs which one would you happily loose?

A: left arm
B: right arm
C: Left leg
D: Right leg
E: Take what you want, Them’s better terms than Wonga.com.

Question seven:

What are you wearing right now?

A: A corporate suit and tie, just like “the man”
B: A gimp mask and a whole pot of chunky marmalade.
C: Just my pants and top.
D: Nothing, Clothes are the emotional barriers set upon by the government to dictate what gender specific roles we must adhere to until the arrival of their alien overlords who will pick us off one by one and eat our brains or whatever.

Question eight:

To be or not to be….

A: to be
B: Not to be.

Question nine:

If you awoke suddenly and found yourself in a coffin with another human being which would you prefer?

A: The re-animated corpse of Jimmy Savile?
B: A sexually enraged Sean Connery?
C: Either one of Jedward screaming like a fucking banshee?
D: Little Jimmy Krankie doing a poo?

Once you have your answers please post them below with a valid explanation/ excuse explaining why you did "that thing that time".


  1. A.
    Another Jimmy

    it is late and I am confused I have arrived from Twitter in a blurry haze, so I will return soon

  2. My results:

    1) C
    2) C
    3) A
    4) D
    5) E
    6) E
    7) D
    8) A
    9) A

    To justify my answer to question 9, Jimmy Savile wouldn't molest me as I'm too old, plus I'd feel like the man in the coffin when next to a nonce. Sean Connery might rape me, Jedward would annoy me, and I wouldn't want to be trapped with anyone doing a poo. I mean, if we're trapped for a long time we might end up pooing anyway, but at least the first few hours would be fresh and faeces free.

  3. I heard something on the news earlier that the police were looking into the various options in order to proceed and prosecute in the Jimmy Savile case. Well if they are planning on digging him up again and prosecuting him then he has to be the best option in question nine. As long as you can fight him off till he is put in chains and hung in the cell walls.

    I always though he looked a bit zombie like I feel he has taken one step towards confirming this.


How did this get here?