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Friday, 26 July 2013

Die Hardly: 6 Out Of 10 Review

Mrs H came home the other and told me that she has been trying to explain why I give 6 out of 10 for my film reviews.
This was asked by a person named Sam.

I do know, and have not bothered to ask, whether Sam is a boy or a girl. The fact is that this “so-called-person” is probably the kind of fool that thinks it is absolutely fine to read a review of a film… say Die Hard, that gives 8 or even 9 out of ten willy nilly.

When ever a film reviewer starts throwing around 8 and 9’s (I once saw a review of 10/10 which is impossible) like Poundland confetti then where is the encouragement for those involved in that film to try harder?

Why should anybody make another film ever again if perfection has already been achieved?

They wouldn't.

This is why films… ALL FILMS are given a healthy rating of 6 out of 10 here on Thoughtless Gibberish.

A six is a nice round number that allows for improvement whilst at the same time highlighting errors, not just in the film itself, but the whole film watching experience.

You wouldn’t buy a computer that gave 10 out 10 for how good the mouse feels in your hand only to find that the keyboard doesn’t have a space bar or the monitor is only available in black and white!

The whole film experience needs to be taken into account.

The following are a few common reasons why the latest films drop points:

- Stupid plots that make no sense. (butterfly effect/Prometheus)
Any film that has been rebooted within the life time of a may fly (spiderman/batman/total recall/Robocop/Judge Dredd etc)

- Unattentive editing that means there is a whole section of the film that makes no sense (see also: any with Damon Lindelof’s name attached to it)

- Damon Lindelof – the man should not be allowed any script or piece of paper with words on it EVER.

- Naff special effects (Man of Steel fight scenes/ Marvel The Avengers fight Scenes)

Sometimes though, the film is awesome beyond belief and comes close to being a 10/10.

That’s when these little gems come into play.

- Other people in the cinema.

- Biting into a piece of popcorn only to find out that it is actually a solidified piece of sugar that rots your teeth, before you have a chance to flick into your partners bag of popcorn without them noticing.

- Mobile phones (turn it off before I turf you out!)

- Needing a wee half way a film that is 40 minutes longer than it needs to be. (curse you bladder)

- Anything in 3D (pointless special effects of things moving toward the screen for no reason other than to remind you that you paid an extra £3 for this shite)

This list is not excessive nor is it the entire reasons for a film loosing points, but highlights some of the reasons why no film in existence deserves more than 6 points out of 10.

Some films come close and it is hard to reduce their score. Others have to really work hard in order for me to give then a decent score of six.

Either way, 6 is the magic number.

As an example here is why Die Hard gets 6/10.

Die Hard is no longer available in the cinema and can now only be watched on DVD or when ever ITV decide to show it.

This is the first reason points are knocked off.

Die hard is a Christmas film. 
It is set during the Christmas period but ITV (in their infinite wisdom) only ever show at easter. It’s their way of being ironic.

It fails.

They also cut out the best bits.. like the swearing and all the blood.

The film is chock full of quotable lines from “Yippie Kia-ay..mother flipper” and “walking with your shoes and your socks off and make fists with your toes” these are ingrained into any cool kids psyche and therefore become un-cool whenever someone starts to quote them at you.

Alan Rickman is awesome in the film, but for years all Americans believed that English people spoke with German accents.

Holly’s hair! Oh Em Gee!

It is also worth pointing out that this film gets knocked points off because in the process of writing this I found out that I have bought the bloody thing TWICE on blu-ray.

Die Hard is an excellent film. One of the best, but because people kept giving it 8 and 9 out of 10, we got sequels  Some better than others but overall not as good as the original: die harder, Die Hard with some vengeance (what now??) Die Hard 4.0 (again what the why now??) and now there is a die hard 5 – a film I have not seen yet but no doubt will be fucking awful because that’s what happens.

I love Die Hard

but it still only gets 6 out of ten.


  1. Maybe you could give Die Hard a 7 for fighting....

    If I watch it standing on my head that 6 turns into a 9 which means only a 0,1 or 8 are the same watched both normally or standing on your head. So by standing on you head a film is twice as likely to be bad; particularly if it has sub-titles (I cant do them the right way up so upside down Oooooooooo)

    1. This is another reason don't give anything other than 6.
      Plus 6 is a positive integer that is equal to the sum of its proper positive divisors, that is, the sum of its positive divisors excluding the number itself (also known as its aliquot sum). Equivalently, a perfect number is a number that is half the sum of all of its positive divisors (including itself. The first perfect number is 6, because 1, 2, and 3 are its proper positive divisors, and 1 + 2 + 3 = 6. Equivalently, the number 6 is equal to half the sum of all its positive divisors: ( 1 + 2 + 3 + 6 ) / 2 = 6. The next perfect number is 28 = 1 + 2 + 4 + 7 + 14. This is followed by the perfect numbers 496 and 8128, but I could really give a film 496 out of ten, because that would be silly.

    2. A point well made Mr H, Six it is then . . . . . .

  2. Die Hard is indeed a Christmas film and - as it should be noted - my favouritest film. Agreed on the Damon Lindelof:- in-fact I'd go further and say that anyone who had any hand in Lost should be sent to work in an industry as far away from entertainment as is possible...might I suggest CIS? PS: no I'm not a Lost fan who was upset by the whole thing in retrospect - I'm that one guy who could see the debacle coming a mile off that no-one would listen to...YOU CAN'T JUST WATCH A SHOW THAT'S MADE UP AS IT GOES ALONG AND EXPECT IT TO END WELL!

    You haven't addressed here the other angle mind. What if you give a film a 6 out of 10 that is woeful, like all of Tim Burton's output this century or anything with a Wayans brother in it. One might come back feeling rather perturbed at having been told to expect something middling and having been fed a slice of mediocrity pie.

    1. I must disagree with you on the LOST issue. It was a good show. I enjoyed it. Yes the last episode was pants, buts thats the price you pay these days. Getting your hopes up, sitting still watching free TV and expecting a gob smackingly good "TA-DA!" at the end.

      In the case of films that should fall below the line of 6/10 those film usually know how bad they are already and try to disguise the fact with a bit of boob flash or ladies bottoms and the like. This, however, does not distract from the fact that I may have to talk at length about how much I enjoyed the popcorn or how much of a satisfying "toilet" I did before I left the house.

      These things all go towards gaining that magic number known a six.

  3. I always score films out of 5 (making your 6 a 3) and that to me seems overly generous but all being said, i mark films on entertainment factor as opposed to quality of anything!

    1. I do like the die hard films, so the fun is in marking it down rather than up. Sometimes it is easy for a film to get a six but when a film is either really good or just plain awful then that's when the fun really starts.

  4. I really like the idea of movie reviews where the movie reviewer hasn't seen the film.

    I give The Avengers - which I haven't seen - 6/10 because my Aunt Edna once smashed her finger with a hammer and the rest of us had to keep hearing about it for years. It would take me a whole review to explain how that makes sense, but it does!

    1. An interesting concept and one I may attempt in the near future....:O)


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