It seems that anyone can write a best selling novel these
days.
All you need is a boy wizard, a vampire and/or a bit of smut
and you have a sure fire hit on your hands.
With that in mind here is part of the first chapter of my
half-hearted attempt to join the ranks of people who have done the least amount
of work to gain notoriety in their field and free tickets to the latest box
office smash.
I expect my invitation to appear on This Morning with Philip
Schofield any day now…
50 lampshades of Grime.
Ada had been on her knees for most of the afternoon. Being a
scrubber was no laughing matter for her as she was often found pounding away on
all fours, working up a sweat and getting all breathy.
Her ample bosom heaved to and fro in an almost hypnotic
fashion that stood Mr Chumley-Horton-Weaverly by surprise as he entered the
bedroom chambers.
“Good grief!” he exclaimed.
Ada stopped cleaning the carpet and pushed herself up to
meet Mr Chumley-Horton-Weaverly’s eyes.
“Cor Mr Chumley-Horton-Weaverley. Oi never not even sawed
you comin’ in that there door and no mistake.” Ada was a very badly written
cockney.
“Forgive me Ada, I had no idea that this room was currently
occupied.” Spoke Mr Chumley-Horton-Weaverley in a manner of somebody who was also
very badly written indeed but spoke in a manner more accustomed to that of
gentry.
Ada found her eyes wandering from his gaze.
“Ah.” Said Mr Chumley-Horton-Wearverley. “I see you have
spotted my massive sausage.”
“It is a huge piece of meat and no mistake sur.” Gasped the
innocent yet somehow mucky minded serf.
“It is isn’t it.” Replied the man of the house who was not
very good at innuendo or chatting up the ladies.
“yes.”
“hmm. I’m going to ask cook to heat it up for my tea.”
A very large and uncomfortable silence entered the room.
Neither of them could exactly remember what happened next
but there was some undressing of clothes followed by fondling, some heavy petting
and rather a lot of apologies and uncertainties. At one point Ada lit a
woodbine she always kept handy for these situations whilst Mr
Chumley-Horton-Weaverley exited himself after a rather clumsy moment of over
excitedness followed by a brief and completely unnecessary amount of mashing of
flesh.
“My my Ada. That was a thing without a doubt.” He said in
place of anything dramatic or romantic.
“Suppose it was sur.” She mumbled. “looks like I’ll have to
scrub that bit of the carpet again.”
“yes.” Mr Chumley-Horton-Weaverley blushed. “Sorry about
that. It’s never happened to me before.” He quickly added.
Ada shrugged and got back down on her knees and
continued to
clean the floor.
Mr Chumley-Whateverhescalled walked out and was never seen
again… because…. Um… he was eaten by a wimpy vampire? Or an evil wizard cast a
spell on him or whatever.
I can’t believe you are still reading this rubbish.
Fwap, fwap, fwap.
ReplyDeleteEe' that were right mucky. Y'ought to be ashamed o' yersen!
'Appen Aye am cock. I'll Go an' stand in th'Ginel an' cool off a bit.
DeleteI'm sure the better-ware man used to sell some sort of Ada to clean carpets; I think he got eaten by a vampire too because I haven't seen him for ages either..
ReplyDeleteWell written Mr H I hope there will be more.
You want MORE???!?!!?! I thought I could write something so terrible that it would cause some kind of literary paradox and cease all the eye burningly awful prose thats clogging up the bookshelves of this nation.... but if you insist, i'll try and write something even more dire and pointless (no, i dont mean this blog!) hahahaha.
DeleteYou can't judge us for reading it all when it came from your corrupted mind!Having read the '50 shades' books, I have to say you're version is a lot better. Although you may need to tone down the sex scenes, they seem a tad too explicit.
ReplyDelete"Ada was a very badly written cockney". Pure Brilliance.
ReplyDeleteOi loved this and make no mistake. :D
Love it. Love it. Love it.
ReplyDelete