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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Saturday, 30 January 2016

The Ultimate Answer to Everything.

Before we start this weeks post I want you to have a look around you.

Go on. 

Have a look at the things around you. Make a mental note of where you are and what's going on because, one day, people will ask the question "Where were you when you read about the Ultimate Answer to Everything?"

As has been mentioned many times, the world is in a terrible state. Wars and financial crashes. Crappy weather and there is nothing good on TV.

Everywhere you go - there's trouble in one form or another.

It's a right chore!

It could be something as mundane as a traffic jam, or the hot water has gone off again mid shower.
Or your favourite football team has lost ANOTHER game.

Maybe you are worried about the prospect of a buffoon being elected the most powerful politician in the world. Or maybe you can't find your keys and you are already late for work.

But none of those things will matter once I have explained how we can change our lives for the better.

What's more, it's really easy to do.

I've bloody cracked it.

I genuinely think I have found a way for everyone to have a better life.

All we need is for one person (preferably a female, but it could work with a male) to step up and make a teeny tiny sacrifice.

Here's the science bit:

Here in the UK, we are pretty rubbish at sports.

We might come close to winning a thing, be it tennis or swimming or darts - any of those - but when push comes to shove, we are not very good, or at least consistently good.

But that doesn't stop sports fans from screaming for their preferred sports person to achieve greatness with the universal encouragement of "COME ON...!"

By shouting nothing more than "COME ON...!" at a professional athlete who spends their every waking moment concentrating on the task at hand and has done so for many years, shouting at them to "come on" is about as much use as farting at a bush fire.

Pick a sport.

Tennis - COME ON TIM


Football - COME ON ARSENAL/UTD/CITY etc...


They are all the same.

No imagination.

It leaves people feeling exasperated and ignored.

The sports stars they pay to watch are not listening to them.

But they would if they changed their name to Elieen.

Let's hold a lottery or a phone in, whereby people can vote for who should change their name by deed poll to Eileen, and then when they play in their chosen field we can all shout COME ON EILEEN!!!

What could go wrong?

Absolutely nothing, that's what.

Picture the scene, in your mind, if you will.

A ten thousand strong crowd of overweight, drunk, possibly culturally inept mouth breathers all singing the 1980's hit tune from Dexys Midnight Runners.

Both opposing side of fans singing (not quite in harmony) COME ON EILEEN..neer ner ner nerner ner... COME OOOON EILEEEEEN!


It could even become the national anthem!

God Save The Queen is dull, boring and doesn't inspire anybody apart from her majesty's very own private GP to up the ante.

However, A huge crowd of people swayed to follow one person or team over another purely due to geography or perceived chance of winning in any given game of skill ALL giving it good guns at the top of their voices would give a carnival, if somewhat dated, sense of pride, party and joy.

It is almost impossible for anyone of any age to not know at least 3 of the 14 words in the chorus for this song.

That's more than the current national anthem (percentage wise) as we only ever hear the 1st of 6 verses of a song which is primarily about having the life of a very rich lady and very little to do with the nation or it's people.

Come on Eileen also has very little to do with the UK as a whole or it's people, but at least we can all agree it is a very catchy tune and has a bit of an upbeat feel to it.

I guarantee that Ronnie O'Sullivan would pot more balls, The England Rugby team would tackle better, the cricket team would be able to stand in a field with more pride and even little Tom Daly would each achieve greater standards of falling into some water if they were all egged on with Dexy's biggest hit ringing in their ears.

I bet even the slobs that play for England FC would find themselves loosing by not quite as much, if that break down bit where it goes "oooh come on, Elieen ta-loo-ra ay!" was chanted around Wembley instead of that nob head with a trumpet.

By doing this, our nation would win more.

By Winning more medals and trophies we, the people, would know for sure that it was OUR participation that gave players the vital push needed to win.

Knowing we played our part would make us all a little bit more happy.

Being happy makes you work better, earn more and spend more.

The economy would be saved.

Foreign investors would flock to our shores with buckets of cash and all would be right with the world.

Have this song as our national anthem and BOOM! we're all tickled pink.

You can say I'm wrong, but you would know yourself that's a lie.


  1. Hello Mr H I thought I would have a listen to the Song and remind myself of the words. AH Yes it all comes back to me now. Although I can sort of see now this could work I . . . for reasons I dont know can also see folk shouting EILEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN a lot in a squeaky cockney accent and that might not be the desired effect. . . So can I suggest . . . Come On Harry by Sham 69 . . instead. It has the advantage that Harry is a unisex sort of name and the lyrics mention the local pub quite a lot.

    1. Was it not "hurry up 'Arry"? I love that tune... We could all sing that one if games become boring or go into extra time and everyone wants to get home before the chip shop shuts.
      I am nothing if nor amenable.

  2. I might think that you're on to something here.


    I got here via your utterly misguided, if not downright treasonous, blog post from a few years ago in which you asserted that ready salted chipsticks are superior to the salt and vinegar variety. I refuse to entertain any ideas on any subject from a man who has wilfully demonstrated himself to be so manifestly adrift from sanity and basic human decency.

    Away with you, sir.

    1. Away with me sir?
      Away with YOU sir!!!

      I am always onto something, although it usually involves the wrong end of shitty stick in a dead end alley.

      I'm playing the odds and hoping that one of these posts will become the greatest web page in history and make me millions......


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