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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Saturday, 22 February 2014

A Rant About Modern Art

(with apologies to Rob for the madman like rant over on G+. Hopefully this makes sense to you. If it does then we're both in trouble! hahahahahaha)

The other night I was randomly clicking through the BBC websites when I came across this little piece about a cleaner who saw a load of cardboard boxes and junk on the floor and thought "Bloody builders, can't be bothered to clean up after themselves." and so she dutifully did her job, cleaned it all up and threw it away.

Turns out that the pile of mess was in fact some kind of "art installation".

I'm not happy.

I thought we had got away from all this clap trap nonsense of modern art. 

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

Anyone can make modern art. Just wait until the binmen are on strike and pile up your old newspapers, tin cans and those socks with holes in you keep threatening to throw away and NOT put in the wash basket (we all do it) and then invite the local art critic to come around and appraise it.

Make sure you write a card with something pompous on it like "The invalidity of the human form from the perspective of hidden lust" or "Entropy within A half empty glass." or anything that makes no sense and Bob's your uncle. Next stop - an interview with Melvyn Bragg.

Art, PROPER art, is something that should look like the thing it is supposed to be. A painting of a horse, a statue of a lady with no vest on or even a bucket of bananas. It doesn't have to be photo-realistic but it should be recognisable from a distance or at least at a certain angle.

Don't get me wrong, there is art and then there is art. Just look at some of the wonderful stuff made by fellow blogger ROB Z TOBOR - it's brilliant.
It's art.

I know it is, you know it is.

We also know that my recycling bin is full of junk and not art. That is the difference. Rob makes things and there is skill and talent at work.
My bin is just a bin. It is NOT art.

But Tracy Emin and her crew would have you believe that it is an insight into the retrospective viewpoint of what ever random word they pick out of the dictionary.

I understand some people enjoy art and they are welcome to take what they can from it, but those that create piles of litter should be ashamed of themselves and possibly arrested for fraud and/or fly tipping.

The article above quotes the "artwork" as being insured for $10,000. 

For that amount of money you buy... well - tons of stuff. Remote control helicopters, a car, a nice holiday. the list is almost endless.

It's such a con I thought I'd have a go myself.

Using a little known program called Microsoft Paint, I sicked up this rubbish in 20 seconds.

I call it "Regrets of Question Time."

You can have it for £235.00 cheap at twice the price. I'll even sign it for an extra tenner.

Granted it's no Neil Buchanan masterpiece, but I tried and that's more than these arty farty cheaters have ever done.


  1. Hello Mr H what can I say you are very kind indeed to say my art is art, I guess some of my art is art I have had exhibitions and was once part of a national exhibition of paper sculpture by accident. I say by accident because it was a touring exhibition that moved about the country and as it did they liked to find local artists work to add to it as it arrived in a new location. The person in charge of the local gallery a large grand affair supported by loads of government money did not like me. We had fallen out at a previous exhibition preview when I overheard him patronizing some young art students saying they knew nothing and wasted their money on computer games and the like, I decided to take the side of the students and in the end told him he was a typical elitist intellectual art snob with his head up his arse (ass to those in the USA). . . It did not go down well with him and he stormed off in a huff (the emotion not the kit house).

    Anyway he had heard of a artist who made paper and cardboard sculpture but did not know it was me until I arrived at the gallery with my work and it had been found a place center stage, when he wandered in to meet the local artist (me) his fave was a picture (no pum intended) and he said ITS YOU . . . He then turned round and left leaving two or three slightly confused assistants wondering what had happened. I just said we have different views about art which were reconcilable.

    As you know I do like some modern art but totally agree some it rubbish and should be in a bin. Maybe a long line of wheelie bins full of rubbish would make a nice piece of modern art, a message from the people to the artists. I think we need to do this before someone else does it Mr H.

    I must go I may return later.

    1. Bloomin' 'eck! I knew you were talented Rob but not proper famous like that!!! The fact that you were able to upset an elitist in such a Fonz style is incredibly cool.
      I Like the idea of a long line of bins full of rubbish art being described as art, but I'm still nervous from around this time last year when the council stole my bin.... and we all know how THAT turned out?.... wait you don't remember? damn!

    2. Maybe it was not the council but a radical modern artist. . . . . . . known as to all as Some-a Bin Artist. . . . . . . HAH AH HA HAH HA HAH AH HA HAH AH HA HAH AH hha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hahah ahaha ha h

    3. Funnily enough I popped down to the local tip today to drop an old toaster and hoover. The man wouldn't let me near the large skip and grabbed the hoover and toaster off me and walked off to his little office with them. It was all very strange. I think they know who I am and have got it b-IN for me.

    4. They sell it all on the quiet or take it home. I know someone who lives near a man who works in a recycling place and he says their garden is full of almost useful stuff that they cant find a use for. . . . . . As it happens my garden and garage are like that. How come some stuff looks really useful but then you cant find the right situation to use it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . except to make Modern Art . . . . . . . Hang on I think I have cracked it now. . . .

  2. Hello again Mr H, I thought I would return to see who has been showing interest in Modern Art. I have always found that if you mention art, science or maths it is the kiss of death and no one will turn up to comment . . . . . . . I suspect you have just discovered something similar.

    I think you need to try an experiment and put words like Sex, Nudes, mud, vampires, and slippery substances in you post title or just that whole lot as it is as your post title then write some thing simple such as Please indicate which you prefer as part of an ongoing experiment and see what happens I bet you get more comments than you do using Modern Art.....

    1. Now I'm going to have write a post called "Sex, Nudes Vampires and Slippery Substances." As I try to write about things that happen to me whenever I can, this week promises to quite the eye opener.

    2. damn... mud... I forgot about the MUD!.....

  3. Fully agreed on every point. Especially about Rob's art, which is incredible.

    Speaking of modern art, did you hear about the rape tunnel? Some gut set up a tunnel in an art gallery, put a sign up at the front saying "if you enter this tunnel I will try to rape you", and did exactly that. I don't think he penetrated anyone, but he had a bloody good go! It was supposed to be some sort of artistic interpretation of lust and obsession, but I reckon he just wanted to work at his rape technique.

    1. Is that real? I'd like to him to join my modern art piece where I kick a guy in the nuts until his head falls off and then I allow z list celebs to piss all over him and set the f*cker on fire. I'm gona call it "Serves you right!" .... think the title needs a bit of work.


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