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Saturday, 15 March 2014

Get Rich Quick - A letter to GCHQ

In this day and age everyone is looking for a way to make a few pounds on the side. Let’s face it, we could all do with a couple of extra quid, what with easter just round the corner, and I think I’ve cracked it! (pun definitely intended).
Here is an email I have sent to the boys at GCHQ.
Feel free to copy and paste and send your own version to them if you fancy getting on board what I think is going to be a bloody gold mine!

Dear GCHQ.

Hello, how are you. I am fine (but you probably know that already! – (hahaha)
I am writing to you today with an offer than is too good to be true.

These days the news if full of potential terrorists and filthy criminals that are getting cleverer and harder to catch. I think it would be a good idea if you were to employ people like me to go around and find them for you.

It’s all well and good hacking into peoples emails and text messages and the like, but what about those evil do-ers who are not using emails or are on Vodaphone and can’t get a signal to send a text?

There is a huge gap in the market of stopping crimes and I think I have the solution.

What we need are feet on the street* or more importantly EYES on the prize**

Here is my idea.

I am willing to rent out my peripheral vision to you guys for a small fee so that you can see if any wrong doing is occurring in my vicinity.

I can walk around town “not” looking for criminals but if one of them walks past me, you will be able to see tham without me drawing attention to myself.

Imagine the scene, if you will. There I am just minding my own business not being suspicious or anything when, out of the corner of my eye, some looks a bit odd. Because I am NOT looking directly at a group of potential criminals (I am in fact looking at a shop window, Greggs perhaps or another shop) you in your HQ can press print screen and see what it is that is going on. If it is a crime or a terrorist then the SAS boys can swoop in and stop the crime. If it is nothing to worry about – there’s no harm done.

I have worked out that this can save hundreds of thousands of pounds every year and I offer this service for the small fee of just £30 a day. (this can be negotiated as required).

This would save you time and money and increase our chances of stopping crime before it happens.

I’m not sure if the technology exists as yet, but there are things like Google Glasses on the market, so it can’t be that hard to sort out.

I have attached a picture to show how it would work.

I hope this email finds you well and please don’t nick my idea.


*I am copy writing that phrase btw!
**I think this one has already been taken  - worst luck!

Hopefully I will hear from the Spying community soon…. Or find myself in a cold dark windowless cell.

Only time will tell.


  1. Hello Mr H this reminds me of one of my own plan I had many years ago. When CCTV first started to take off in shopping centres it occurred to me that rather than expensive networks all over town watching the criminal classes it would be much better to have little old ladies houses fitted with cameras so they could watch what was going on and phone the police if anything suspicious happened.

    This is not only cheaper that some fancy CCTV system but it gives the elderly a purpose in life and they have the staying power to watch the screen 24/7 just in case they miss something. They could even contact one another by phone and follow folk all over town . . . . . As in . . . . . .

    HELLO DORIS There is a Dodgy Chap walking up Queen Street towards you with a parrot and a bag, wearing green trousers that dont match his shirt and eating Jammie Dodgers, plainly not to be trusted. . . . .

    1. Excatly Rob. This idea has so many applications. They could, of course take it too far and start to use peoples webcams on their computers at home to watch out for anything odd and read peoples emails and stuff, but that would be daft. Folks like you and me have the best ideas and they should be implemented asap. It would boost the economy, decrease unemployment and crime and give people a sense of purpose!

    2. And not only porpoises, but dolphins, everyone like a dolphin. . . . . . . . . AH DAMN I may have just ruined my job interview with GCHQ. . . . .

    3. that's Likes . . . . . .Stupid qwerty keyboards

  2. Good idea, but then GCHQ will be right there when you visit those "special" websites you're always on. It will put you off your stroke.

    1. I'll just shut my eyes! Then they won't know about my fetish for PMQ's....


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