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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Thursday, 12 November 2015

John Lewis Advert 2015

Those filthy animals know as the John Lewis Marketing Team are laughing at you all again.

Last year they showed an advert that had idiots and menopausal women alike blubbing and crying like morons with a 2 mintue film about a young child gaining the ability to have sexual fantasies about Antarctic birds.

This year those cocky perverts are partaking in the undeniably outrageous act of pulling their pants down and waving their willies in the Granny's face with this shocking advert: 

Here we see the John Lewis advert for 2015.

We first meet a spoilt brat of a child who has been given a telescope and hangs outside the back door.
Note the door is wide open IN THE WINTER, so all the cold air is getting in.

No thought for poor mum and dad and the massive heating bill that must be building up, while spoilt little Jessica (let's call her Jessica for arguments sake) is not even using the damn thing!

She sat bored, not using the telescope, when she decides to give one last try before throwing out the window and storming off to her room or going out and getting pregnant or a tattoo or something (bloody kids) when she's spies something unusual.

She zooms in on the Moon, closer and closer (note that this type of telescope is no capable of that level of focus, even if she did have 5x Barlow lens, which she probably has but doesn't look after) and sees a flash of light.

Turns out, there is an old man living on the Moon.

He's on his own and looks lonely.

There is a very good reason for this.

He is a sex pest. Anybody heard of Operation Yewtree?

Hes the bloke who started it all off.

His crimes were so heinous that the police shot him off in a rocket to live on the Moon so that he would no longer be able to do the unprintable things he had spent his life doing.

Notice, if you will, that the girl sees a flash of light as he is looking at the moon.

Coincidence? I doubt it very much. These perverts are good at hooking children's interests. 

Bag of sweets or van full of puppies; each generation has its own niche. It appears that the youth of 2015 like bright shiny lights.... like moths.

Jessica tries to get the old mans attention but he is having none of it. 

It's called playing hard to get. His face shows that he knows about entrapment. It's how he got stuck up there in the first place.

The old man just sits on his bench waiting... waiting like shark.

Jessica tries firing letters on an arrow and a paper aeroplane (the idiot) but alas she is unable to communicate with her would be offender.

at 1:10 the old man stares at his penis.

At this point in the advert we are informed that it is Christmas because there is a Christmas tree.... clever!

1:23 and the old fella is still staring at his old fella, probably imagining all the horrific things he has done with no remorse or regret.

Then, from nowhere, a bunch of balloons drops by with a small telescope inside the parcel attached.

The old man opens it up and what is the first thing he does?

How does he confirm that his basic urges still run through his veins like fire?

He does what comes naturally.

The very first thing he focuses on through this mysterious gift is zoom right in on a small girls bedroom window.

Bloody hell the John Lewis Marketing Team, you need help.



  1. The snorting noise that erupted from my nasal passages at "he is a sex pest," was not exactly a pretty sight. Nor was the detritus that followed out of said nasal passages. Thank you My H. Thank you very much.

    1. It's my super power and you are very welcome.

  2. Well Mr H I have arrived a bit on the late side again due to reasons of business and a confused brain as I think . . . O GOD what will I get folk for Christmas this year. . . . . Well plainly not a telescope or folk will be asking why I bought 10 telescopes, particularly when the sky is covered in cloud and it will apparently now rain until May . . . . Which reminds me is not the Top Gear theme song called Jessica. . . . MMMMmmmmmm enough said a show watched by many a dodgy old man. . .

    Well Done Mr H all you need to do now is work on the Sainsbury's Ad where the cat burns the house down. I mean that is all we need A sex pervert and an Arsonist Cat. Mind you the world is doing a good job of proving just how mad some folk are.

    Ho Hum


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