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Thursday, 6 December 2012

My Childhood Is Ruined

As news hit this week that yet another semi-famous name from the distant past has been “questioned” by authorities in relation to operation Uncle Touchy.

A brief moment of reflection brings up names such as Jimmy Saville, Gary Glitter, John Leslie, Timmy Mallet (oh wait that news hasn’t been released yet)* to name but a few  and now Stuart Hall.

Is there anyone who wasn’t on the TV in the 1980’s-early 90’s that isn’t a bloody sex pest?

I don’t wish to belittle the horrific crimes that these people may or may not have been involved in, but far too often there are names that I vaguely remember from my childhood that are forced back into the public eye for all the wrong reasons.

Back in good old days of children’s TV we were presented with a seemingly never ending parade of super happy giddy smiling faces of fresh faced talent that were supposed to portray a friendly heart warming distraction from homework and the horrors that puberty would soon bring.
But now, these memories are being stripped away to reveal a thinly veiled sneer of deceit and sexual perversion.   

This sort of thing is the norm with politicians. Shock and betrayal go with the job description. But the Stars of the last half of the 20th century are fast becoming their very own evil doppelgängers from an alternate universe.

From sex dungeons, inappropriate touching, un-defendable pictures of things they shouldn’t have pictures of on their laptops all the way up to whatever is that is described as a sex act.

The innocence of my childhood is now marred by the thought of these sick and twisted individuals getting their rocks off to illegal sadistic performances. I can’t even bring myself to imagine what might have happened to Ed the Duck or Gordon the Gopher once the cameras stopped rolling.

Where’s this going to end, I ask myself.

I don’t know.

I just thank the lord above that Rod Hull is no longer with because that guy would more than likely be top of the list. What with his windmill full of kids, one arm up a sock grabbing at everyone’s leg and screaming “SOMEBODY’S AT THE DOOR! SOMEBODY’S AT THE DOOR!” in that way that he did**…

*If it does turn out that Timmy Mallet is a sex pest, just remember you heard it here first.

If he is innocent then I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to him and his lawyers and admit that nobody is more surprised than me.

** You know what I mean!


  1. Dear Sir

    I am writing on behalf of my client Basil Brush who you have blatantly avoided mentioning and who was hounded; and I don't use that word lightly. Hounded by the Press (sorry Dogs) who literally ripped him to bits.

    Yet with time and slowly sowing things back together, plus a helping hand from an anonymous benefactor he is now ready to go centre stage yet again as the loveable manager of Faulty Towers.

    Sorry what was that you said Sooty, that's the wrong Basil.

    O how I am meant to represent a client who keeps laughing in my face.

    I resign.

    1. How could I have forgotten Basil Brush?!?!?

      He always came across as a Schemer to me. The kind of chap that had a little black book that always came in handy for thosse who had... unusual tastes shall we say. Up my way he would be known as a Rum Turkey. although he is not a turkey.

      But this does beg the question; What of the sex lives of TV's children's puppets - with the recent revelations of Elmo from Sesame St. I'd rather leave that sticky subject for the professionals over at the daily tittle-tattle!

  2. My childhood is ruined, is exactly what I said when this all thing erupted. And don't nobody diss the Brush. Before he cheated on me with Sue, the same harlot that was also dating Sooty, (poor bloke was rendered speechless when he found out) we had been madly in love, often making sweet love down by the...I'm sorry...I can't go on...it's just too painful...

    1. Did they SWEEP it under the carpet?...

    2. Boom Boom HAH HAha hah ah ah hahah ahahha

  3. My childhood heroes were mainly cartoon characters, so there's no chance of any inappropriateness on their part. Unless some twisted animator made Mr Benn get changed into some leatherdaddy gear. And then, as if by magic, the shop keeper appeared, in nothing but a Fez.

    1. I often wondered whether Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble ever swapped wives, or if Top Cat had his gang because he had them all hooked on cat nip or something only let them have some just to keep them on side. I'm sure there's an unaired episode somewhere that show Officer Dibble discovering TC's beaten broken body behind a bin somewhere and all the gang have dispersed never to be seen again.


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