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Sunday, 25 November 2012

998: A Guide To Christmas Shopping

I am sorry to be bearer of bad news but …

"Oh Christ, He's doing one of THESE again..."
Christmas is coming.

Whether you like it or not all the signs are there.

All of the adverts on TV have at least one GCI multi coloured star zipping around the screen and tinsel and people having fun and smiling like idiots wearing paper hats and £20 off something that still costs far too much and you have no intention of buying EVER.

Merry Christmas - Bitches!
You probably know someone who insists on telling everyone that they have already put up all their decorations, as if it’s some sort of race and that makes them a better person than you even though it just makes them more likely to become a serial killer or cat eater.

Whatever - it’s on its way.

But try as you might at some point in the next few weeks you will be forced to sit and think about what to buy for people you don’t really like.

You may have even already asked them what they want to open as a gift 7 days before the end of the year and have been met with a reply of “Ooh, I don’t really need anything… but I don’t want gloves, perfume, candles, gift cards, CD’s, DVD’s etc” Which doesn’t really leave much to choose from.

With this shopping headache in mind and just before you decide to buy a wicker basket for that relative that knows what they don’t want but doesn’t know what they DO want, may I present to you all a guide to shopping this Christmas.

Remember that when dealing with shopping staff: You are a god to these people.

You may have only been to that shop three times in the past six months and spent about 25 quid but that doesn't mean you can't be as condescending as you please with statements like "I pay your wages".

That'll learn 'em.

And remember- nothing guarantees a cheery smile and great customer service than a good old jab your bony finger.

But shops may not be your thing. What with all the pushing a shoving and queuing and what not. You may wish to do your shopping online, or may just need to speak to the bank to check that you have just enough pennies in your ever increasing overdraft to sustain a last minute splurge on that bath set that Auntie Colin (don’t ask) defiantly said she didn’t want.

In that case here is some advice just for you:

When dealing with call centres it is always best to demand (not ask) to speak to the manager, or if your issue is very minor, the chief executive of the company.
Manager not available = Trying to get the phone number of the new agency girl

Management loves dealing with whiny little piss ants like you. They crave any excuse to not have to deal with their members of staff crying or trying to jump out of windows due to the barrage of abuse shitheads like you dish out for fun....

If all else fails, when dealing over the phone, remember that thinly veiled threats never go out of fashion. 
Once you are in full flow in your argument with a faceless voice you have just confirmed your own name home address, password and bank details too, dot let the sudden cold realisation that you have financially exposed yourself to an underpaid overworked person who is only trying to help and is crawling nearer and nearer to the edge of insanity after listening to endless calks just like yours.

No, don’t let that stop you from acting like a child.

After all YOU are the customer. YOU are very important.

And don’t forget to spend ALL your money on other people. The last thing you want to do is have some cash left for the January sales. Where you can treat yourself to a proper bargin. (Just like you forgot to do last year!)
Piss and Good Pills to all men.....BLEUGH!!!

As a last point of note:

When at the supermarket on the last weekend before the big break, make sure you act all surprised and confused and outraged at the fact that the shelves are not fully stocked with the ever popular products that you want to buy.

As we all know, all shops are simple made of money and have a limitless supply of every single type of food produce that never goes out of date at any time ever, and just because everyone else will have had the common sense to do their shopping in a reasonable amount of time therefore resulting in depleted stocks (just as the supermarkets have planned for) the fact that you have left everything to the very last minute should not reflect on you as a person in any way shape of form.

You are the customer. Your own idiocy should not mean that you should go without.

Its two days before Christmas. Minimum wage staff should feel lucky to be shouted and abused by you at any time of the year. Let alone during the festive period where the mantra of “good will to all men” is aimed at other people towards you. It is not something for you to follow.

Just because these people have unrestricted access to the food you buy and full bladders shouldn’t mean you show the slightest hint of respect to anyone at anytime.

Oh yes. And don’t forget to leave your trolley in the middle of the aisle while you disappear to pick up some posh cheese that nobody will eat (because they HATE YOU). Let everyone else shop around you.

In conclusion: Screw everyone else. Push in, grab, shove, moan, complain, shout, demand and never EVER tip.
Happy Birthday to meeee.... (and my son who I also am...??)

If we are lucky, this Myan end of the world nonsense might have a ring of truth about it and we’ll be blown up or just disappear like dust in the breeze by the 21st and we won’t have to sit through another year of endless BBC repeats and piss poor Doctor Who “specials”.

Good luck to you all and god bless internet shopping!


  1. Happy Christmas Mr H, I am a little concerned that there is a slight risk we could meet midway down a narrow aisle of Toys R Us going in opposite directions. Neither of prepared to give an inch as we battle noise, children and expensive tat, the same expensive tat we all saw last year (what ever happened to new clever gizmo's no one has seen before).

    So I think we need a code word or phrase I was wondering if "Get out the way you stupid **** old ****** miserable **** git"; . . . . would be a suitable phase so that we do not try and batter each other to death.

    I was thinking of sending you the Noel Edmonds pink socks again this year after you said they were what you always wanted last year..

    1. No fear Rob. Being a miserable bugger I have completed all my christmas shopping well before the end of October and have no need to suffer the actions of the Great British Public.
      I feel its my duty to stay of the way and not ruin others, already stressful, day by showing my grumpy mug around town. Good luck out there and remember "RATS TAKE NO PRISONERS" (or should that be pensioners???)

    2. You have Finish . . . . . . .DAMN I must do some shopping then. . . . . . .DAMN


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