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Thursday, 6 November 2014

The John Lewis Advert 2014 - A Review.

Its cold.

Far too cold.

So cold in fact that I can not feel my fingers..... (feels for fingers).... oh there they are!

Okay, I know where my fingers are but it's still very cold.

This is one of those signs that summer is no longer here.

The nights are getting longer, the daylight shorter (which stands to reason) and it's getting really REALLY cold.

With the time of year being what it is - and it is - something wicked this way comes, so they say - and they (who ever THEY are) are right.

The darkness brings with it something terrible.

A curse.

A violent attack on the senses.

A sinister tradition has been formed over the past few years. Something so horrific you probably don't even know how terrible it is.

What is this thing that is so awful that I have built up the tension far beyond the level I wanted to and so the reveal has now become an unfortunate but inevitable let down?

Its the new John Lewis advert. That's what.

There is a video below if you are brave enough to sit through it.

However, all over the internet, idiots are "cooing" and "Aahing" over what is nothing more than an advert designed to make you want things you don't need.

In past years there has been a snowman going shopping - which got everyone  bawling and they went out shopping the tears staining their cheeks as they jabbed their PIN numbers into the machine.

There was also one about a bear being forced out of hibernation by a very selfish rabbit, in order to look at a Christmas tree for some reason.

The bear probably wasn't even a Christian, but hey ho, if it sells some toasters who cares?

This year, the John Lewis avert is about a Penguin.

Not the chocolate biscuit (which is just a bourbon with more chocolate on top - bloody con) but a real one... or at least a toy one.

The advert mainly looks at a young boy who has somehow forced a penguin out of it natural habitat in the wild to live with him and follow him around everywhere he goes.

To the shops, the playing field, the park... everywhere.

Then something odd happens. The Penguin begins to perv over images of people kissing. First on the TV, then on the street....

This is really weird. Why would a penguin become amorous over another creatures mating rituals?

If David Attenborough began making strange noises and rubbing himself when he does those nature films, he'd be arrested (he might even do that and it's just edited out for the sake of the children - I have been advised by my legal team to say that Mr Attenborough does NOT do that.).

The boy decides to get his penguin slave a partner and on Christmas day, there it is, all fresh out of the box (Animals should not be given as gifts at Christmas... DOES NOBODY REMEMBER THE 80'S?)

But then the really sick part happens.

It is revealed that the penguins are actually just toys.....

"Aaaaaw! bless him!" say all the idiots.

"OH my god what have I just witnessed!" Screams I.

I'll tell you what you have just seen.

John Lewis have just used the sexual awakening of a young boy to peddle their cut priced stock of house hold goods, electricals and gifts.

Go watch that advert again - but this remember that what you are witnessing is a year long journey of voyeurism by a boy about to hit puberty. 

It's not a penguin that want's romance - it's an advert about a young boy who has desire to witness coitus and is more than happy to get his rocks off using stuffed flightless birds to do it.

Not quite as cute now is it?

I'm just glad they locked up all those pervert DJ's from the 1970's before they got their hands on it.

Here is the advert in question:

Anyway - Happy six and half weeks until Christmas eve to one and all!


  1. Hello Mr H I have seen the advert in question, It seems to be all over cyberspace like a strange arctic bird based virus. My first thought was. . . What kind of stupid parents would let their kid have a penguin, they are completely unsuitable pets and will just fill the house with penguin poo. And it is all well and good John Lewis saying No No NO its just a toy, but kids will want the real one, kids do stuff like that, they all have iPhones and look at stuff they should not. They do not play with fluffy toys, spinning tops or pointy sticks and the like. When Harry Potter was popular parents were all going demented with demands from small children that they wanted a large Barn Owl and then those that got one, got all upset when it ripped their ears off and ate the cat before flying off never to be seen again.

    However with every dark penguin comes a silver lining and it gave me an idea for a sequel to the Harry Potter returns from the dead story and if I get my act together I might try and write. After I have answered another big question of the day. Just at present I seem to need more time that I have, this is also partly due to my inefficient use of time in general but at least I'm not distracted by a penguin walking about the house looking for fish and doing terrible things on the carpet

    1. Did someone say Christmas. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .DAMN

    2. This is what happens when you go around proving that time does NOT exist Rob. As soon as it stops being there you need loads of it.
      Looking forward to your end of Harry Potter (again?) Will he ever be killed off for good?!?!?!?

  2. The little man is of the opinion that the boy is suffering from mental issues. That the penguin is in fact a part of his psychosis brought to life and that it's just a matter of time before it tells him to start killing people.

    I was a little confused as to why the penguin was perving over people kissing as well. But not as confused as Tom Odell rasping out a John Lennon tune.

  3. Keep up the good work! come follow me!

    My blog: Make It Up or Funny!


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