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Saturday, 16 January 2016

Top Tips For 2016

If last year was anything to by then there is a good chance 2016 will find you surrounded by the worst kind of idiots.

In a Thoughtless Gibberish special "cut out and Keep" post, we present a top ten list of tips to help you through the next 12 months.

Scissors at the ready (remember to ask an adult to help)

Maybe, if I had posted this a week earlier, Bowie and Rickman would still be around......


1: Beat the crowds by putting your finger in your ear and shouting "Suspect is heading west, I have them in sight" into you sleeve before running through the hordes of mindless shoppers.

2: An old Shredded Wheat filled with liquid soap makes an ideal scourer for those on a tight budget.

3: Running short on punctuation? a semi colon cut in half gives you a full stop AND a comma for those times when a sentence is not finished or, has in actual fact, come to an end.

4: Get that JJ Abrams movie feel in very day life by rubbing some vasaline on your glasses.

5: Eliminate your financial woes by simply winning the Lottery jackpot.

6: If winning the Lottery is not an option for you, Simply become the best at any given task, like accountancy or swimming or sex and brace yourself as the job offers to come flooding in.

7: Reduce the amount of new baby photos appearing on your facebook timeline by copy and pasting this comment onto the pictures as they appear:

"Dude! that's is one messed up looking cat? Do you need a lift to the canal, I've got a Hessian sack and some bricks if needed."

8: Wives make perfect drinking buddies when your friends, work colleges, strangers, pets or drinking on your own is not an option and you really need reminding that buying her a She-pee for Christmas was a stupid move.

9: Pledge furniture polish does NOT make a suitable replacement for your every day deodorant.

10:  Creating a false passport, flag and currency and writing to your local MP telling them you have declared a small fenced off corner of your garden an independent sovereign state is a great, if unnecessarily convoluted, way of getting out doing the washing up by claiming diplomatic immunity.


So there you have it folks, 10 brilliant top tips to keep you out of trouble for the next 360-odd days.

You are very welcome.


  1. Mr H I have tried Number six only in reverse, you see I have tried all the other options and have concluded I need to win the Lottery. It is an option and a good one as far as I can see only those idiots keep pulling the wrong numbers out of that machine. I can smile and say I will still be the same humble chap I have always been, it will not change my life . . . and then laugh and point at poor folk.

    Number nine . . . . if only you had told me earlier

    Number eight . . . Well what kind of mad idiot would do a silly thing like that at Christmas. . . . . AH

    Number two sounds like it might work . . . I will give it a go next time we get some in

    1. I can personally vouch for 1,7,8 and 9. I plan to test the validity of the others before the end of the year.......

  2. Or alternatively for number 1, go up to a stranger, whisper "tag, you're it" and then run off.
    How Mrs H still hasn't tasered you for number 8, I'll never know. And after number 9, you might still smell like boiled ham, but I bet your armpits have a lovely shine to em.

    1. One day Mrs H will thank me for the Shee-pee.

      As for my arm pits, they may smell "pine fresh" but I can not shift those stubborn coffee cup stains for the life of me!


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