Holiday Report Part One Of Three

This here is my holiday report of my holiday what I have just been on and have indeed returned from.

In a change from the norm I am writing this in a three part trilogy and like most three part trilogies it will consist of a really good first part, a rather boring second part that will leave you feeling a bit let down and a final part that you still read because you have invested your time in the first two parts and might as well see it through to the end.

Unlike other trilogies though, there will not be a lot of walking about, although there will occasions of unwanted public ejaculation, a lesbian, cultural differences and some Germans who may or may not have shot my Grandad.

The majority of this trilogy has been written upon my return using notes made at the time of events occurring and I have not slept for over 42 hours so it wander a bit. Either way, everything you read here is the truth because it happened to me.

Here we go.

It started quite badly.

On the outward bound flight to holiday I was offered a meal and a hot beverage by a sour faced misery guts old hag of an air stewardess. I accepted her offerings and refused her dour demeanour because I was on holiday and that was that.

In my somewhat over excitement something terrible happened. It was an error of judgement on my part. A simple “flick of the wrist” while allowing my imagination to wander was all it took for… I have been struggling for a way to adequately explain my actions and can only confess that I…….. Ejaculated all over the very surprised looking lady sat in the middle isle on my left.

Lovely weather for the time of y....WAIT A MINUTE!!!

It wasn't really my fault. I have always struggled to open those little cartons of milk and never really had any success. I dried up as much of the milk as I could and returned to my meal without any further words being exchanged between us.

I soon recovered from this ordeal and decided that as I was on holiday it is important to try new things. And I bloomin’ well did. I ate a scone with some butter on it.

Don’t mock. I have never eaten a scone before, let alone one with currents in it. I felt like one of those judges on Masterchef. Being offered this savoury cakey/bun thing with FRUIT inside of it! CRAZY – but it worked. I liked it. Life journey completed!

So that was the flight TO my holiday. Eventually we got off the plane, being careful not to look at the poor woman who now stunk of milk, and we made our way to the hotel.

Which part of my body am I supposed to dry with towels like THAT?!?!

Next time we will discuss what happened after I arrived into my hotel room…

WARNING MAY CONTAIN DESCRIPTIONS OF LESBIANS, EARNEST HEMMINGWAY AND SHUFFLEBOARDING.